02/14/2025
Many people come to therapy feeling confused about why they are struggling with anxiety, depression, or managing their emotions. They say things like:
• “I had a normal childhood. My parents weren’t abusive.”
• “Nothing really bad happened to me growing up.”
There’s often an assumption that only people with overtly traumatic or abusive childhoods develop emotional difficulties later in life. But the truth is, our ability to regulate emotions, handle stress, and navigate relationships isn’t just shaped by what happened to us—it’s also shaped by what didn’t happen.
The key factor? Attachment.
You didn’t have to experience abuse or violence in your home to have insecure attachment. If you grew up feeling unseen, emotionally dismissed or invalidated, or constantly trying to earn approval, you might find yourself struggling with emotions, self-worth, and relationships in adulthood. Emotional misattunement might look like:
• Parents who provided for physical needs but weren’t emotionally present.
• Being told to “stop crying” instead of being comforted.
• Feeling like you had to be “good” to be loved.
• Parents who gave the silent treatment.
• Being punished or sent to your room for expressing emotions.
• Not having a safe space to talk about feelings.
• Caregivers who were too overwhelmed, distracted, or emotionally unavailable.
When children experience emotional misattunement, they tend to blame themselves rather than recognized their parents or caregivers couldn’t always meet their emotional needs. Janina Fisher puts it simply: “It is easier for children to be bad than to believe they are alone in a dangerous world.”
This means we might internalized the belief that:
• “I have to be strong and not need anything.”
• “I have to be perfect to be loved.”
• “Other people’s feelings are more important than mine.”
• “It’s not ok to feel angry or cry.”
These beliefs don’t just disappear in adulthood—they show up in our relationships, in our self-esteem, and in our ability to regulate emotions.
**Read the full article on our blog, including the good news about healing attachment wounds**
