01/06/2025
How to Say No: Tips to increase your Assertiveness
'Sorry, but no.' A simple sentence, but oh so difficult to say. Many people are raised with the idea that you have to be nice, say yes when someone asks for something and adapt to others. While saying no can save us so much, like a lot of time. This is how you turn polite refusal into a pleasant habit. Why is saying no so hard? Why do you still manage to put a smile on your face and squeeze out a 'yes, fine' or 'okay' when you feel like you don't really have the time, energy or desire?
'In the short term, saying no creates more tension than saying yes,' according to industrial and organizational psychologists. 'You feel less guilty, the relationship with the person you are asking remains good, and the chance of conflict is small.'
Every time we say no to someone – whether it’s an invitation to a party, a request from our partner or a question at work – there’s a risk of an unpleasant reaction from the other person. Many people tend to feel guilty when they say no. Most people therefore choose the short-term benefits of saying yes. Saying no is allowed. In the long term, giving in all the time will cause you much more trouble.
You may start to feel irritable or depressed. And with a bit of bad luck, you may also come across as unreliable to others because you simply cannot please everyone and meet all the demands. You say yes, but do something halfway, or too late. Avoiding saying no can lead to psychological complaints, conflicts and disappointed relationships in the long term. The trick is to say no without feeling guilty.
Not selfish
It's a downward spiral that starts with meeting other people's needs at the expense of your own, and ends up being too tired to care for anyone else—including yourself. Saying yes to one thing automatically means saying no to something else. There is simply limited time and energy. So it is important to become aware of what you are actually saying no to when you say yes again.
If you take on too much work or have too many appointments outside the home, you are saying no to your own health or well-being, no to quality time with your partner or child, no to your sleep. Things that may actually be very important to you.
The good news is that you can make saying no a pleasant habit, something you feel entitled to do instead of something you fear. Setting boundaries is not selfish. Someone who is more balanced themselves becomes kinder, more open, more understanding and more generous to others.
How it works
Prepare your refusal
Before you start saying no, it is important to know what you want to say yes to wholeheartedly. Anyone who is not yet convinced of his no inside, comes across as unclear. That lack of clarity leads to others continuing to try you. It is easier to turn something down when you are clear about why you can't or don't want to do it, and what your priorities are.
Try to gain insight into your behavior. Ask yourself what you would like to do and experiment with that. Don't overdo your assertiveness by saying “no” to everything: consciously choose what you do or don't want. This I learn you in our therapy sessions: awareness.
Structure your life
A good exercise to learn to say no is to set rules that you know you need to stay calm, fit and happy. For example: don't go out more than two nights a week because you'll get tired and moody. Make a note of fixed times in your calendar for things that you find important and that you need; not just work tasks, but also time for family, sports, administration or walking.
That makes it immediately visible when you are or are not available. And it also makes it easier to say: then I already have something else. Even if that is an evening in the bath with your favorite music. If you are available, think about every request: do I want this, or am I doing this mainly because I think I should? Will this bring me pleasure?
Keep it short
Most people attach a whole explanation to their no. But that comes across as less firm. And in our culture it sometimes even causes annoyance because it seems defensive. We are afraid that a simple no will come across as rude, so we beat around the bush. But it is more effective not to waste too many words on it.
No at work
With requests from peers – friends, family, colleagues – it is a bit different than with requests from your employer, Abrahamse emphasizes. Often it concerns assignments and then it is more difficult to simply say no. You will then have to negotiate; for example, say that you cannot do everything that is asked of you and ask your boss what other task you can drop.
Give yourself the right to refuse requests. And give the other person the right to be disappointed for a moment. But remember that you are not responsible for the other person's feelings. You are not there to meet their needs. The more you practice saying no, the easier it will be to see this. Want to read the full atricle?
https://665c32b81dd70.site123.me/our-latest-articles/how-to-say-no-tips-to-increase-your-assertiveness
We know that is some cases, you're into a relationship where no isn't accepted. And every change in your behavior will not be for granted: you will face many resistance. In that case it's good to get help from a psychotherapist. Book an appointment on our website, or by WhatsApp 010 70806656
