http://www.jordanpickellcounselling.ca/

Jordan Pickell Counselling, Vancouver, BC (2026)

04/09/2026

Abusive parents will use the words “parental alienation” and “brainwashing” to perpetuate emotional abuse. By accusing your other parent, family member, friend, partner, therapist, or more generally “social media” of “brainwashing” you, they shift the focus away from their abusive behaviour. They control the narrative, casting themselves as the victim.

Ironically, calling you “brainwashed” is a kind of gaslighting, where you might begin to doubt your own feelings and perception. Your parent is able to reinforce their power and control by confusing you and manipulating other people in your life. You might feel immense pressure to maintain a relationship with your abusive parent.

Accusing you of being “brainwashed” disregards your ability to make decisions about your own relationships. You are supposedly being manipulated rather than having a mind of your own and valid reasons for setting significant boundaries.

Sometimes people in your life are telling you your parent is a piece of s**t because your parent is abusive and they see the manipulation for what it is. Think twice whenever someone throws around the phrases “brainwashing” or “parental alienation” and focus on what you know is true. You are an adult. You have the ability to make your own decisions.

If you want to take some time to tune into *your* values, feelings, and needs, rather than your parent’s, join me on April 25th for “Navigating Fractured Relationships with Difficult Parents.” You get to decide how you engage in your relationship with your parent.

04/05/2026

Families have unwritten rules for gatherings—what to wear, how to eat, what to talk about (and what not to talk about).

For some people, it can be an uncomfortable performance, especially if there’s a significant gap between how you present yourself and what you feel inside. Even as an adult, you might have family members reminding you how to act.

You might find your body tense the morning of, your nervous system poised to start a fight.

At some point the expectations might be so suffocating, you decide to opt out going forward. That’s a valid choice. But for many, you want to find a way to balance on that edge, playing your role and keeping up appearances while also staying connected with yourself.

That might mean tiny acts of rebellion like saying something you aren’t ’supposed to’ say. Spending more time with one person. Revealing your tattoo.

Think about how long you’ll stay and why you’re going in the first place. You don’t have to play along exactly as you were taught. You can bend (or even break) the rules.

What are the unwritten rules of gatherings in your family?

04/03/2026

Growing up, I always felt older than I was. Perpetually 30 when I was just a kid. But now closer to 40 than 30, I realize how young I actually was. Such an interesting phenomenon—how you can *feel* a certain age, even when it’s diverges significantly from your chronological age. And I know this is true for so many of us who were “wise beyond our years”— as an adult, actually feeling so young. Not in a carefree kind of way, but like, whoa, I know so little, don’t I? There is still so much to learn and to experience. Even just taking a breath for a second. Recognizing what’s mine and what isn’t. And be here.

03/26/2026

You might interpret your parent’s difficult emotions as personal assignments. Even when you don’t want to! Even when you know it has nothing to do with you! It’s likely a pattern you’ve been living since childhood. And that makes it difficult to break. How can you untangle your feelings of responsibility from their feelings of anger, shame, irritation, grief, embarrassment, rage, and on and on. Can you let their feelings be theirs?

03/17/2026

People who *know* about their enmeshment often describe the lightbulb moment of when they realized the true dynamics of their family. Suddenly, their feelings, their family’s strange behaviours, the motivations behind life decisions big and small come flooding in. It’s a journey. But initially, that new clarity means relief.

Have you ever learned a word about family dynamics that fundamentally shifted the way you understand your experience?

10/01/2025

When your emotionally immature parent is on the attack, it can be tempting to try to pull other people into the conflict. You might think a sibling, your other parent, a family friend, or their parent could help you call them out. You have fantasies of you and your sibling confronting your parent and getting them to admit to their lies. Your grandparent stepping in to say this is wrong. You want someone to see what you are seeing.

When you pull someone into the conflict by asking them to take your side, get involved, or try to fix it for you, you are engaging in triangulation where three people (or more) interact in an ever-shifting dynamic of confrontation, sharing inflammatory information, shifting loyalties, and keeping secrets. Your parent could respond by going on the attack, telling people things you have done or said, even if none of it is true.

When you add people into the mix, you are adding more variables and more risk. Frankly, it could blow up in your face. Your parent plays victim, and all of a sudden you’re the abusive one. Maybe they fully take your parent’s side against you or maybe it’s the infuriating “neutral” stance, wishing everyone would just get along. Maybe they focus on your emotional reactions and judge you for being dramatic and paranoid.

You can call out abuse and share your emotions. You can go to other people for support, but don’t try to enlist them to fight for you. Doing so may drag you further into a dynamic based in manipulation and abuse of power. I also recognize this can be cultural. You may come from a family or a community where triangulation is how you interact with one another. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But be intentional about who you go to and be cautious about what you share to avoid feeding into a toxic dynamic.

Have you ever tried to get someone to help you with the conflict with your parent, only for it to fail spectacularly?

09/25/2025

Of course, I’m not saying helping your family is bad or wrong. It can be kind and caring to support each other, even if that means making significant sacrifices. But then that’s not a boundary, that’s a choice. What matters is how this *feels* in your body. Does being open about your finances and giving them money nourish you and make you feel proud, or does it leave you resentful and financially insecure?

Everyone has different priorities, comfort levels, and values when it comes to money. Acknowledging your boundaries is not selfish. You have limitations. That’s okay.

If you are someone who recognizes your boundaries are being crossed, I hope you can find ways, big and small, to make changes and reclaim your sense of financial security. You can say no in more situations than you probably realize.

09/22/2025

This is a little tongue-in-cheek for a Monday morning post. I don’t actually think in labels like this necessarily. We are so much more than any of this language can capture. I hope that seeing this articulated here can help you identify whether my page is the right space for you.

That caveat aside, let’s add em up. How many points are you? 😉
12 out of 15 for me 🙃 (the ‘and’ ones are separate) Do I win?

09/13/2025

I was inspired to write this post by several people on threads talking about their decisions to go no-contact this week.

I am not encouraging you to go no-contact with your family members. The decision is yours to make. People can’t understand the complexities of your circumstances, relationships, and mental health. Going no-contact is not supposed to be a punishment but an intentional decision for your wellbeing. I hope you find a sense of clarity.

If you do choose to go no-contact, you will likely feel guilt. Let the initial wave of guilt pass before considering whether it’s coming from being misaligned with your values, or from simply breaking the social rules. I wish you a sense of closure. Know that a sense of closure may not come.

For those of you who went no-contact, what helped you during that process?

09/10/2025

If your family’s version of closeness is enmeshment, that inevitably shapes your relationships with dating and romantic partners. Notice if it’s harder to get close to or commit to someone outside of the family. Maybe your time and attention is already accounted for. You aren’t in touch with what you want or how you feel as separate from your family, so you prefer to stick with the status quo.

Partners may feel frustrated they aren’t made a priority. Maybe you expect them to find a way to fit into the existing family dynamic, rather than shifting your orientation to the different relationships altogether.

Romantic relationships require creating its own sense of “we”. If you are only used to using “we” to mean you and your family, what have you noticed in your romantic relationships?

09/02/2025

As we move into September and you are maybe starting a re-watch of Gilmore Girls, this is a good time to talk about how tv shows and movies depict family enmeshment. On screen, enmeshment is often romanticized or used as a comedic device. Lorelai and Rory are the quintessential enmeshed mother-daughter ‘best friends’ with a ✨special✨ closeness.

Lorelai blurs the boundaries of their parent and child roles, with teenage Rory sometimes acting more like the mom than the kid. She chastises Lorelai when she makes inappropriate comments in social settings, gives her advice, and makes sure she’s wakes up in time to give her a ride to school.

Lorelai is constantly over-involving herself in Rory’s life. Just in the first season, Lorelai forces Rory’s initial date with Dean, actually being present and facilitating conversation between them. Lorelai’s hurt when she finds out Rory had her first kiss and didn’t immediately tell her everything. Rory apologizes as if she made a mistake. Lorelai feels threatened when Rory enjoys time with her grandparents. The examples go on.

Sometimes their enmeshment is beyond invasiveness and flipped roles, Lorelai and Rory emotionally dissolve into each other like they’re the same person. Lorelai naming Rory after herself maybe should have been the first red flag. They share wardrobes and have identical taste in music and movies.

Are all these dynamics ultimately ‘bad’? No. But they *can* be deeply dysfunctional. In real life, enmeshment can stop you from developing relationships with other people, even from developing a relationship with yourself. It can stop you from pursuing your desires and engaging with your talents. You make yourself smaller to fit into the given dynamic. This arrangement can be so normal to you, you might not recognize its impact. Knowing it, naming it is the first step to making more conscious decisions about what you want your relationships— and your life— to look like.

💡Can you name a tv show or movie that fits these tropes? Do you recognize your family in any of these characters?

08/29/2025

Inspired by the article shared by and featuring about her upcoming book, Fawning, I’ve been thinking a lot about the important critique of the current trend of hyperindividualism and how some of the blame is being thrown in the direction of people with cptsd and the therapists who work with them.

Are people kidding? Don’t you think we all want chosen family and thriving friendships and a sense of community? People with cptsd are not fuelling this breakdown of meaningful connection, but those who created and continue to create traumatizing circumstances, whether that’s toxic sub-cultures, emotionally immature and abusive families, billionaires, corporations, the government, and on and on. People with cptsd are not to blame. They are some of the people who feel its impacts the most.

Jordan Pickell Counselling

04/09/2026

04/05/2026

04/03/2026

03/26/2026

03/17/2026

10/01/2025

09/25/2025

09/22/2025

09/13/2025

09/10/2025

09/02/2025

08/29/2025

Address

Telephone

Website

Alerts

Shortcuts

Share