Lawrence Kalogreades - Psychology and Psychotherapy in Cyprus

29/05/2024

Hi everyone! I'm breaking my long radio-silence to share a podcast with you.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5y6h8nFJpRzmEYDTUDTbUs?si=ZjSZjSFoSOCHsevzeY93zg

I was recently invited by Dezzy Charalambous to her Midweek Insights show, and I really enjoyed it. We covered a lot of ground, from psychotherapy, to my aversion to self-help literature, to social media, to why I jokingly refer to myself as a "de-motivational speaker".

Dezzy asked me many great questions, and I hope that you will find my contributions to the show to be useful and interesting.

You can find the whole episode and links to her podcast at www.midweekinsights.com.

All the best!

Midweek Insights · Episode

04/03/2022

Επειδή ο κόσμος είναι όντως επικίνδυνος και η ύπαρξη μας τόσο εύθραυστη, ο εγκέφαλος μας δημιουργεί ένα σωρό άμυνες ώστε να μπορούμε να αντέξουμε τις σκληρές πραγματικότητες της ζωής. Είμαστε αρκετά έξυπνοι ώστε να αντιλαμβανόμαστε την τραγική μας θέση και ο μόνος τρόπος να συνεχίσουμε τον αγώνα είναι να βρούμε τρόπους ώστε να αγνοούμε ή να αποφεύγουμε τις τρομακτικές αυτές σκέψεις από το να μπουν στο επίκεντρο του νου μας. Είμαστε κατά κάποιο τρόπο τόσο έξυπνοι που να γίνεται αναγκαίο να μας ξεγελάσει ο ίδιος μας ο εγκέφαλος.

Ένας τρόπος με τον οποίο γίνεται αυτό ονομάζεται εκλογίκευση, δηλαδή η αποσυναρμολόγηση ενός προβλήματος με την χρήση επιχειρημάτων ώστε να μπορέσουμε να αποφύγουμε την οποιαδήποτε συναισθηματική ένταση. Με άλλα λόγια, αφοπλίζουμε τον φόβο μας μέσω της λογικής.

Και να που αυτές τις μέρες όλοι συζητούν την εισβολή στην Ουκρανία, ποζάροντας ως αυθεντίες στα πάντα και κάνοντας σκληρή πολιτική “του καφενέ”, δίνοντας αναλύσεις για την κάθε κίνηση ή ακόμη και κάποια υποστήριξη για τον πόλεμο βασισμένη σε κάποια ιστορική σύγκρουση ή διαφωνία.

Ίσως αυτό να γίνεται είναι επειδή βαθιά μέσα μας υπάρχει ένας τεράστιος φόβος που προσπαθούμε όλοι συλλογικά να διαχειριστούμε μέσα από μια ευκολοχώνευτη, λογική και οριοθετημένη ιστορία. Καταλαβαίνω, έτσι γίνεται πιο διαχειρίσιμη η ζωή.

Αλλά είναι με το να είμαστε κυνικοί, τρομαγμένοι, και πάνω από όλα απρόθυμοι να ονειρευτούμε ένα κόσμο όπου τέτοια πράγματα ΔΕΝ συμβαίνουν, που στο τέλος ο πόλεμος επιτρέπεται να γίνει πραγματικότητα. Είμαστε, κατά κάποιο τρόπο, όλοι συνυπεύθυνοι για το τι συμβαίνει.

Γιατί κάπου αυτή τη στιγμή ένας στρατιώτης βρίσκεται σε ξένη γη και τον διατάζουν να οδηγήσει ένα άρμα μάχης μέσα από μια αθώα πόλη, και αυτός ακολουθεί τις οδηγίες με απάθεια. Κάπου αλλού κάποιος διαβάζει τα νέα σε μια ωραία καφετέρια σαν πίνει τον καφέ του και απλά συνεχίζει την μέρα του σαν να μη συμβαίνει τίποτα.

Καταλαβαίνω πλήρως ότι και τα δύο αυτά άτομα φοβούνται και προτιμούν να κρατήσουν μια συναισθηματική απόσταση από την κατάσταση. Αλλά το κουτί της Πανδώρας έχει ανοιχτεί και κανένας δεν ξέρει τι θα βγει από μέσα και λυπάμαι που δεν είμαστε όλοι έξω φρενών και απογοητευμένοι που έχουν φτάσει τα πράγματα σε αυτό το σημείο. Λυπάμαι που υπάρχει κόσμος που επιλέγει να μη κάνει τίποτα ενώ θα μπορούσαν να σταματήσουν αυτό τον πόλεμο. Και πάνω από όλα λυπάμαι που υπάρχει κόσμος που ενώ παρακολουθεί, δεν νιώθει τίποτα, και απλά προσφέρει μια κυνική και απλουστευμένη εξήγηση της κατάστασης με επίπεδο “καφενείου”.

Αλλά όσο και να τα εξηγήσουμε, δεν μπορούμε να κρυφτούμε από ένα βρέφος που πεθαίνει. Ούτε μπορούμε να κρυφτούμε από εκατομμύρια πρόσφυγες. Ούτε μπορούμε να κρυφτούμε από χιλιάδες νεαρούς νεκρούς.

Και εάν μπορεί κανείς όντως να κρυφτεί πίσω από επεξηγήσεις… τότε ντροπή του. Πραγματικά, ντροπή του.

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Παρακαλώ όπως βοηθήσετε με κάποια δωρεά τον Ουκρανικό Ερυθρό Σταυρό: https://redcross.org.ua/en/

01/03/2022

We are, ultimately, very frightened creatures. Shaped and moulded by the powers of natural selection, we have evolved in such a way so that we can navigate through the natural and human social landscape and survive. With this in mind, it’s clear that even our so-called ‘toxic’ emotions have a role to play in helping us survive in this constantly shifting yet always hostile world over countless generations.

But exactly because this is a hostile world and our existence as a species is so fragile, our own brain has created defence mechanisms that allow us to cope with the reality of our situation. We are intelligent enough to understand the tragic position that we are in, and in order to keep us going we need ways to ignore or block that thought from taking the centre stage in our minds. We are in a sense so smart that our own brain needs to out-smart us.

One of the ways that we do this, and perhaps one of the most prevalent, is called intellectualization: we try to rationally take apart a problem so that we can avoid how emotionally devastating it actually is. Essentially, we try to deal with things that scare us to death by explaining them away.

And boy oh boy… is there a lot of that going on these days. Everybody is discussing the war in Ukraine and inevitably things lead to arm-chair politics, with over-simplified descriptions of the situation and perhaps even someone trying to justify the invasion by appealing to the past and some historical conflict or dilemma.

If you are doing this, it’s because you are actually, deep down, absolutely terrified, and you are trying to come to terms with it by creating a story that will make it possible for you to swallow what is happening without running for the hills. I get it.

But it is by being cynical, scared, and ultimately unwilling to even dream of a world where these things do not and SHOULD NOT happen, that war can become a reality.

Because somewhere right now, there is a soldier on foreign soil who is being ordered to drive his tank right through somebody’s home-town, and that soldier emotionlessly follows through with the order. And somewhere else there is someone in a nice cafe who is reading the news, frowns, sips his coffee, and goes on with his day as if it’s business as usual.

I understand that both of these people are afraid and trying to keep an emotional distance from what is happening. But Pandora’s Box has been opened, and nobody knows what will come crawling out of it, and I feel sorry for everyone who is not furiously angry and disappointed about this. And I feel sorry for everyone who chooses to do nothing while in a position to stop this from happening. And I feel sorry for everyone who looks on, feels nothing, and instead offers cynical coffee-shop level explanations.

But you can’t explain away a dying baby. You can’t explain away millions of refugees. You can’t explain away thousands of dead young men.

And if you can… well, shame on you. Truly shame on you.

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Please consider donating whatever you can to the Ukrainian Red Cross Society at https://redcross.org.ua/en/

25/02/2022

Hi everyone,

The world has taken another tragic and disappointing turn this week and nobody knows how this will play out.

In the meantime there are services, charities and clinics in Ukraine that still need to find a way to get supplies and do their ceaseless daily work.

One such charity is Republic Pilgrim, a rehabilitation clinic for homeless children who have been abandoned by their parents who are addicts, and may even be addicts themselves.

Saving the lives of these kids and promoting their well being will become even harder due to the war and its after effects.

You can read about Republic Pilgrim and their work at https://republicpilgrim.org/en/, or alternatively watch the soul wrenching documentary "Almost Holy".

You can make direct donations via their website. Every little bit helps.

16/02/2022

There is a considerable number of us who, when over-burdened by the obligations that we have taken on and truly on the brink of a mental breakdown, resort to adding into the mix what the current zeitgeist suggests to be the key to a good life: yoga, meditation, detoxing, working out, cutting carbs, aromatherapy, psychotherapy, and who knows what else.

Sometimes, this approach works. But most of the time, it’s a complete disaster.

It would be ridiculous to expect that eating 250 grams of flour and some yeast followed by a drinking some water would somehow result in a pizza. Likewise, it would be absurd to expect that by adding a bunch of “wellness” to our already overflowing program, we will suddenly have a wonderful life that is no longer exhausting, frustrating, or disappointing. If anything, adding more weight onto your shoulders will simply speed up the rate at which everything comes crashing down.

Feeling “full” is not something that can be faked. We can’t cheat our way there.

It doesn’t matter if you surround yourself with all the pleasures, joys, and self-care in the world, it is still quite possible that you will not feel “full”. The only way to truly feel and truly believe that your life is fulfilling, is to engage in a life that has a meaningful purpose. Otherwise you get that nagging voice inside you saying “Well what’s the point of all this anyway?”

And you know what? It’s probably correct. Because if you are asking the question, it means that you don’t have an answer as to WHY you are still on this Earth and still trying and still pushing forward.

Self development and moving forward mean nothing if you aren’t moving in a direction that you truly care about. Otherwise all that time, all that effort, all those sacrifices fall flat on their face because our own sense of meaning is defined largely by the responsibilities that we have chosen to take on. Ultimately, without any real purpose behind your actions, real engagement, REALLY caring about what is happening because it matters to YOU on a deep and fundamental level, you end up feeling that you are just doing things rather than really living…
..and that gets old very quickly.
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FREE eBook available at www.kalogreades.net.
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Lawrence Kalogreades, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
Tel: 99338248
Limassol, Cyprus.

18/01/2022

I somehow found myself the other night watching bits and pieces of HBO’s show “Scenes from a Marriage”. Although not my cup of tea at all (give me season 1 of True Detective any night), it managed to keep me engaged long enough to start thinking about the motivations of the man and woman who are at the center of the story.

At one point (SPOILER ALERT!), seemingly dissatisfied with her new life and her new boyfriend, Mira decides to approach her (almost) ex-husband Jonathan once again, and tries to get him to engage with her again sexually and emotionally. As expected, things get messy and take multiple bad turns in the span of one evening, leading to a moment of clarity where both sides silently sign their divorce papers and take their separate paths.

I felt that the show was trying to say something here. Many if not most of us have found ourselves at one point or another in a messy relationship that was obviously going nowhere. But what if… what if that was exactly the point? What if THAT was exactly the purpose of that entire relationship, that it should assist in us continuing business as usual?

In the show’s idealized example, ambitious and attractive Mira separates from her husband and pursues a life that she perceived would be more interesting and fulfilling, yet the moment she arrives at her desired destination, she realizes that something is off. Something is painfully, desperately wrong. She is torn. Is this what she wanted? Is this what she was told she wanted? Is this what she was SUPPOSED to want, according to what everyone and everything around her was saying?

She followed all the directions, ticked all the boxes, and even found a man who was genuinely interested in her and her future, and yet she did not end up feeling any happier or fulfilled by the end of it. And what does she do? She goes back to what she knows.

My take is that she ditched her new boyfriend, who was the “right kind of guy”, not because she had any problems with him, but because Mira had problems with herself and within herself that her new life was not able to hide any more.

So in order to hide away from the truth about herself and her real opinion of herself, she goes back to her safe space: her already toxic marriage that is falling apart.

Lo and behold, their marriage continues, under other, darker yet in some ways more truthful terms, even after their divorce. The show is after all called “Scenes from a Marriage”, not “Scenes from a Divorce or Separation”. The relationship essentially never ended, it just changed shape so that things can continue the same way they always did, while making space for some new demands and concerns on each other’s sides, regardless of what the consequences may be for everyone around them.

So you are probably wondering why on earth I am talking about this.

I am painting this view of what played out in the show, simply because it needs to be highlighted and underlined:

If we find ourselves in the middle of a toxic relationship, it is important to take a moment to step back and ask very honestly “What am I getting out of this?”.

And do not trick yourself into talking exclusively about the positives and that all you could possibly hope for is that the negative parts of the relationship change to something better.

This is simply not true.

Let’s admit it: you stayed in that relationship even after seeing the 532 red flags because of both the good parts AND the bad parts.

Let me say that again. The BAD aspects were also part of why you stayed, perhaps because they gave you permission to play a certain role, such as the saviour or the struggling tragic martyr, that you are clearly a good person because THEY are the bad person, or whatever it is that the story may be. Thus, the outcome is that nothing ever really changes, which is perhaps the true and desired goal motivating all that painful effort.

And THAT is the real problem. That deep down, we all want to feel safe and in control, because we are all scared, we are all unsure of ourselves and the future, and we all deep down feel so so lonely, small, and helpless. So sometimes it seems as if “better the devil you know” is a perfectly valid policy, and perhaps it is, until it isn’t (that moment probably passed a long time ago).

But no relationship, new career, new hobby or meditation practice can heal the parts of us that hurt. The only thing that can patch that up (partially, maybe) is taking a good hard look at ourselves and being honest about it, no matter what we find.

Because everything else that we do is just a deliberate distraction from seeing who and what we really are: just another human being trying to make the best out of a difficult situation.

And when we do that, maybe, just maybe we will be able to start being kinder to ourselves.
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FREE eBook available at www.kalogreades.net.
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Lawrence Kalogreades, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
Tel: 99338248
Limassol, Cyprus.

23/11/2021

A certain degree of distance between the therapist and the client is always necessary. The clean slate between the two is, after all, one of the greatest tools available to both the therapist and the client. With it they can choose to construct the kind of relationship that is necessary for therapy to work: one with clear boundaries and clear expectations from both sides.

This sort of clarity is absolutely vital, since therapy is by definition a very intimate process. It is quite possible that the therapist’s office is the only place in the world where certain thoughts, concerns, and desires will ever be expressed. In a sense, the therapeutic relationship, at least how I understand it and practice it, promotes a sense of radical openness and transparency that is rare or even non-existent in the other spheres of our lives.

Because of this, the whole endeavour can be remarkably fragile. If not treated with respect and care, like the precious thing that it is, it may all come tumbling down.

That said, the effectiveness of therapy and the camaraderie that the journey builds may lead either side to confuse the resulting relationship as being a friendship or even a familial relationship.

This is a huge trap – therapy becomes useless or even dangerous if the therapist and the client come too close. Therefore a certain framework is necessary in order to promote setting healthy boundaries.

For example, there is a fee involved. It cannot be stressed how important this is: therapy is WORK, for everyone involved. It is a professional relationship, albeit a very unique and special one. The formality of paying a fee and getting a receipt in return may seem redundant, unnecessary or perhaps even profane, but it is all part of a gesture that allows BOTH sides of the relationship to make the following statement to each other very clearly:

“What we are doing is important.
Take it seriously.
Pay attention because this is powerful and can be life changing.”

This requires responsibility, punctuality, and respect from both the therapist and the client.
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FREE eBook available at www.kalogreades.net.
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Lawrence Kalogreades, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
Tel: 99338248
Limassol, CY

19/11/2021

Happiness is, in a sense, like the tale of Sisyphus. The moment you reach your goal, you are doomed to starting from zero all over again. So what’s the alternative?

Perhaps we can find a more satisfying or at the very least functional long-term goal in aiming for something that will make our lives MEANINGFUL. Something that will instil our lives with purpose and value. Something that will make each day, as normal, boring, horrific or disappointing as it may be, at the very least useful.

Think about people who sacrificed their lives for the sake of their fellow men and women, or people like Mother Theresa, Gandhi, or Mandela. It would be foolish to suggest that they endured what they endured because “it made them happy”. Being volunteer doctors in an emergency room or UN aid workers in a war-zone would not make us “happy”.

But what such paths do offer, is a sense that we are actively contributing to something that is meaningful and important to us, something that would make us feel proud of ourselves and what we are putting out there into the world. To put it more dramatically, it means to follow the path that we know we need to follow in order to not feel ashamed of who we are because we didn’t follow through on the choices that we know we should have made.

Perhaps this sounds a bit too dramatic, and perhaps it gives the impression that we all need a state of emergency or a war in order for our lives to have meaning. No, far from it.

Meaning is found not only in grandiose acts but also in the thousands of daily choices that we engage in, which, one way or another, contribute to the world around us as well as the world inside us being the way that it is. It’s about doing what you need to do in order to sleep soundly when you head to bed, fully knowing that you followed through on your own deepest and most profound expectations of yourself.

So make the choices that you know that you have to make in order to be proud of your life. It’s the only thing that matters.
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FREE eBook available at www.kalogreades.net.
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Lawrence Kalogreades, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
Tel: 99338248
Limassol, Cyprus.

16/11/2021

It comes as no surprise that few of us, perhaps none of us, have the tools to cope when things go wrong, which is when we usually start to scour the internet for information about what we are going through. A simple search for “how to deal with a panic attack” brings up a staggering 171,000,000 results in less than a second.

I am willing to wager that if we could somehow sift through each of those results, we would find a lot of misleading, perhaps useless, and perhaps even harmful information. After all, click-bait articles thrive on topics that have to do with mental health, since their creators know that we can never get enough information to put ourselves at ease and call it a night.

So we search for explanations or diagnostic criteria and read through it meticulously, and perhaps even venture out to find a professional that can do that for us.

But here’s the trap: the diagnosis is missing the forest for the trees. It’s like a 16 bit image of a 4K original. It’s like trying to sum up a 500 page book with one sentence. To put it more precisely, it provides too simple a picture of what we are really talking about: LIFE, and how we try to cope with all the challenges it brings us.

And that’s a very specific and yet very subjective situation to be in.

As a consequence, any so-called expert’s explanation for what is going on in your life, is probably taking a lot of liberties and filling in a lot of gaps with their own biases and hypotheses.

Therefore it’s best to approach life, ourselves, every person, and every session, as exactly what they are: uncharted territory.

Although the uncertainty of such an approach to things may seem challenging, everything starts to fall into place when we embrace the fact that it gives us the freedom to discover, as if for the first time ever, what we have in fact been busy doing for all these years.

And that is a much bigger and deeper discussion than any diagnosis can possibly fit.
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FREE eBook available at www.kalogreades.net.
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Lawrence Kalogreades, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
Tel: 99338248
Limassol, Cyprus.

22/10/2021

When faced with a world such as ours, one that seems to be spinning out of control by the minute, it’s tempting to think that we can somehow exercise some level of control over things and hope for some guarantee that “everything will turn out OK”.

However any such effort will fall flat on its face because sooner or later it will become apparent that we can’t control anything at all, or at best, very little – namely, ourselves.

Therefore it comes as no surprise that when people call me and explain that they want to intervene and push someone towards therapy, that I try to explain to them that this is an effort that will, like a bomb, blow up in their own face.

What I mean by that is that in order for psychotherapy to be in any way productive and beneficial, it must be built on a framework where freedom of choice is elevated as the highest ideal. If we do not nurture this thought properly, then the whole effort will fall flat on its face, because the only person who can bring about real, deep, and meaningful change in your life, is YOU.

No therapist can give you that, no matter how much they may want to.

All they can do is provide a framework that is conducive for exploring oneself, one’s fears, one’s best hopes for the future, without holding anything back. Because when we know ourselves better, we can also make choices that are more congruent with who we really are.

And since our choices are pretty much the only thing the entire universe that we control, it stands to reason that this effort may potentially be extremely effective… but only if we (surprise, surprise) freely choose to do so.

So don’t try and save your loved ones. You can’t. At best, you can provide them with support, comfort, and understanding. But you certainly can’t save them, so stop pushing them towards therapy or towards whatever you believe will be best for them.

The only thing you will achieve is to alienate them from you even further.

So similarly… relieve yourself of the self-imposed responsibility to save other people, because it’s not only impossible, it’s also harmful to everyone involved.

However, you can save yourself, and that can, on the flip-side, be beneficial for you and everyone around you.
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FREE eBook available at www.kalogreades.net.
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Lawrence Kalogreades, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
Tel: 99338248
Limassol, Cyprus.

05/10/2021

Many people consider engaging in psychotherapy because they no longer want to feel the grief of losing a loved one, the pain of a divorce, the anxieties of great expectations, or the sadness of having being cheated out of one's own childhood innocence.

I am sorry to say this, but I must: None of the above are possible, at least not entirely anyway. Embracing this fact may may save you alot of time, money, and disappointment.

While psychotherapy can certainly lighten the load on your back, its goal is not to block or remove your difficult memories, thoughts and emotions. The goal is to find the confidence in yourself to recognize that you have the ability to CHOOSE how to react towards the sources of pain in your life, despite the crippling emotions that you may be experiencing.

A clear example of this can be seen in people who are coping with recovery from serious drug addiction.

Their goal going forward is not to get rid of their cravings. Anyone who has been in that situation or has seen it will point out that this is practically impossible. The desire to begin using again is something that lingers with them for the rest of their lives.

Instead, the only possible goal that makes any sense is to find the way to make a commitment to oneself that there is enough meaning in living life differently to merit sticking to behaviors that are healthy for us, despite the pain, despite the cravings, and despite the temptations.

As a great man once said, "the highest form of theory, is action". We might not be able to remove our difficult emotions, but we can take responsibility for our commitments and choose to ACT in ways that bring about truly fulfilling positive long-term outcomes. Perhaps in the end, after many hard battles and many victories, we may find that by honoring our commitment to ourselves, despite the temptation to give up, may lead us to a place where our current difficult emotions are not so central anymore. In fact, they may become just a shadow on a distant wall or a scar from an old wound that we no longer even pay any attention to.
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FREE eBook at www.kalogreades.net.
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Lawrence Kalogreades, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
Tel: 99338248
Limassol,CY

14/08/2021

I very frequently receive requests such as “I want the bad thoughts to go away” and “I want to stop feeling so bad”, and then questions about techniques, methods, and perhaps even medications which can provide the desired solution.

I truly wish there was a simple answer, but if I were to hazard to boil everything down to a yes or a no, I would lean heavily towards the side of “No, there is no such method, technique, or medication”.

We cannot cheat ourselves into forgetting about what is troubling us.

But what we can do instead, is to take the path towards facing what is troubling us head on instead of searching for a way to put the bad memories, thoughts and emotions into a box and burying them in a deep dark hole, never to be seen again. We all know that this is just a temporary solution, a diversion, and at best, a convenient distraction from the truth.

Psychotherapy does not aim to provide a soothing balsam for the pain. It may do so in the process, but the goal is anything but that.

The real goal is to find the Truth. With a capital T. YOUR Truth. It aims to provide a time and place to explore what is really actually troubling you, not just what is going on on the surface.

The drug abuse, the constant anger, the depression, the panic attacks… all that is on the surface. It’s not even the Problem (yes, with a capital P!). These admittedly troubling patterns are the result of months, years, perhaps even decades of trying to come to terms with the Truth. The exhaustion, worry, and dismay that we see in ourselves daily is the cost of avoiding the ordeal of reconciling ourselves with the Truth that we are hiding from everyone, including ourselves.

This is the real Problem, and that’s exactly what we can tackle together when we engage in psychotherapy.
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FREE eBook available at www.kalogreades.net.
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Lawrence Kalogreades, Psychologist/Psychotherapist
Tel: 99338248
Limassol, Cyprus.