05/04/2018
ANXIETY
I was listening to a conversation about anxious and avoidant attachment patterns in relationships and I remembered why it was so helpful learning about attachment styles so many years ago.
I lean toward the anxious attachment style in friendship. That’s somewhat like having a love addiction. I became attached to different friends and their love and attention was what I craved and it’s what defined me, made me feel rooted and made me feel safe in this world.
Unfortunately, anxious attachers can only form addictive patterns with avoidant attachers. The pain and suffering that comes from love addiction doesn’t happen when I’m in relationship with a secure attacher because they have no problem meeting my needs. The yucky destructive patterns like neediness, insecurity, anxiety and manipulation don’t show up for me when I’m in relationship with someone who is securely attached because their strong, steady love doesn’t trigger my fears.
But, inevitably, I used to always form unhealthy dependency with avoidant attachers because that’s what anxious attachers do - they unconsciously seek out avoidant attachers. And of course, once you learn about attachment styles in relationships you see how painful the relationship is between an anxious and avoidant attacher - for both people.
There is one dynamic though that really damaged me for a long time and that was only seeing my part in the unhealthy anxious/avoidant dynamic. I could see my anxiety, my dependency, my unhealthy need but I didn’t understand the role the other person played in that dance - I couldn’t see their part and unfortunately neither could they. We both focused on my part thinking I was the problem.
All my relationships with this pattern dissolved with the other person believing I was the problem. And I get it. Anxious attachers usually show up with obvious symptoms like anxiety and neediness whereas avoidant attachers symptoms can be less obvious like withdrawing which can be mistaken as independence. What I wish someone would have explained to me years ago is it takes two to create the unhealthy kinds of relationship I experienced. I wish I would have known it wasn’t just me. I wish I would have been strong enough to stand up for myself and make the other person see what they didn’t want to acknowledge or walk away sooner if they continued to refuse to own up to their role in our mutual inability to understand each other.
But I couldn’t speak up. Each and every time I couldn’t speak up. I let them walk away seeing me as the problem and I didn’t express how wrong I thought they were. I just let them draw whatever conclusion they wanted to draw. I didn’t fight. I didn’t argue. I walked away. I let the relationship die and I let them believe it was my fault it did. I let them blame me while knowing the whole time they were missing so much information.
And I did this because I couldn’t confront them. I physically couldn’t handle a confrontation. My health at the time made it impossible.
And that’s what my health has taught me. It’s shown me what years of living with anxiety did to my body. I lean heavy on the anxious attachment side of relationships but I bring that anxious nature with me everywhere else in my life too and it’s so very destructive.
And meditation isn’t enough of a solution for me. I needed more because without dealing with the issues in my life that were anxiety inducing, my days were filled with one event after another that triggered my anxiety - like being in relationship with avoidant attachers does. Yes, I had to learn mindfulness and meditation and tricks to help self-regulate my emotions but, when appropriate, I also had to start eliminating from my life those things that trigger my anxiety. And I had to learn how to love myself and treat myself with kindness and gentleness despite my anxiety and the burden it places on me and the people I love. I had to accept this is who I am and learn how to handle my anxiety as I imagined a patient loving mother would treat her anxious child.
I imagined that mother would protect her child, help her child feel safe, advocate for that child, educate her child about anxiety and how it affects her body and her relationships, hold that child in warmth and love when anxiety overwhelmed her nervous system, forgave her child when the emotions became too big and unmanageable, soothed that child, helped her child learn how to manage her own anxiety and helped her child build a life and invite relationships that were anxiety friendly.
I imagined that mother then I became that mother for myself.
I can’t erase my past but I can learn from it and make new choices and approach my relationships with myself and others with a deeper understanding and wisdom and that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m gathering the roses from the wreckage my anxiety left and learning to create something new.
