09/25/2023
Sometimes I struggle with what to share here. I don’t really know how to show up without being vulnerable about where I’m at. I don’t want to fake it.
But I also don’t want anyone to think I’m dramatizing my life for likes and follows.
If sharing can help someone, even just one person, then I want to share it.
So here’s an update. Overall I am so much better. Im able to work again, able to take care of my kids again and I’m able to enjoy my life again. Im not 💯 but taking into consideration how sick I was 6 months ago, I am so grateful to be where I’m at.
Some days I wake up and my fingers and other joints ache. As if I’ve done a very hard workout but haven’t recovered. The neck pain is mostly gone though and I am so thankful for that.
Somedays I wake up and feel dissociated from my life, I’m told this is a common symptom of chronic illness and that it’s my brain trying to protect me. Thankfully it’s only intermittently now and I’m usually able to ground myself enough to put it behind me. For that, I am so thankful.
My appetite still comes and goes intermittently but it’s more coming than going and I am so thankful for that.
The anxiety isn’t constant anymore but it still hovers and occasionally takes ahold of me. The intrusive thoughts are less but still present. I wish they were gone completely but I have faith they will be one day.
When people ask me how I’m doing I say “good” or “ok” or “a lot better” because I am and to give any other answer would take a very complex explanation that even I don’t know how to give.
It’s all still hard. The mental load is heavy. The fear of the fear is what I’m working on most but I’m here. I didn’t really want to be here for a while, the mental pain was so intense, but my family and God gave me purpose and every day I told myself “tomorrow could be better” and one day, it was.
Im not where I want to be yet but I am also not where I was and that is worth being thankful for. So, thank you, thank you for being here, for staying here even when I wasn’t present. So many of you reached out with kind messages and encouragement, it helped more than you know 💜