13/10/2020
Fawning in our day to day lives
The Fawning state - in which we unconsciously imitate a state of safety (when really we have a combination of sympathetic activation and dorsal vagal immobilisation) - can be a one that we spend a lot of time in, or one that we just “visit” in reaction to a stressful situation.
In parenting, Fawning can help us in a situation with our kids (or partner) in which we are feeling highly stressed, angry or afraid, but just need to “get through” it. Fighting wouldn't work to bring us greater "safety", and we can’t safely flee because we need to take care of our kids.
So we automatically put on a smile, and say kind things. We’re unconsciously pretending to feel calm and in control, but really we are right on the edge of that high sympathetic activation. So our smile doesn’t look quite natural (the expressiveness in our upper face and eyes is missing).
Our speech will be slower, quieter, and less harsh and clipped than if we were in a pure sympathetic state (Fight/Flight), but it probably won't have the gentle rhythmic intonation (prosody) of a true calm and connected ventral vagal state (or it might have too much!).
Because of their highly tuned neuroception*, kids can often tell the difference between us Fawning and being in a truly safe calm and connected state. Older kids might even call us out on it, expressing their discomfort, and saying things like, “Don’t use that “nice” voice!”.
When we’re Fawning, we might find ourselves agreeing to anything our child asks for, even though it is not in line with our values, and we don’t have a true “yes”. We’ll do anything, maybe even offer our child a bribe or “sweetener”, to help get through the stressful situation.
Or we might try to set limits with our kids, but they’ll come out shaky and tentative, rather than grounded and confident. Our child might not get a sense that we’re serious, and “push back” in an attempt to get something more solid (congruent) from us, where our words match our state.
If we‘ve been in Fight, and had an argument with our child (or partner), then Fawning might look like going to reconnect and apologise before we are really feeling calm and connected again. We unconsciously pretend that, "I’m fine, we’re fine, everything's fine".
If we’re in Fawn a lot of the time, it might look like us acting overly “nice”, at our own expense. We’ll have difficulty sensing and honouring our own boundaries (saying “no”). We’ll prioritise what we think others are wanting, instead of identifying what we want and asking for it.
*Neuroception is the unconscious perception of threat, and in relationship we pick up subtle and not so subtle cues about safety and danger (i.e. whether the other person is in a calm and connected state or not) from tone of voice, facial expression, posture and body language.
(Post 2 of a 6 part series on Fawning.)
