Iris Counseling

04/24/2026

Grief, Dementia, and Cell Memory
As most of you know I was adopted at 6 months of age. In 1987, I was an RNA and working at the Blind River hospital. One day when I went into work, I was told that the patient in one of the rooms that I was assigned was dying. I was instructed to leave the family alone and if they wanted or needed anything they would ask. At about noon a young girl came to the nurse’s station and asked me if I could bring a jug of ice water to the room. I did. As I got close to the patient something happened in my heart. I could not explain it. I looked at the lady dying in the bed. The next thought did not make sense to me. I wondered if this could be my mother? The last name was different than the one I was given at birth. It did not make sense to me. But I wondered. Many years later it was confirmed, that yes that was my biological mother.
This is the only evidence I have that our cells remember. My cells know my biological mother, even though I had not seen her since she gave birth to me.
So, what happens when people have dementia? Do our cells remember even though people do not or can not speak of the things? Based on my limited experience, my guess is yes. The brain may be confusing things and not making sense to us who stand by and watch from the outside, but on the inside, I believe at some level they remember in their heart. The words that come out of their mouth might be different but the heart knows people. A mother knows her children.
So, should I visit a family member who has dementia who cared for me? Yes, because the heart cells remember. A child may not remember all the nights a family member walked up and down a hall way trying to comfort them or stayed up all night because they were sick, or changed your dirty diapers. They did not use the excuse well you won’t remember so I won’t pick you up and comfort you, or feed you or burp you or change your diaper. But the cells remember. Love remembers everything. Is it hard to stand on the outside and see our loved ones with dementia slowly slipping away mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually? Yes, because we love them and we are all called to witness this journey. Because of my experience, I think using the excuse that the loved one with dementia will not remember or know that you are there is just an excuse so you don’t have to grieve, or hurt to see them this way. That is why I try to visit my 102-year-old aunt once a year. Even though it is not clear whether she remembers me or not. I know her heart does.
In the words of my mother-in-law, all there is, is love.

04/16/2026

Many people ask me what is the difference between grieving and mourning? Is there a difference? The answer is yes there is, although many people use the terms interchangeably. Grieving is what you do privately. Mourning is what you see at funerals, or wakes. When I am working with people I am not going to split hairs on word. The most important this is that you express yourself, in words, and actions. E+Motion means that your Energy needs to be moving. Your energy will either move up and out of you which is called Expression or down and in you which is called depression of emotions. The healthy choice is always EXPRESSION, whether it is writing, picture taking, drawing, chopping, creating food, running or something physical, cutting the lawn or shoveling the snow, or yelling from the mountain top, or throwing rocks/sticks into the water. Its your choice how you express your emotions, as long as it is in a safe and not harm to yourself or others.

12/18/2025

10/12/2025

How true...from me to you.

08/10/2025

Everything in life is looking for some sort of food to sustain us. But when that food is gone what is there. The same thing happens when people die. What food is there to sustain them now that the person is gone. Many times things get thrown out because the person looking sees no value or food. They missed the food. When someone died the new food is in the memories. The objects left behind are memories that are more valuable than money. Because what you are really sifting through is memories of love. And you can not put a price on that. Love is the food for our hearts. It is somewhat intangible but it speaks to the heart. That is what we share when we come together to morn. Memories of love and it is that love that is the food that will sustain use during difficult days a head.

02/26/2025

How true...

02/18/2025

I have been thinking of experiences of grief presentations, and books on grief. If you just listen and don't do anything except gain knowledge about grief, you may have missed the boat. Grief is a feeling and a journey...You must do something to process it. Keeping it in your head is a bad recycle program, because all you do is think about it over and over again. You get stuck in your grief. You need to physically do something with the emotion or feelings. So look up stuff to help you process your grief: write letters, talk to people, draw, knit, talk and record your memories, get angry and chop wood or rip up paper, reorganize or paint a room. Do something to get the emotion up and out of you. The most unhealthy thing you can do is stuff in deep down within yourself. If you need help set up an appointment with me. You don't have to do it alone. iris.counseling@gmail.com.

12/10/2024

Recently, I have been thinking about this time of year, this "season". For many it is a season of hope and holidaying. But let us not forget those who are grieving. Underneath the season is a weight of loss, buried deep inside the heart. The loss may be recent, or have occurred long ago. Grief does not know time. It rises out of nowhere, in the dark, just like the creation of rocks. Rising, slowly, painfully and hidden within. So as we journey in this season let us journey with compassion, love, understanding, gentleness. For sometimes grievers may act our in anger or silence. They may not understand where these emotions are coming from. Our job is just to journey with them not judge them. Love them where they are at.

08/21/2024

What a great idea...Grief Groceries!
I saw this letter today- as a funeral directors son, I have been around this for years. This is some of the best advice I have ever seen.
“Hey there, Thanks for writing. I’m really glad your friend has you in her life.
I get it. Grief is a funny thing. It’s the time in our life when we most need help, and also the time when asking for help is so hard. Not because we are ashamed to ask for help, although that happens sometimes too. But mostly because our brain just sort of shuts down.
When my Dad died, I looked functional. But I wasn’t OK. Not at all. And when the news got out, the ton of people flooding me with calls, texts, and DM’s was overwhelming. I really couldn’t function. I sat on the swing in our yard and just stared into space. People called and asked what they could do to help. I had no idea.
“Well, anything you need at all, let me know, OK?”
“OK”.
They hung up. I stared into space some more.
I had no idea what to do. What I needed. I didn’t even know what to ask for.
Then a friend sent a text. This friend had met Dad once but didn’t really know him. But still, she knew I was hurting. I saw who it was and almost put the phone down without reading the text, but I saw the message and it stopped me:
Will you be home at 8:30 tonight?
What’s weird is this friend lives 12 hours away from me.
Yes, I replied.
“K.”
10 minutes later, she said, “Instacart will be there at 8:30. Open the door for them.”
“What?”
“Grief Groceries.!!”
When Instacart showed up, they put two large bags of groceries on my porch. Frozen pizzas. Ice cream. Oreo cookies. Tinned soup. Stouffer’s lasagna. A gallon of milk. Like that. Things I could heat up if I needed a meal, or pig out on if I needed fat and sugar. Sometimes, you just need to eat half a box of Oreos.
Notice she didn’t ask if I needed any food. I would have said no. She just asked if I would be home.
Grief groceries.
Another friend, who lives out of town, asked Renee to name a restaurant near our house where we like to eat. There is a local chain near our house that is sort of a deli. When we eat supper there, we spend about $25. Renee told her the name of the place.
An hour later, there was a gift card in my inbox for $250. Yes, that is a lot of money, and I understand not everyone can do that. But the wonderful thing was that because it was enough for multiple meals, we didn’t try to save it for “the right time”. We ate there that night, and take out from there several times a week for the next month on nights when I just didn’t have the spoons to cook.
Both of those gift-givers knew something I didn’t know – that when you are grieving, you don’t want to make decisions. No, that’s not quite it: You can’t make decisions. You hit decision fatigue really fast.
So, I guess what I’m saying is, don’t ask grieving people to make big choices or decisions. “How can I help” is a big choice. But “Can I take the kids this afternoon so you can have some time to yourself” is a much smaller one. “Will you be home tonight?” is a small choice. “What restaurant do you like” is a small decision. Just showing up to cut their grass because you noticed it needed cutting is loads better than asking, “Do you want me to cut the grass?” Or, “I’m going to Target. What can I get you while I’m there?” is better than “Can I run any errands for you?”
It won’t always be like this. If you stick around, eventually they will surface and ways to be helpful will make themselves known. But in the first few days, especially, it helps to remove as many decisions from their plate as you can!”
Original Words from: Hugh Hollowell Jr.
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08/17/2024

Morning Dew or mourning do...Two words that sound similar.
The first morning dew happens when the sky is clear and the ground cools, and the warm air radiates away from the ground causing dew to form on surround things.
This is similar to what we experience when someone dies. We can see clearly what is before us. The person dies causing dew to form, which we call tears. Tears gather on the surface of our face. Letting go and letting love be experienced from the person who has died to our memories of love, and loving.
My hope is that you will be like this coneflower in the early morning dew.

02/13/2024

I am posting this article as I reflect on my 100 year old aunt who recent went into a nursing home. My doctor told me that I do not have memory loss because those who have memory loss don't know they are having memory loss. That was the case with my 100 year old aunt. She went into the nursing home kicking an fighting saying that she still has all her marbles. But those who love her witness her behaviors that put her life in danger because she would leave the stove one, the kettle and forget they were on for a long period of time. Thank you to those who helped keep my aunt safe.
Elderly Face Grief and Loss Differently Than Do Others
MITCHEL L. ZOLER
Loss is inevitable for the elderly, and with loss comes grief.
Losses are not just the deaths of loved ones, friends, and acquaintances. The elderly also experience loss and grief as they begin to have a diminished ability in activities of daily living. This then can cause the elderly to lose a sense of purpose.
Many elderly also have difficulty when they can no longer live independently. They struggle with the loss of their homes, their possessions, their health, body parts, their vocations, not to mention their independence, Vicki L. Schmall, Ph.D., and Patrick Arbore, Ed.D., said at a conference sponsored by the American Society on Aging.
“Anything lost in which a person has invested their emotions, attention, time, energy, or dreams” leads to grief and mourning, said Dr. Schmall, president and gerontology specialist at Aging Concerns, based in West Linn, Ore.
“The psychologic context of loss is different for the elderly, compared with that for younger people,” said Dr. Arbore, director of the Center for Elderly Su***de Prevention at the Institute on Aging in San Francisco. In younger people, losses tend to be sudden and unexpected. For the elderly, losses are not unexpected. And though they are perceived as inherent to living a long life, the accumulation of loss can lead to “bereavement overload,” Dr. Arbore said.
Grief is a natural and expected reaction to any loss, not just another person's death. It is the process of experiencing the psychological, behavioral, social, and physical reactions to loss. Grief has been described as a long roller coaster ride that gradually levels out.
One of the key issues for physicians and other health care providers who care for the elderly is whether people move forward with their grief or get stuck and become depressed. “Grief is an emotional pain that needs to be acknowledged and experienced,” said Dr. Arbore. In contrast, depression is a state where pain is experienced as being useless and meaningless.
In general, after the loss of a loved one, symptoms of depression usually last for up to 2 months, but it's hard to put a timetable on grief. Periods of sadness should not be diagnosed as depression unless they are unusually prolonged, severe, or cause clinically significant impairment.
Normal reactions that individuals experience after the loss of a loved one include denial, confusion, lack of concentration, fatigue, forgetfulness, irritability and anger, sadness and anguish, anxiety, and horror.
Health care workers should not make the mistake of giving patients agents that sedate the pain of grieving, said Dr. Schmall, former director of the program on gerontology at Oregon State University in Corvallis. This prevents people from talking about their loss, an important part of grieving.
A person needs an outlet for their pain by grieving. He or she also needs to be able to work through grief and pain, Dr. Schmall said.
The most effective ways to help someone who is grieving is to listen, be empathic, acknowledge the person's loss, and help the patient experience the event at his or her own pace.