03/03/2025
About seven years ago, I was staying at the top of a mountain in Colombia when I decided to get an indigenous massage. On the way to the hut, I tripped, thought I had broken my foot, and began to cry. The woman told me to take off my clothes and lie on my back while she prepared her tools. She washed me with herbal cloths as I cried, then began massaging my stomach and speaking to me in Spanish:
"Your boyfriend— not for you. Your work— not for you. Your relationship with your mom— very bad. You are too emotional."
She then cracked my foot back into place, told me to stop crying, and instructed me: “For the next seven days, you must meditate for an hour between 2 and 3 p.m.”
Since I was at the top of a mountain with a sprained foot, this was an easy task to commit to. For seven days, I meditated for a couple of hours a day, read Shantaram, and healed my foot. As I meditated, I began to observe my thoughts and was introduced to one of my greatest saboteurs: the harsh inner critic.
My harsh inner critic has always told me my stomach is a bit too fat, I don’t make enough money, and I’m a bit crazy. I’ve watched it pick me apart, compare me to others, and constantly whisper, “You’re not enough.” Over the years, I’ve noticed the people in my life who planted these voices in my head, but I also realized that I’m the one actively believing and reinforcing them. I’ve spent years working with this critic, trying to befriend myself and develop self-compassion. Today, I can honestly say that most days, I meet myself with kindness.
This month, however, I noticed that inner voice growing louder and louder. So, I decided to sit with it again and ask: “What am I feeling? Where is this coming from?”
I realized I was struggling with emotional impermanence— the fear that someone’s feelings change when you’re not there— coupled with the inner critic screaming, “You’re not good enough.”
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