14/02/2024
How To Support Your ND Child's Social Skills Without Pushing Them To Mask....
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I want you to imagine that your little family has been transplanted to another country/culture.
A culture FAR different from your own.
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You/your kids, are living amongst people who wear fewer clothes than your family does.
It's a bit shocking, at first, but
they are such nice people.
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The people eat things which activate your taboos, like grasshoppers and "inhabited" cheese.
But those kinds of food make
sense, to them, and you don't
Yuck someone else's Yum.
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The people in your village see the world differently than you do, and it impacts how they describe things.
But over time, your ears adjust
and you are able to
understand them, better.
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You want your children to share your OWN family values and perspectives,
but you also want them to have friends in the village, to feel welcome, and to belong.
After all, you are going to be living here for the next 10 years.
There has to be a middle ground.
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Instead of pushing your kids to behave and dress and eat a certain way,
You choose to just model your
ways for them,
And also to let OTHER folks
model DIFFERENT ways.
It takes all kinds to make a world!
Your child is probably going to accept some pieces of BOTH cultures. One is not inherently better than another.
Your goal is to help your kid UNDERSTAND people,
so you just narrate and explain
people's actions, whenever
possible.
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You say--
1) "Many people here, do not wear shoes. Their feet are calloused and strong.
I have worn shoes from an early age, and my feet have adapted to need arch support, so walking long distances without shoes is uncomfortable for me.
Also, I like how shoes protect me from rocks and snakes."
2) "Jiji is nurses her own baby and sometimes her sister's son, so Jiji doesn't cover her chest.
Frequently having to undress to feed babies, would add to her work load.
I sunburn easily and don't have babies to nurse, any more. Wearing a shirt also keeps my backpack straps from rubbing my shoulders."
3) "Emil believes that eating the eyes of a large trout brings luck. He is giving the fish eyes to his son, to share that luck.
If his son refused to eat the eyes, it would hurt Emil's feelings. This is not just about sharing food but about sharing and ACCEPTING love."
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And you know that you MAY end up with a child who sees shoes as optional,
sees bras as unnecessary,
and who eats fish eyes....
OR may get
a child who likes shoes,
always wears a shirt AND
sunscreen,
and who communicates their
food preferences VERY
clearly to avoid uncomfortable social expectations.
But most likely, your kid is going to be a blend of both, borrowing some things from each culture, when it makes sense to do so.
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Well, having an ND child is kind of like that....
Except your child is like a foreign exchange student--
the sole representative of their own, unique culture, plopped into an environment that seems strange to them.
You want your ND child to have friends and belong,
but they WON'T,
if all you do is shut them down,
tell them that their culture is
inferior,
their logic flawed,
and their manners embarrassing.
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Instead of barking orders at them,
you simply need to explain
the WHY and HOW of things
(Such as, "In restaurants, we are expected to keep our shoes on.
Health code law, says that shoes must be worn in areas where food is being served to the public. If shoes were removed under the table, it might make others anxious that you might break that law, but they would probably not comment as long as you remained seated.
If you stood up without shoes, you would be asked to put them back on, or might be told to leave.")
You need to recognize that they MIGHT follow your lead,
They might accept your
explanation as logical,
but they might also prefer their OWN ways of doing things, because it better suits their UNIQIE needs.
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Part of raising ND kids is learning to recognize that
* SOMETIMES your child can adapt to the environment,
(Peyton can keep her shoes
on at Olive Garden)
* Sometimes the ENVIRONMENT needs to be adapted to them,
(Peyton can remove her shoes
as long as she stays seated at
Olive Garden, and you can
assure the waiter she will not
walk around)
* And sometimes you need to scrap the whole plan and try something ELSE.
(Peyton wants to run around in
socks so your whole family
goes to a McDonalds with a kid
playland, instead)
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You really need to internalize the fact that many cultural norms and folk ways will NEVER MAKE SENSE to your ND child,
Or may actually cause HARM to
your ND child--
They are never going to be a perfect match to what society expects.
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EVEN if you can get them to mask "perfectly," it is going to take a HEAVY toll on them.
So instead of trying to force them to pretend to be something they are not.
Learn to love them AS THEY ARE.
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Remember!!
The more secure they feel in their relationship with you, the more they WILL WANT to emulate you.
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Being a loving constant in their lives,
who non judgementally
EXPLAINS the facts to them,
WITHOUT getting too caught up in how kids choose to apply that information--
letting them draw their OWN conclusions, and TRY OUT different levels of social conformity to find their comfort zone,
Is the key to a happy, healthy, ND Kid/teen.
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And even though it can seem overwhelming, learning to face your own fears of
People staring at your family
Folks questioning your parenting
Being told your child is
wild or weird or wicked
I want you to remember something.
The kind of people who treat your family that way, don't DESERVE your acknowledgement.
They aren't worth it.
But your child--
Your child is ALWAYS worthy of your acceptance and love.
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