Corazón y Mente Counselling

19/09/2023

'Parental accountability would change our world.

When I shared this on Twitter, so many people said they cried just reading it.

A lot of people respond to my work with “parents aren’t perfect!” And this is true. Parents aren’t perfect. Humans aren’t perfect. All people hurt people. This is part of the human experience. It’s not about not hurting people, it’s just about accepting this will happen. It’s about listening.

It’s about showing someone you care enough to reflect on how it was for them *not you.*

Speaking vulnerably and owning our behavior is so important. Many people are afraid to do this. They’re so ashamed they don’t want to hear anything about the past.

So they deflect or deny by saying things like:
- “you’re remembering it wrong”
- “We all see the past differently”
- “You always had a big imagination”
- “You should just be grateful, I did so much for you”
- “Oh, sorry I’m a terrible person”
- “Can’t you focus on the now”
- “Move on!”

All this does is block the healing process.

Every person wants to have a close relationship to our parents. It’s our biology. It’s quite literally imprinted within us. The healing process can start at any time when we’re willing to be vulnerable. This is how we actually move forward.

How does this post feel in your body?' - The Holistic Psychologist

29/08/2023

'Is neurotypical really the norm?

We’ve been led to believe that neurotypical is the “correct” type of brain to have. We’ve been told that neurotypical is the norm; that the majority of the population have a certain type of brain and associated traits and behaviours, and the minority have a neurodivergent brain (anything but this so-called typical brain).

However, I believe (so this isn’t evidence-based, it’s my opinion) that there are just as many neurodivergent brains as there are neurotypical brains.

Could this be because I’m neurodivergent myself, and as a result, have been attracted to and surrounded myself with other neurodivergent people, skewing my view of the numbers? Perhaps 🤷🏽‍♀️

Some people wonder how there could possibly be so many more neurodivergent brains in the world all of a sudden. I saw a good meme about this. It likened this scenario to the discovery of new planets…we don’t think that they just appeared out of nowhere; we accept the fact that they’ve always been there, it’s just taken a long time to discover them (or they formed over billions of years, the analogy isn’t perfect 😅)

And why has it taken so long to discover all of the neurodiversity in this world? Maybe because a bunch of people back in the day decided what was typical or “normal”, spread that message like wildfire till it became social convention, and stigmatised all of the other beautiful neurotypes that we know exist today.

We haven’t just appeared out of nowhere. We’ve always been here. We now just feel comfortable enough to unmask and come out of hiding.

There’s still a stigma - we have a long way to go. But I’m pretty happy about the progress we’ve made so far.'

Is neurotypical really the norm?

We’ve been led to believe that neurotypical is the “correct” type of brain to have. We’ve been told that neurotypical is the norm; that the majority of the population have a certain type of brain and associated traits and behaviours, and the minority have a neurodivergent brain (anything but this so-called typical brain).

However, I believe (so this isn’t evidence-based, it’s my opinion) that there are just as many neurodivergent brains as there are neurotypical brains.

Could this be because I’m neurodivergent myself, and as a result, have been attracted to and surrounded myself with other neurodivergent people, skewing my view of the numbers? Perhaps 🤷🏽‍♀️

Some people wonder how there could possibly be so many more neurodivergent brains in the world all of a sudden. I saw a good meme about this. It likened this scenario to the discovery of new planets…we don’t think that they just appeared out of nowhere; we accept the fact that they’ve always been there, it’s just taken a long time to discover them (or they formed over billions of years, the analogy isn’t perfect 😅)

And why has it taken so long to discover all of the neurodiversity in this world? Maybe because a bunch of people back in the day decided what was typical or “normal”, spread that message like wildfire till it became social convention, and stigmatised all of the other beautiful neurotypes that we know exist today.

We haven’t just appeared out of nowhere. We’ve always been here. We now just feel comfortable enough to unmask and come out of hiding.

There’s still a stigma - we have a long way to go. But I’m pretty happy about the progress we’ve made so far.

15/08/2023

'Self-Regulation tells us that the difference between misbehaviour and stress behaviour is vitally important. But what happens if you can't quite tell whether a child's challenging behaviour is deliberate or not? As Susan Hopkins pointed out at the recent Self-Reg Summer Symposium, a stressed out child whose behaviour is treated as deliberate, conscious misbehaviour is going to be pushed further into dysregulation, and that can lead to lasting harm in their nervous system.

But if we treat a behaviour as caused by stress this always leaves the adult with an option open for later: If we figure out that we misread the situation, that a child was engaging in some kind of deliberate misbehaviour, we can go back, discuss the problem, and teach the child about what they could do differently next time.' - Vicki Parnell, Self-Reg Parenting

08/08/2023

"If children don’t feel that the adult in the room is able to - and wanting to - care for them and hold boundaries securely and lovingly, we might see restless, agitated, big behaviour, controlling or demanding behaviour, or a child who withdraws or puts themselves away.

These kids - the ones who put themselves away - will often be no trouble at all, but they also won’t be able to learn, be curious, take our guidance and grow.

This is the problem with traditional fear-based discipline. All it teaches them is not to come to us when things are messy. There will come a point (and it comes quite quickly) that the only things we know about their world are the things they decide to share. We want to be the first person, not the ‘last resort’ person.

Of course, we might also see these behaviours (big, withdrawn) even if we are holding boundaries securely and lovingly. When our kids collide with a boundary, it can drive big feelings and messy behaviour.

Sometimes it can be tempting to drop the boundary to remove their distress, but we don’t need to. We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are, and when we can trust those edges not to shift around too much.

It’s not about cutting out boundaries, but about adding in warmth. Warmth AND leadership - they need both.

It can be so tough to feel warmth when our own boundaries are being squeezed, but doing this whenever you can will help bring them back to calm quicker. It lets them see that we can handle every version of them, not just the ‘convenient’ delightful one.

If you do feel yourself amping up, that’s okay. It’s so normal. Their distress will fuel our distress. What’s important is that our distress doesn’t give further fuel to their distress.

You might need to walk away for a moment (if you can) to regulate with a few strong breaths, and remind yourself that all parents feel like this sometimes, and that’s okay. If you do collide with them at the boundary, and if this comes with yelling or things you wish you didn’t say, you can fix that. Repair the rupture as soon as you can and don’t sell it as something they caused or deserved. Humility is an important growth point too.♥️"- Karen Young

If children don’t feel that the adult in the room is able to - and wanting to - care for them and hold boundaries securely and lovingly, we might see restless, agitated, big behaviour, controlling or demanding behaviour, or a child who withdraws or puts themselves away.

These kids - the ones who put themselves away - will often be no trouble at all, but they also won’t be able to learn, be curious, take our guidance and grow.

This is the problem with traditional fear-based discipline. All it teaches them is not to come to us when things are messy. There will come a point (and it comes quite quickly) that the only things we know about their world are the things they decide to share. We want to be the first person, not the ‘last resort’ person.

Of course, we might also see these behaviours (big, withdrawn) even if we are holding boundaries securely and lovingly. When our kids collide with a boundary, it can drive big feelings and messy behaviour.

Sometimes it can be tempting to drop the boundary to remove their distress, but we don’t need to. We humans feel safest when we know where the edges are, and when we can trust those edges not to shift around too much.

It’s not about cutting out boundaries, but about adding in warmth. Warmth AND leadership - they need both.

It can be so tough to feel warmth when our own boundaries are being squeezed, but doing this whenever you can will help bring them back to calm quicker. It lets them see that we can handle every version of them, not just the ‘convenient’ delightful one.

If you do feel yourself amping up, that’s okay. It’s so normal. Their distress will fuel our distress. What’s important is that our distress doesn’t give further fuel to their distress.

You might need to walk away for a moment (if you can) to regulate with a few strong breaths, and remind yourself that all parents feel like this sometimes, and that’s okay. If you do collide with them at the boundary, and if this comes with yelling or things you wish you didn’t say, you can fix that. Repair the rupture as soon as you can and don’t sell it as something they caused or deserved. Humility is an important growth point too.♥️

07/08/2023

Childhood is not a race.

26/06/2023

"Being listened to is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference."
David Augsberger

21/05/2023

"Without connection we have to rely on force. We fall back on threats, bribes and harsh punishments. But force usually causes damage. If you want to have influence, connection is the key."

Without connection we have to rely on force. We fall back on threats, bribes and harsh punishments. But force usually causes damage. If you want to have influence connection is the key

16/05/2023

''Being Calm Is Not Passive
The ability to calm yourself when things get tricky is actually 'active parenting'. If you're not already calm, there are actions you have to make to get to compassion and calm:
• Pay attention to your emotional state using your breath,
• Clear out any unhelpful 'self talk' going on inside of your head, and
• Centering yourself in your heart.
Being calm and compassionate at will is a learned state, it is one of the most useful skills you could learn as a parent.''

Being Calm Is Not Passive
The ability to calm yourself when things get tricky is actually 'active parenting'. If you're not already calm, there are actions you have to make to get to compassion and calm:
• Pay attention to your emotional state using your breath,
• Clear out any unhelpful 'self talk' going on inside of your head, and
• Centering yourself in your heart.
Being calm and compassionate at will is a learned state, it is one of the most useful skills you could learn as a parent.

23/04/2023

Such a great post, this sums up why learning can't happen without relational safety:

"We have to change the way we think about education. For schools to be places of learning, they must be places of relationship.

An anxious brain can’t learn. The learning brain can only be ‘on’ when the whole brain feels safe: physically safe (free from hunger, pain, exhaustion, sensory overload/ underload) and relationally safe (seen, welcome, cared for, connected to).

Relationships take time, and learning can’t happen without them. Yet, our teachers are under more pressure than ever, (as are our children!) to show academic results.

Of course we want academic progression, but if we shortcut the opportunity or time for teachers to be able to (or willing to) build relational safety in the classroom, learning won’t happen.

Of course some kids will excel no matter what’s happening in the room, but too many won’t. This isn’t because they aren’t capable, but because they don’t feel safe enough - yet.

Until children feel safe enough, we will only see the fringes of what they can do. We don’t need to change them - there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. What’s wrong is the world that thinks all children should feel safe with all adults, even ones they don’t know yet. This idea is ridiculous.

Let’s not make the mistake of thinking we’ve seen everything these kids have to give, or that we know what they’re capable of. They don’t even know what they’re capable of yet, but we know they can do hard things and surprising things - they just need to feel safe enough first.

They need us to stay curious about their potential, until they feel safe enough to let us uncover that potential.

These kids don’t want to be ‘indulged’. They want to feel safe. We all need that, so we need to be kind to our teachers too. We need to give teachers more time and opportunity to build the relationships that let them do their jobs.

The teachers that get the importance of relationship are magic-makers - they change lives - but learning might take longer at first, while the relationship is building.

When the relationship is there, these teachers have the most profound capacity to lead even the most anxious kids into learning, brave behaviour and discovering their rich potential."

14/04/2023

"As a child we have two fundamental needs. One need that is with us in infancy, and it’s absolute, it’s not negotiable, is attachment. The other need is authenticity. Authenticity is connection to ourselves."
Gabor Maté

Safety First
Is it safe to be me?
Is it safe to be the real me?
Is it safe to be the real me with all my highs and lows?
Children don't literally ask this questions out loud, but they live them every day. For too many children the answer is 'no, it isn't safe', so they give up their authenticity in their effort to keep the connection going with their parents.
"As a child we have two fundamental needs. One need that is with us in infancy, and it’s absolute, it’s not negotiable, is attachment. The other need is authenticity. Authenticity is connection to ourselves."
Gabor Maté

04/04/2023

This is so important, a healthy, functioning relationship is the key to everything really.
'Anxious kids are brave kids, but their courage might show itself in different ways. For some kids, even being at school, or trying something unfamiliar, or asking a question in class, will take more courage than we could ever know. Courage is about moving right up to the edge of what feels safe and moving just beyond. Kids with anxiety do this all the time.

Sometimes, the support offered to kids with an anxiety at school - as well meaning and generously intended as it will be - might miss the mark. It’s not enough to have an adult there to support a child or teen who is feeling anxious. Of course it’s a really important start, but the relationship has to feel warm, loving and safe for the child.

It’s also not enough to have ‘behaviour plans’ in place to support big behaviour that is fuelled by anxiety. There has to also be a loving, warm, functioning attachment relationship with a trusted adult. Relationship is the most powerful way to support a felt sense of safety. This will help ease the anxiety which is driving the behaviour.

Similarly, all the academic support won’t land the way it needs to unless that child or teen has a felt sense of safety while they are learning. An anxious brain can’t learn. Anxiety sends the ‘thinking brain’ offline. It is this way for all of us. None of us can think clearly or learn new things when we’re anxious. Relational safety first, then the way for learning and behaviour will open up.

Anxiety tells a deficiency story to our kids and teens - that they aren’t strong enough, good enough, brave enough. Relationship with a trusted, warm, loving, strong adult helps our kids feel bigger than that deficiency story. It send the message, ‘I see you, I’m with you, and I believe in you. We’ll do this together until you can do it on your own. What tiny step can you take that was braver than last time? I know it feels big. It’s okay to be scared and you are safe. I’m here. You can let go of the guard rails because I’m holding on to you. And I’ll catch you if you fall.’♥️'

Anxious kids are brave kids, but their courage might show itself in different ways. For some kids, even being at school, or trying something unfamiliar, or asking a question in class, will take more courage than we could ever know. Courage is about moving right up to the edge of what feels safe and moving just beyond. Kids with anxiety do this all the time.

Sometimes, the support offered to kids with an anxiety at school - as well meaning and generously intended as it will be - might miss the mark. It’s not enough to have an adult there to support a child or teen who is feeling anxious. Of course it’s a really important start, but the relationship has to feel warm, loving and safe for the child.

It’s also not enough to have ‘behaviour plans’ in place to support big behaviour that is fuelled by anxiety. There has to also be a loving, warm, functioning attachment relationship with a trusted adult. Relationship is the most powerful way to support a felt sense of safety. This will help ease the anxiety which is driving the behaviour.

Similarly, all the academic support won’t land the way it needs to unless that child or teen has a felt sense of safety while they are learning. An anxious brain can’t learn. Anxiety sends the ‘thinking brain’ offline. It is this way for all of us. None of us can think clearly or learn new things when we’re anxious. Relational safety first, then the way for learning and behaviour will open up.

Anxiety tells a deficiency story to our kids and teens - that they aren’t strong enough, good enough, brave enough. Relationship with a trusted, warm, loving, strong adult helps our kids feel bigger than that deficiency story. It send the message, ‘I see you, I’m with you, and I believe in you. We’ll do this together until you can do it on your own. What tiny step can you take that was braver than last time? I know it feels big. It’s okay to be scared and you are safe. I’m here. You can let go of the guard rails because I’m holding on to you. And I’ll catch you if you fall.’♥️

26/03/2023

"1. CONNECT BEFORE YOU CORRECT.

When a child makes a mistake or is hurt, their thinking brain shuts down and their emotional brain takes over. When a child is in this state, learning is impossible.

We need to connect on an emotional level first. Hug your child, sit with them, empathize and resist the temptation to correct the behavior. Recognize that they have lost a little dignity and may feel embarrassed, scared and confused. Teaching a lesson is rarely an emergency, so leave it for later (maybe five minutes, five hours or five days from now, depending on the situation and age of your child).

“You have to reach the heart before you can reach the head.” Carter Bayton

When you feel your child is in more control, attempt to redirect and bring in the logical left side of the brain. Dr. Dan Siegl, author of The Whole Brain Child, calls this process ‘name it to tame it’. One approach is to ask your child to tell the story of what happened and you can help fill in the blanks for them if they need it. Walk through the event, matter of factly without judgment.

This helps children process their emotions while making logical sense of what really happened, laying the foundation for a lesson to be learned and emotions to be regulated."

Time out and punishments are popular because they offer a quick fix. But, they fracture the parent-child relationship. Here are four tips to avoid time out.