Angela Leong, Registered Clinical Counsellor

How it all began...

As a child, one might say that I had precocious sensitivities. My mother would proudly say that I had a mature ability to be considerate of my parent’s need to save money. My parents were immigrants and at an early age, I understood that that my parents were working very hard to put food on the table so I kept quiet about my needs.

When I entered graduate school, I confronted my mother about the emotional experiences I had as a child: an overwhelming amount of bordom, sadness and loneliness. My mother responded defensively to my remark about the prevalent feelings in the home, and at the time, I was in the midst of a emotionally void romantic relationship. Due to culumative stressors, I found myself on my therapists’ couch. Even upon starting therapy, I insisted that things were fine. But the therapist saw past what I was saying and went straight to asking my what I felt in my body. Immediately, the tears started. She saw past my front. I couldn’t pretend to be confident and self-assured anymore. The old saying“fake it til you make it”, just was not working in this case. My true feelings were desperate for an outlet. I cried and I cried for many sessions in a row.

Looking back, I realized I needed to grieve in order to heal. I needed to grieve what I did not get as a child. I needed to grieve the pain that friends, lovers and family members had put me through. I needed to grieve my losses in order for me to find the peices that remained. Then I used those peices to re-define myself.

Seeing another have awe even in my most vulnerable states was profound. It allowed me to start loving myself for all my quirks, flaws and mistakes. Because someone was caring for me, I started caring for myself. Slowly, I gave myself permission to have self-care practices. I started exploring my sense of spirituality, a nascent aspect of my life. More healing happened. I ended relationships that weren’t serving me. I processed those losses too. It’s been a journey. I am now creating conscious relationships of joy, connection and mutual respect. I’m pushing back against societal expectations to create my own happiness.

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