http://www.jordanpickellcounselling.ca/

Jordan Pickell Counselling, Vancouver, BC (2025)

10/01/2025

When your emotionally immature parent is on the attack, it can be tempting to try to pull other people into the conflict. You might think a sibling, your other parent, a family friend, or their parent could help you call them out. You have fantasies of you and your sibling confronting your parent and getting them to admit to their lies. Your grandparent stepping in to say this is wrong. You want someone to see what you are seeing.

When you pull someone into the conflict by asking them to take your side, get involved, or try to fix it for you, you are engaging in triangulation where three people (or more) interact in an ever-shifting dynamic of confrontation, sharing inflammatory information, shifting loyalties, and keeping secrets. Your parent could respond by going on the attack, telling people things you have done or said, even if none of it is true.

When you add people into the mix, you are adding more variables and more risk. Frankly, it could blow up in your face. Your parent plays victim, and all of a sudden you’re the abusive one. Maybe they fully take your parent’s side against you or maybe it’s the infuriating “neutral” stance, wishing everyone would just get along. Maybe they focus on your emotional reactions and judge you for being dramatic and paranoid.

You can call out abuse and share your emotions. You can go to other people for support, but don’t try to enlist them to fight for you. Doing so may drag you further into a dynamic based in manipulation and abuse of power. I also recognize this can be cultural. You may come from a family or a community where triangulation is how you interact with one another. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But be intentional about who you go to and be cautious about what you share to avoid feeding into a toxic dynamic.

Have you ever tried to get someone to help you with the conflict with your parent, only for it to fail spectacularly?

09/25/2025

Of course, I’m not saying helping your family is bad or wrong. It can be kind and caring to support each other, even if that means making significant sacrifices. But then that’s not a boundary, that’s a choice. What matters is how this *feels* in your body. Does being open about your finances and giving them money nourish you and make you feel proud, or does it leave you resentful and financially insecure?

Everyone has different priorities, comfort levels, and values when it comes to money. Acknowledging your boundaries is not selfish. You have limitations. That’s okay.

If you are someone who recognizes your boundaries are being crossed, I hope you can find ways, big and small, to make changes and reclaim your sense of financial security. You can say no in more situations than you probably realize.

09/22/2025

This is a little tongue-in-cheek for a Monday morning post. I don’t actually think in labels like this necessarily. We are so much more than any of this language can capture. I hope that seeing this articulated here can help you identify whether my page is the right space for you.

That caveat aside, let’s add em up. How many points are you? 😉
12 out of 15 for me 🙃 (the ‘and’ ones are separate) Do I win?

09/13/2025

I was inspired to write this post by several people on threads talking about their decisions to go no-contact this week.

I am not encouraging you to go no-contact with your family members. The decision is yours to make. People can’t understand the complexities of your circumstances, relationships, and mental health. Going no-contact is not supposed to be a punishment but an intentional decision for your wellbeing. I hope you find a sense of clarity.

If you do choose to go no-contact, you will likely feel guilt. Let the initial wave of guilt pass before considering whether it’s coming from being misaligned with your values, or from simply breaking the social rules. I wish you a sense of closure. Know that a sense of closure may not come.

For those of you who went no-contact, what helped you during that process?

09/10/2025

If your family’s version of closeness is enmeshment, that inevitably shapes your relationships with dating and romantic partners. Notice if it’s harder to get close to or commit to someone outside of the family. Maybe your time and attention is already accounted for. You aren’t in touch with what you want or how you feel as separate from your family, so you prefer to stick with the status quo.

Partners may feel frustrated they aren’t made a priority. Maybe you expect them to find a way to fit into the existing family dynamic, rather than shifting your orientation to the different relationships altogether.

Romantic relationships require creating its own sense of “we”. If you are only used to using “we” to mean you and your family, what have you noticed in your romantic relationships?

09/02/2025

As we move into September and you are maybe starting a re-watch of Gilmore Girls, this is a good time to talk about how tv shows and movies depict family enmeshment. On screen, enmeshment is often romanticized or used as a comedic device. Lorelai and Rory are the quintessential enmeshed mother-daughter ‘best friends’ with a ✨special✨ closeness.

Lorelai blurs the boundaries of their parent and child roles, with teenage Rory sometimes acting more like the mom than the kid. She chastises Lorelai when she makes inappropriate comments in social settings, gives her advice, and makes sure she’s wakes up in time to give her a ride to school.

Lorelai is constantly over-involving herself in Rory’s life. Just in the first season, Lorelai forces Rory’s initial date with Dean, actually being present and facilitating conversation between them. Lorelai’s hurt when she finds out Rory had her first kiss and didn’t immediately tell her everything. Rory apologizes as if she made a mistake. Lorelai feels threatened when Rory enjoys time with her grandparents. The examples go on.

Sometimes their enmeshment is beyond invasiveness and flipped roles, Lorelai and Rory emotionally dissolve into each other like they’re the same person. Lorelai naming Rory after herself maybe should have been the first red flag. They share wardrobes and have identical taste in music and movies.

Are all these dynamics ultimately ‘bad’? No. But they *can* be deeply dysfunctional. In real life, enmeshment can stop you from developing relationships with other people, even from developing a relationship with yourself. It can stop you from pursuing your desires and engaging with your talents. You make yourself smaller to fit into the given dynamic. This arrangement can be so normal to you, you might not recognize its impact. Knowing it, naming it is the first step to making more conscious decisions about what you want your relationships— and your life— to look like.

💡Can you name a tv show or movie that fits these tropes? Do you recognize your family in any of these characters?

08/29/2025

Inspired by the article shared by and featuring about her upcoming book, Fawning, I’ve been thinking a lot about the important critique of the current trend of hyperindividualism and how some of the blame is being thrown in the direction of people with cptsd and the therapists who work with them.

Are people kidding? Don’t you think we all want chosen family and thriving friendships and a sense of community? People with cptsd are not fuelling this breakdown of meaningful connection, but those who created and continue to create traumatizing circumstances, whether that’s toxic sub-cultures, emotionally immature and abusive families, billionaires, corporations, the government, and on and on. People with cptsd are not to blame. They are some of the people who feel its impacts the most.

08/22/2025

Interesting how eldest daughters can feel WRACKED with guilt for even the smallest mistakes. And most of the time they aren’t real mistakes. We feel guilty for having a limited capacity, guilty for not being useful, guilty for taking up space. And sometimes, literally no one else cares. No one is guilt-tripping us. No one is disappointed. And yet…

If you’re an eldest daughter, what specific thing makes you feel guilty (that maybe shouldn’t)?

08/21/2025

Not all enmeshed relationships look the same. Sometimes, it’s overtly abusive. Sometimes, it’s subtle and enticing. This is largely shaped by culture, power, and circumstance. Regardless of the specifics of your relationship, enmeshment can carry similar impacts. You might feel wracked with guilt or shame, and anxious about any change in the status quo. Growth starts with understanding the dynamic more specifically, so you can begin to choose something different.

Do you resonate with one or more of these types of enmeshed relationships? (Many enmeshed relationships span multiple types, or switch from one type to another over time.)
- The Special Connection
- A Dependency Bind
- Fragile Peace
- Possession

08/19/2025

From the parent’s side, many of the intrusive behaviours of enmeshment can feel like instinct especially if you were enmeshed with your own family member(s). It might even be culturally normal. But if you’re wanting a mutually respectful relationship with your kid, who can grow into their own person and know their own worthiness, practice some (or all!) of these ways of parenting.

1. Allow children to have a say in their activities, electives, educational pursuits, etc
2. Encourage friendships, without needing to know every detail about the person or what they talk about
3. If they’re asking for privacy or setting a boundary, respect that as much as possible. (Side note: Teaching them privacy vs secrecy, secrets that feel uncomfortable, etc is important.) The more you respect their ‘no’, the more your kid will tell you in the long term.
4. Allow your kid to have a different opinion! Be curious about their opinion. Maybe even praise them when they disagree with you clearly and respectfully. It is such a privilege to get to know our kids as separate and unique people.
5. Empathetic, mature kids seem like they can handle it, but be thoughtful about what you share about your marriage/dating life, money problems, or struggles with mental illness/addiction.
6. Avoid putting too much responsibility on them at once, but give them opportunities to practice skills like cooking, cleaning, and time management alongside you. Be encouraging!
7. Be clear you respect their decisions. It’s okay to tell them how you feel (in headline only)! Turn to your peers or therapist to process disappointment, grief, etc.
8. Teach them safety skills, remind them once, and then do your own work to manage your anxiety.

08/18/2025

Okay, I know this can be confusing, but not all close relationships are enmeshed. And not all enmeshed relationships are emotionally intimate. As a therapist, understanding the complex phenomenon of enmeshment requires taking a closer look at the specific dynamics of the relationship. The expectations, the guilt, the control is not always apparent on the surface.

Because enmeshment is a new term to many people, I’m going to be busting myths and unpacking common critiques! Let me know your questions and points of confusion below 👇🏼

08/12/2025

Salvador Minuchin first introduced the concept of ‘enmeshment’ in the 1970s, and it’s finally breaking into popular awareness. This relationship dynamic was the topic of a piece in the this week, and I was honoured to be part of the conversation (though it roasts my relationship with my sister a bit 😅.) If you read closely, you’ll learn some big news!

If you’ve ever felt like you had to parent your parent or siblings…
If you’ve felt that you were never allowed to grow up and become your own person…
If you feel compelled to be the fixer, the peacemaker, or the responsible one at the expense of yourself in your family relationships…
I’m writing a book for you.

I’m excited to say the book will be published next year with ! Writing it has invited me to think more deeply about how to talk about the nuance of enmeshed family relationships, and how exactly to untangle yourself from it. I’m thrilled to share my insights with you.

If you want to read the NYT piece without the paywall or join my 💌 list for updates, you know where to find it! 🔗

Jordan Pickell Counselling

10/01/2025

09/25/2025

09/22/2025

09/13/2025

09/10/2025

09/02/2025

08/29/2025

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