Mind Your Mind Coaching

29/10/2025

Aren’t you tired of chasing your man?

I believe that there’s something peaceful about reaching the point where the best thing you can do with a man is to leave him alone. Literally. Wherever he is. Completely.

Don’t inspire. Don’t control. Don’t motivate. Don’t move him forward.

To stop looking for justification, explanation, deeper reason. If he’s not doing something - he has a reason: he doesn’t want to, can’t, or doesn’t have the capacity.

He doesn’t call - because he doesn’t want to, or can’t, or doesn’t have the energy.
He doesn’t make plans - because he’s fine where he is.
He doesn’t grow, doesn’t take action, doesn’t meet you halfway - because he doesn’t want to, or can’t, or simply doesn’t care enough to.

And that’s okay. When it stops being okay for him, he’ll do something about it.
But the main question is - what about you?

How long will you keep running after someone who clearly doesn’t move?
How long will you keep carrying both sides of the relationship?

Do you really want to build a relationship alone?
To decide for him what he should want?
To carry the whole load?
And punish him later for the weight you chose to lift yourself?

You’re fine. And so is he. And it just takes two to dance.

If one doesn’t want to, can’t, or doesn’t have the energy - and you’re trying to dance for both - that’s not love.
That’s heavy lifting. Go to the gym for that.

You don’t need to fix, motivate, or save him. It’s one of the hardest things to do - to truly let go. But also one of the most freeing.

You don’t need to become stronger when what you really want is to become happier.

If it resonates with you - if you’re tired of chasing your man without any success, let’s talk. You don’t need to do it all alone.

I offer a free 30-minute conversation to see if this is truly the direction you want to take - or not.

24/10/2025

Today, much is being said about traumatic parenting behaviors, and one of them is the silent treatment.

At first glance, it seems logical: the child misbehaved - let them think, let them “understand” that this is not acceptable. But what do they actually understand?

For the adult, it’s a way to show disapproval or to teach a lesson. But for the child, it’s a fall into emptiness, because the silence of someone close doesn’t feel like a pause - it feels like the death...

When a mother stops talking, stops looking, stops responding to attempts to restore contact - something inside the child breaks. They cannot understand what exactly happened or why - but they feel that the connection is gone, and with it - life itself.

The child’s psyche doesn’t yet know how to put this into words, so in place of connection, a void appears - a kind of psychic absence.

This is how the first internal formula of guilt is formed:
I did something bad → mother disappeared → therefore I am bad → love can be lost.

Later in life, this turns into a familiar pattern:
the fear of making mistakes,
the fear of disappointing someone,
the fear that even the smallest misstep will lead to rejection.

The French psychoanalyst André Green called this state “the dead mother” - when the mother is physically present but psychically absent, and the child, in order to preserve connection, also becomes a little “dead” inside. They stop feeling - just to avoid feeling loss.

This mechanism is one of the most painful, and at the same time, one of the quietest: on the outside, everything may look fine, but inside there is silence - a silence where no one answers.
And the inner formula is not just written — it’s engraved:

If I make a mistake - I’ll be rejected.
If the other is angry - it means love is gone.

In adult life, this early mechanism often shows up in two opposite forms - pleasing or aggressing. Both come from the same intention: not to lose connection. But the irony is that they lead exactly there - to losing it. Trying too hard to please, we disappear in compliance. Trying to protect ourselves through aggression, we push the other away.

The paradox is that we usually don’t tell ourselves any of this consciously. Logically, we know that people make mistakes and can’t always be right. But the old postulate - “If I make a mistake, I’ll lose connection” - is written so deep inside that the fear of being wrong makes us behave arrogantly or defensively, producing the exact opposite of what we want.

Another part of this story is what Freud called the compulsion to repeat - the unconscious drive to recreate the same painful situation, hoping to repair it this time. It’s as if the psyche says: “Now I’ll make a mistake, and the contact won’t be broken — see, it’s different!” It would be wonderful if it worked that way.

But the mind also wants to prove itself right, and it resists any evidence that contradicts its old prediction. So we choose partners who will punish us with silence, or we punish ourselves, unconsciously replaying the most painful form of disconnection we once knew.

And when a miracle does happen - when someone stays, when the contact isn’t broken - we often can’t see it. We don’t believe it. We stay loyal to the old pattern, and keep reliving a story that could have already ended. The “dead mother “ inside is still alive.

21/10/2025

A Good Wife or a Good Team?

People often say that our reality depends on our beliefs. Some agree, some roll their eyes. But it’s true — our beliefs quietly shape how we think, act, and love.

When my husband lost his job, my decision was driven by the belief that I should be "a good wife". And what do good wives do? Right, they support, they accept, they make life comfortable. So I did exactly that.
The result? It became too comfortable for him. He stopped putting real effort into life - whether it was finding a job, being present in the family, or simply taking responsibility for himself.

And in the end, I was the one carrying everything. And the truth is, it was me who had decided and accepted this dynamic - even though, over time, I started to feel that something about it was wrong. Why I did it? Good wife does it....

Now imagine that, instead of believing that I should simply be a good wife, I believed that family is like a team. (And I actually do believe that now.)
When you live alone, you can do whatever you want. You can drink, lie on the sofa all day, play computer games all day long, ignore your health, or quit every job - it’s your life, your choice, and no one else depends on it.

But when you have a partner, especially when you have kids, everything changes. You’re part of a team. And being in a team means that what happens to one player affects everyone else. If one stops moving, the whole team starts losing balance.

Sometimes, of course, a teammate gets injured - they go through a hard time, they need help, and you stay by their side. That’s what partnership is about. But it’s different when someone simply stops trying, when they use your support as a comfortable excuse to stay where they are.

Imagine a sports team - any team you like. The ball is flying, and one player just stands still. They might say, “It’s not going to work anyway.” Or they’re too tired, too distracted, too checked out to even lift a hand. No matter how much you care about them, no team can keep playing like that for long. At some point, you either get back in the game - or you step aside and let someone else play.

That’s what I eventually realized. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean carrying someone who’s not moving. It means both people choosing to show up, again and again, for the team they’ve built together.

And if one doesn’t want to be part of the team, doesn’t want to make an effort - then maybe partnership just isn’t for that person.
There’s no need to force them or pretend that you have a good family. After all, being a good wife doesn’t necessarily make a good family.

And yes - our beliefs really do shape our reality.

I choose a good team now. And you?

04/09/2025

When we’re in a relationship, it often feels like home should be the place where we finally rest. We’ve worked all day, we’re tired, and we come back expecting to be filled.

But the person on the other side has also had a long day. They’re tired too. They also hope to be filled.

And then two empty cups meet — both hoping to be filled, but neither having much to give. How can I fill you if I’m empty myself?

Maybe we need a different way of looking at it.
Coming home isn’t work, but it isn’t “non-work” either.
If we want love, we need to treat it like a garden.

We come home carrying the weight of daily routines, careers, and achievements. It’s not about dropping into a chair to switch off — it’s about stepping into our garden.

And this garden is special. It will only give back to us if we care for it: if we water it, pull out the weeds, give it just enough sun and shade. And the beautiful part is — many people do this not out of duty, but with pleasure. Then it becomes the place that restores us.

That’s how relationships work too.

12/08/2025

Trauma: Myths and Misconceptions. Part 2.
Myths from the Other Side: Dramatization and Overgeneralization

Not all emotional pain is trauma - disappointment, frustration, sadness — these are painful but often "normal" experiences. Negative emotions are part of life. Children cry — it doesn’t always mean trauma. Crying is one of the body’s ways to cope with stress.
Trauma happens only when the psyche is overwhelmed and can’t process what’s happening.

When we call everything “trauma” or “retraumatization,” we blur the meaning and devalue the real experience of those who truly suffered. Let's see the myths from the other side.

5️⃣ Myth #5: Any emotional pain is trauma.

Not all emotional pain is trauma - disappointment, frustration, sadness — these are painful but often "normal" experiences. Negative emotions are part of life. Children cry — it doesn’t always mean trauma. Crying is one of the body’s ways to cope with stress.

Trauma forms only when the psyche is overwhelmed and cannot cope - not every unpleasant experience leaves a traumatic imprint.

6️⃣ Myth #6: Trauma makes you stronger.

You know this probably - everything that doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It presents trauma like something useful, making us grow, with post-traumatic growth as a guaranteed outcome.

Unfortunately it's not how it works either. Trauma doesn't lead to growth itself. Growth happens despite the trauma, not because of it. Growth require efforts, support, internal strength and, very often, help from others. It's not a build-in bonus, sometimes it remain just a pain and harm.
The traumatic even is never just one thing - it's a complex equitation with many variables: what happened, when happened, to who, in which state, for how long, was there help available, what followed etc.

Next time I will speak about emotional and mental health, the difference and how the reflect the trauma.

05/08/2025

Trauma: Myths and Misconceptions. Part 1

These days, everyone’s talking about trauma. And like with anything that gets too popular, its meaning can start to blur.
But when a psychological concept gets used that much, it often gets stretched, misused, or misunderstood. It usually creates two opposite reactions. Both are understandable. And both are harmful.

✅ The first reaction is minimization and denial.
“Oh come on, now everyone has trauma? We all got yelled at as kids and we’re just fine. People today are too sensitive. No need to overreact.”

✅ The second extreme is to see trauma everywhere.
If someone looked at you the wrong way, disagreed with you, or simply didn’t act the way you wanted — it becomes, “They traumatized me.”

Both of these reactions might seem reasonable in their own way but they share one thing in common: they distort what trauma really is - and prevent us from working with it in a helpful way.

Let’s take a closer look at the myths behind these extremes.

1️⃣ Myth #1: If someone is doing okay, there was no trauma.

It’s easy to think that if someone has a job, a family, and seems fine on the outside - these talks of the trauma is not about them, they are all fine. But trauma doesn’t necessarily look dramatic or disruptive from the outside. Many people learn to live with it, to adapt in order still to preform, to achieve. But under the surface, they may carry chronic tension, a sense of defectiveness or unsafety or a feeling of never being loved.

Survival isn’t the same as healing.

It can quietly shape how a person see the reality, how he/she reacts and how feels - without being obvious to anyone else.

2️⃣ Myth #2: If it doesn’t hurt, it wasn’t trauma.

Many people assume: if I can talk about something calmly, if I don’t feel pain when I remember it — then it must be healed. But that’s not always the case.

One of the most common effects of trauma is emotional shutdown. The psyche protects itself by disconnecting from the pain - and that disconnection can feel like calmness. In reality, this “calm” may be numbness. The emotions are still there, but buried deep. And keeping that emotional freeze in place often takes enormous inner energy. And sometimes no feeling any pain or emotion in the situation where you obviously should feel might be on the opposite, the clear sign of the trauma, which we usually skip from knowledge.

3️⃣Myth #3: Trauma is only about something objectively horrible.

We often associate trauma with war, violence, abuse, or disasters — something clearly life-threatening or horrifying. And yes, those are obviously traumatic but trauma isn’t limited to those cases.

Trauma isn’t defined by how objectively “bad” the event was — it’s defined by how the person experienced it. If someone felt helpless, alone, and unable to protect their physical or emotional integrity, that can be traumatic — even if the situation doesn’t look extreme from the outside. A child growing up in an emotionally cold or rejecting environment may not be in physical danger. But if they had no way to feel safe, understood, or comforted — their inner world could still be deeply wounded.

4️⃣ Myth #4: Since everyone has trauma, it’s nothing to talk about.

Sometimes people say: “Well, everyone’s been through something. We all had difficult childhoods. It’s just life.”“
But just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s harmless.
If most people live with chronic pain, that doesn’t mean we stop treating it.
If many people feel anxiety or burnout, that doesn’t mean it’s not a problem.

Maybe it’s easier to carry pain when we convince ourselves it’s normal.

Trauma still affects how we feel, how we connect, how we live — even if we’ve learned to carry it quietly. Brushing it off as “normal” may help us survive, but it doesn’t help us heal.

Let's continue next week with the other side of of misunderstanding, stay with me and hashtag , see you next Tuesday

29/07/2025

Four Principles of Traumatic Experience

— Post 3

No matter what kind of trauma we’re dealing with — PTSD, childhood trauma, long-term stress, or a family crisis that someone experiences as traumatic — these four principles remain the same:

🔹 1. Trauma leaves a deep imprint on the psyche.

It affects a person’s thinking patterns, emotional responses, and behavior, forming a new internal worldview.

🔹 2. Trauma forms only when a person is unable to protect themselves from events that feel threatening to their life or psychological integrity.

If a person manages to shield themselves — emotionally or physically — the same event may be experienced simply as stress, not trauma.

🔹 3. If a person has enough internal and external resources, psychological trauma does not destroy their positive view of themselves or the world.

Resources might include emotional stability, a support system, previous coping skills — anything that helps process the experience.

🔹 4. Trauma is a real and active issue for the psyche — even if the event happened years ago.

For example, the trauma may have occurred when the person was three years old, and now they’re thirty-five — yet it still affects their reality. It continues to influence their present: their emotions, relationships, reactions, and self-image — like a program quietly running in the background.

These four principles are key to understanding how trauma actually works — not just in theory, but in everyday life.

Stay with me — or follow the hashtag if this speaks to you.

20/07/2025

I read a story the other day that perfectly captures one of the common mistakes women make in relationships.

A woman starts dating a guy. Everything’s going well - until he starts gently floating the idea that he’s actually polyamorous.
That he needs flirt and s*x with others to feel alive.
“But don’t worry, I’m not leaving you. I just feel I haven’t had enough fun yet.”

She feels confused and asks herself:
“Is this just a stage he needs to go through? Will he stop wanting it after a while? Or is something deeper going on with him?”
And that question got me thinking.

How often do women dive headfirst into trying to understand what HE wants - instead of stopping to ask "What do I want?"

Women start worrying about his problems:
How to help him get over his ex.
How to support him in a crisis.
How to help him figure himself out.

It’s not surprising as many girls are raised to put men first. Not even consciously - but on some quiet, internal level, many women believe it’s their job to adjust. That his desires matter a little more than their own.

So what happens? He sets the direction - she follows.

Another example: a man says, “I want more variety. How about a threesome?” And what’s the typical reaction?
She starts thinking:
– What did I do wrong?
– Am I not enough?
– Maybe I should try it?
– What if I end up liking it?

But the real question is simple: Do I want this?
Does it work for me? Does it fit my idea of life and relationships?
Every suggestion from a partner should pass through that filter first.

Because your responsibility is not to figure him out. It’s to stay honest about yourself - your feelings, your desires, your boundaries.

That’s the foundation of any healthy relationship.

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