Lets Talk About Love

01/19/2026

Listen to Learn, Speak to Be Known�..Why Communication Is More Than Just Words

Last week, a couple told me, “We just want to be understood by each other, and we want less arguing.” It’s a familiar refrain. Most couples say they want better communication, but what they really want is connection. They want to feel safe, seen, and understood, even when tensions rise.

Communication isn’t about talking more, explaining better, or winning an argument. It’s about creating a space where both people can show up fully, even when fear or frustration is present.

After more than thirty years working with couples, I’ve noticed this: real communication happens when one person speaks to be known, and the other listens to learn. When either part falters, connection falters too.

Why Conversations Go Off Track

Most of us were never taught how to communicate, only that we should. So we fall back on habits that feel natural but often make things worse:

*Listening to respond instead of understanding
*Interrupting to correct or clarify
*Preparing our defense while the other is still talking
*Confusing being right with being connected

Underneath it all is something very human: fear. Fear of being blamed, dismissed, or misunderstood. When fear takes over, curiosity disappears.

Speaking to Be Known

Speaking to be known is about sharing your experience without blame. It’s about naming what you feel, talking about impact rather than intent, and owning your emotions rather than assigning fault.

Instead of:�“You never listen to me.”
try:�“When I don’t feel heard, I shut down and pull away.”

This kind of speaking invites understanding instead of defensiveness.

Listening to Learn

Listening to learn is one of the most powerful and least practiced relationship skills. It’s about listening without fixing, defending, or minimizing. The goal isn’t agreement—it’s understanding.

A simple but transformative practice is mirroring: reflecting back what you heard, without judgment or advice. Something like:
“So what I hear you saying is…”
That alone slows things down and signals, “You matter. I’m really trying to understand you.”

Why This Matters

Happy couples don’t have fewer problems than unhappy ones; they just repair better. When people feel heard, they soften. When they soften, they stay engaged. That’s where connection lives.

Communication isn’t about perfection; it’s about responsiveness.

A Simple Practice to Try

Set aside ten minutes. One person speaks for a few minutes about something that matters. The other listens and mirrors back what they heard. Then switch. No fixing, no advice, just presence.

It may feel awkward at first. That’s okay. You’re learning a skill most of us were never taught.

Love Is a Practice

Love isn’t just something we feel… it’s something we do. And like any meaningful practice, it improves with intention. Relationships are where we struggle and grow the most. Learning to communicate well may be one of the most important life skills we can develop.

If you’d like to explore more ways to build resilient, emotionally healthy relationships, you’re welcome to subscribe. I share reflections, research-informed insights, and practical tools to help love feel both meaningful and doable.

01/02/2026

The Quiet Work That Actually Shapes Our Lives-
why noticing the people you love matters more than checking off resolutions

As another year turns, we feel it again—the push to “do better”. You know:

Lose weight.
Get in shape.
Earn more.
Save more.
Get organized.
Declutter.
Fix what’s broken.
Get a life!

By January, it’s everywhere—the familiar rhetoric of self-improvement. And sure, I get it. Habits can be tracked. Goals can be measured. Closets can be decluttered. But here’s the thing: what actually shapes our lives rarely shows up on a spreadsheet.

Last week, my husband was telling me something important. And I…wasn’t really there. My body was, but my attention had drifted somewhere between the peanut butter jar and whether we were out of olive oil. I only realized it when I blurted, “Wait, what?” …and I completely realized I’d missed the heart of what he was saying.

Yes, this is me! The one who teaches and writes about empathy and presence. 😉And there I was, nodding at the right moments while mentally composing my grocery list. Oops!

Presence Over Perfection

If we pause long enough, another kind of work comes into view—quieter, less measurable, and far more demanding. In our relationships, it’s the work that actually matters:

Empathy.
Presence.
Curiosity.

Empathy asks something simple:

To notice what it’s like to be someone else right now.

To sense what they need, even when it isn’t spoken.

To make space for their experience without rushing to correct, fix, or dismiss it.

It’s selfless work. We can’t control what someone else feels or does—but we can show up. Even when it’s inconvenient. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when we’d rather be thinking about something else.

During the holidays, I saw this pattern play out several times.

A friend was talking about a tough family decision. Halfway through, I interrupted: “Oh, that reminds me of when I…” and launched into my own story. By the time I finished, she had gone quiet. The moment had passed.

Another friend shared some exciting news about a long-awaited promotion. My first thought? “Wow, does that mean longer hours away from your family?” Her face fell. She hadn’t asked for analysis—she just wanted someone to be genuinely excited with her.

And of course, my husband provides daily practice. While he speaks, I mentally calculate what else I have to do that day, nodding in all the right places while my brain runs in a different room. I call this multitasking. He calls it not listening.🫢Being a relationship educator doesn’t mean I’ve mastered empathy; it just means I get to notice how often I miss it.

My dog, by the way, is better at this than I am. She notices everything. When I’m sad, she sits on my feet. When I’m anxious, she leans against my leg. She doesn’t try to fix it. She just shows up. Ever notice “dog” is “god” spelled backward? I think they’re far more evolved than we are. 🙂

These moments are humbling reminders for us all: even those of us who teach empathy slip into distraction, comparison, or problem-solving. And that’s because presence isn’t automatic; it’s a choice, repeated endlessly, one small act at a time.

This work exposes our patterns:

Do we meet one another with generosity—or retreat into transaction?

Do we truly listen—or offer advice too soon?

Do we allow someone else’s joy to shine—or dim it with comparison?

It’s uncomfortable because it asks us to feel what someone else is feeling.
Easier to offer solutions than sit with sadness.
Easier to scroll than hold space.
Easier to interrupt with our story than stay curious about theirs.

The work of empathy doesn’t come with progress bars or achievement badges. It accumulates quietly, in small, often invisible ways:

Putting down your phone while someone speaks.

Remembering a detail they mentioned weeks ago.

Choosing curiosity over judgment when behaviour confuses you.

Even noticing the beings who rely on you—pausing to meet your dog’s gaze, noticing your cat’s presence, honouring the trust and dependence they place in you.

This kind of attention takes courage. Not the courage of goal-setting or self-optimization. The courage to stay present. To bear witness without trying to solve it. To risk discomfort. To choose connection over convenience.

And when we get it right—when we really listen, make space, stay—people remember. Not because we did something grand, but because we made them feel seen rather than tolerated, loved rather than managed.

So maybe the question at the start of a new year isn’t how to become better—but how to be more present.

How can we listen with curiosity rather than waiting to reply?

How can we offer attention without keeping score?

How can we remain in difficult conversations instead of withdrawing?

This work is quiet, humble and often invisible. And yet, it is what sustains intimacy over time. It’s also what I often get wrong…which is oddly comforting. It means I’m still learning…practice makes perfect, right?☺️

Empathy isn’t a trait; it’s a practice.
Attention and care are skills we can cultivate, strengthen, and choose daily.
This is the curriculum of love—not romance, not sentiment—but the steady commitment to showing up for each other.
And it can happen at any age, in any relationship, at any time.
Even when you’ve just blown it. Especially then.

So, where can you pause today?
Or listen a little longer?
Honour someone else’s story?
Or just be present for the lives that intersect your own?

I’ll be over here, trying to remember what my husband just said.
Putting the grocery list away for ten minutes.
And practicing presence, one baby step at a time.😉

How will you practice presence this week? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Happy 2026!

12/19/2025

🌟 My first essay on Substack is live!
We Teach Driver’s Ed and Math. Why Don’t We Teach People How to Love?
Read it here →https://open.substack.com/pub/letstalkaboutloveok/p/we-teach-drivers-ed-and-math-why?r=1rifc3&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

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12/19/2025

I’ve roasted more turkeys than I can count, fussing over seasoning, stuffing, basting, timing, and whether the potatoes are fluffy enough. You know… the usual holiday stress: trying to appear calm while silently panicking that guests will arrive late—or worse, that I won’t be ready on time, that the gravy might burn, or that a side dish might meet a dramatic demise on the floor. As Julia Child might say: “The gravy can wait. Find the wine :-)”

And then there’s Callie. She’s never patiently sitting in a corner, watching politely. Nooo. She’s completely underfoot, judging my every move with those soft, soulful eyes, weaving between my ankles like a furry game of Twister. Half the time, I’m reaching for the oven, the sink, or a rogue cooking utensil. The other half, I’m praying I don’t step on a paw or trip over her tail. And yet somehow, she’s also the best sous-chef I’ve ever had— no complaints, no critiques, just enthusiastic, gourmet-style quality control. Meanwhile, my husband watches me rearrange serving dishes for the third time and rolls his eyes, as I mutter: "Are you blind…we can't serve our guests in those dishes?"

Chaotic? Yes. Ridiculous? Absolutely. Normal? Well, at least in our home.
But here's what years of hosting holidays and working with couples have taught me: the turkey was never the issue. It's always been about the stuffing.

LOL! Yep, the real problem is in the stuffing. And, I’m not talking about breadcrumbs or sausage. I’m talking about all the invisible, emotional things we pile in there: tiny resentments, unmet expectations, unspoken feelings, subtle slights, issues of power and control, and all those little irritations we pretend don’t exist…but are just waiting to spill over. We all do it. Every single one of us. And unlike the turkey, you can't just carve around it.

Showing Up for Each Other in the Holiday Chaos

It’s easy to get lost in the rush and perfectionism of the holidays. What truly counts is how you meet the chaos together. The deeper question is simply this: How are you showing up today? Are you noticing your partner’s efforts—the small gestures of care? Maybe it's the way they quietly take on a task so you can focus elsewhere, or silently shoulder the stress? Are you allowing space for each other’s fatigue, frustration, or vulnerability? Because these moments are not interruptions...they are opportunities to connect.

The holidays have a way of amplifying tension, especially if you’re retired, both working from home, or suddenly spending more hours together than usual. You might realize that spending extended time in close quarters with the same person is well…intense. Proximity doesn’t automatically create intimacy. What makes the difference is how couples respond to the inevitable stress, i.e., whether they dig in or soften, escalate or repair.

And this is exactly where the magic of repair lives. In the eye roll that turns into a smile. Or the half-apology offered over the sink. Even a quiet reset sealed with a refill of the “cooking” wine:-) The emotional “stuffing” doesn’t have to explode. When noticed and tended to, it can become the place where couples reconnect—not because they got it right, but because they found their way back to each other.

​
Now stuff that in your Christmas stocking. 😂

Happy holidays, everyone!
Lydia🎄

09/18/2025

Self-focused, not selfish!
Conditioning tells girls to nurture first and want later, while boys are urged to chase their own agency, desire and pleasure. Over time it can feel almost wrong for a woman to centre her erotic desires.
What if pleasure were understood as relational truth, not indulgence? Read on and see what the research says. 👇

During s*x, women tend to focus more on their partner’s pleasure than on their own (Chivers et al., 2010). They are often worried about things like how they look, how well they perform and what their partner feels and thinks, rather than enjoying the intimacy and pleasurable sensations of the mome...

09/01/2025

Partners & Parents💗

08/19/2025

Send a message to learn more

07/01/2025

This!

04/02/2025

One of the best articles I've read about emotional regulation:"Most of us were never taught how to regulate. We were taught how to suppress, smile, or stay silent."

Learn what emotion regulation really is, why it's hard, and how to feel calmer, safer, and more in control—no shame required.

03/31/2025

💜 Sweatpants & Coffee

03/31/2025

Yup!