http://www.jordanpickellcounselling.ca/

Jordan Pickell Counselling, Vancouver, BC (2025)

09/13/2025

I was inspired to write this post by several people on threads talking about their decisions to go no-contact this week.

I am not encouraging you to go no-contact with your family members. The decision is yours to make. People can’t understand the complexities of your circumstances, relationships, and mental health. Going no-contact is not supposed to be a punishment but an intentional decision for your wellbeing. I hope you find a sense of clarity.

If you do choose to go no-contact, you will likely feel guilt. Let the initial wave of guilt pass before considering whether it’s coming from being misaligned with your values, or from simply breaking the social rules. I wish you a sense of closure. Know that a sense of closure may not come.

For those of you who went no-contact, what helped you during that process?

09/10/2025

If your family’s version of closeness is enmeshment, that inevitably shapes your relationships with dating and romantic partners. Notice if it’s harder to get close to or commit to someone outside of the family. Maybe your time and attention is already accounted for. You aren’t in touch with what you want or how you feel as separate from your family, so you prefer to stick with the status quo.

Partners may feel frustrated they aren’t made a priority. Maybe you expect them to find a way to fit into the existing family dynamic, rather than shifting your orientation to the different relationships altogether.

Romantic relationships require creating its own sense of “we”. If you are only used to using “we” to mean you and your family, what have you noticed in your romantic relationships?

09/02/2025

As we move into September and you are maybe starting a re-watch of Gilmore Girls, this is a good time to talk about how tv shows and movies depict family enmeshment. On screen, enmeshment is often romanticized or used as a comedic device. Lorelai and Rory are the quintessential enmeshed mother-daughter ‘best friends’ with a ✨special✨ closeness.

Lorelai blurs the boundaries of their parent and child roles, with teenage Rory sometimes acting more like the mom than the kid. She chastises Lorelai when she makes inappropriate comments in social settings, gives her advice, and makes sure she’s wakes up in time to give her a ride to school.

Lorelai is constantly over-involving herself in Rory’s life. Just in the first season, Lorelai forces Rory’s initial date with Dean, actually being present and facilitating conversation between them. Lorelai’s hurt when she finds out Rory had her first kiss and didn’t immediately tell her everything. Rory apologizes as if she made a mistake. Lorelai feels threatened when Rory enjoys time with her grandparents. The examples go on.

Sometimes their enmeshment is beyond invasiveness and flipped roles, Lorelai and Rory emotionally dissolve into each other like they’re the same person. Lorelai naming Rory after herself maybe should have been the first red flag. They share wardrobes and have identical taste in music and movies.

Are all these dynamics ultimately ‘bad’? No. But they *can* be deeply dysfunctional. In real life, enmeshment can stop you from developing relationships with other people, even from developing a relationship with yourself. It can stop you from pursuing your desires and engaging with your talents. You make yourself smaller to fit into the given dynamic. This arrangement can be so normal to you, you might not recognize its impact. Knowing it, naming it is the first step to making more conscious decisions about what you want your relationships— and your life— to look like.

💡Can you name a tv show or movie that fits these tropes? Do you recognize your family in any of these characters?

08/29/2025

Inspired by the article shared by and featuring about her upcoming book, Fawning, I’ve been thinking a lot about the important critique of the current trend of hyperindividualism and how some of the blame is being thrown in the direction of people with cptsd and the therapists who work with them.

Are people kidding? Don’t you think we all want chosen family and thriving friendships and a sense of community? People with cptsd are not fuelling this breakdown of meaningful connection, but those who created and continue to create traumatizing circumstances, whether that’s toxic sub-cultures, emotionally immature and abusive families, billionaires, corporations, the government, and on and on. People with cptsd are not to blame. They are some of the people who feel its impacts the most.

08/22/2025

Interesting how eldest daughters can feel WRACKED with guilt for even the smallest mistakes. And most of the time they aren’t real mistakes. We feel guilty for having a limited capacity, guilty for not being useful, guilty for taking up space. And sometimes, literally no one else cares. No one is guilt-tripping us. No one is disappointed. And yet…

If you’re an eldest daughter, what specific thing makes you feel guilty (that maybe shouldn’t)?

08/21/2025

Not all enmeshed relationships look the same. Sometimes, it’s overtly abusive. Sometimes, it’s subtle and enticing. This is largely shaped by culture, power, and circumstance. Regardless of the specifics of your relationship, enmeshment can carry similar impacts. You might feel wracked with guilt or shame, and anxious about any change in the status quo. Growth starts with understanding the dynamic more specifically, so you can begin to choose something different.

Do you resonate with one or more of these types of enmeshed relationships? (Many enmeshed relationships span multiple types, or switch from one type to another over time.)
- The Special Connection
- A Dependency Bind
- Fragile Peace
- Possession

08/19/2025

From the parent’s side, many of the intrusive behaviours of enmeshment can feel like instinct especially if you were enmeshed with your own family member(s). It might even be culturally normal. But if you’re wanting a mutually respectful relationship with your kid, who can grow into their own person and know their own worthiness, practice some (or all!) of these ways of parenting.

1. Allow children to have a say in their activities, electives, educational pursuits, etc
2. Encourage friendships, without needing to know every detail about the person or what they talk about
3. If they’re asking for privacy or setting a boundary, respect that as much as possible. (Side note: Teaching them privacy vs secrecy, secrets that feel uncomfortable, etc is important.) The more you respect their ‘no’, the more your kid will tell you in the long term.
4. Allow your kid to have a different opinion! Be curious about their opinion. Maybe even praise them when they disagree with you clearly and respectfully. It is such a privilege to get to know our kids as separate and unique people.
5. Empathetic, mature kids seem like they can handle it, but be thoughtful about what you share about your marriage/dating life, money problems, or struggles with mental illness/addiction.
6. Avoid putting too much responsibility on them at once, but give them opportunities to practice skills like cooking, cleaning, and time management alongside you. Be encouraging!
7. Be clear you respect their decisions. It’s okay to tell them how you feel (in headline only)! Turn to your peers or therapist to process disappointment, grief, etc.
8. Teach them safety skills, remind them once, and then do your own work to manage your anxiety.

08/18/2025

Okay, I know this can be confusing, but not all close relationships are enmeshed. And not all enmeshed relationships are emotionally intimate. As a therapist, understanding the complex phenomenon of enmeshment requires taking a closer look at the specific dynamics of the relationship. The expectations, the guilt, the control is not always apparent on the surface.

Because enmeshment is a new term to many people, I’m going to be busting myths and unpacking common critiques! Let me know your questions and points of confusion below 👇🏼

08/12/2025

Salvador Minuchin first introduced the concept of ‘enmeshment’ in the 1970s, and it’s finally breaking into popular awareness. This relationship dynamic was the topic of a piece in the this week, and I was honoured to be part of the conversation (though it roasts my relationship with my sister a bit 😅.) If you read closely, you’ll learn some big news!

If you’ve ever felt like you had to parent your parent or siblings…
If you’ve felt that you were never allowed to grow up and become your own person…
If you feel compelled to be the fixer, the peacemaker, or the responsible one at the expense of yourself in your family relationships…
I’m writing a book for you.

I’m excited to say the book will be published next year with ! Writing it has invited me to think more deeply about how to talk about the nuance of enmeshed family relationships, and how exactly to untangle yourself from it. I’m thrilled to share my insights with you.

If you want to read the NYT piece without the paywall or join my 💌 list for updates, you know where to find it! 🔗

07/01/2025

Growing up in a family that values appearances can lead to a habit of perpetually performing politeness in adulthood. Politeness can disconnect us from our true wants, needs, and boundaries in the moment. We self-censor, over-explain, and cross our own boundaries.

Your boundaries don’t need anyone’s approval to be valid.

Experiment with doing the authentic but potentially “rude” thing, something relatively low stakes like turning down trying a dish or leaving the gathering early. It takes self-awareness and practice to listen to ourselves and express our feelings and boundaries.

Setting boundaries is hard, but it’s a muscle you can strengthen.

06/25/2025

I was a guest on Sherrie Campbell, PhD's, podcast to discuss enmeshment in family relationships. It's a juicy one! Listen here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3DCetTh5rx9zklEEjHDcZO?si=255yGWALTECGNfhryzlHpA

06/15/2025

Even when we can thoughtfully explain why our fathers are the way they are, it does not let them evade responsibility for the hurt they caused. We can see the context— they grew up with toxic masculinity, they were treated this way too, they have their own traumatic history, they have their own problems. It just might explain it, but it does not excuse it. Would you also extend that same understanding, that same benefit of the doubt to yourself if you treated your child this way? Or do you hold yourself to a higher standard? Some people cannot seem to muster the anger towards their chaotic, abusive, or absent fathers—maybe you redirect that anger towards your mother or other parental figure or even yourself— the idea that you know better, while your father is off the hook. If you are angry towards your father for the harm he caused— your anger is valid. As a society, the expectation for fathers is a disturbingly low bar. Food and shelter (if you were “lucky” enough to get that from your father) does not negate harm. We should hold fathers accountable for their actions. We should hold fathers to a higher standard. I honour all the complex uncomfortable feelings toward your father— anger, grief, confusion, guilt, pity, hurt. Even feelings of love and compassion can be complicated when it is towards a father who was hurtful. Your feelings and your ways of responding to the hurt is okay. You deserved better. I hope you can experience those ways of being seen and loved and cared for through other relationships now in adulthood.

Jordan Pickell Counselling

09/13/2025

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