20/02/2024
This is an oldie, but a goodie. Makes me laugh every time. And yes ladies we do discuss birth plans within the antenatal classes 😂😂😂
Inbox: Has anyone written a funny birth plan?
I just found mine and it made me laugh out loud... I dont know what I was on when I wrote it... but the Midwives pinned it on their wall...
Thought I'd share for a laugh 😊
Dear Hospital Staff,
Thank you and congratulations for being on shift for the birth of our child.
The following sets forth our wishes for the duration of our stay.
Please note, please feel free to deviate from this plan should a medical emergency arise – although, either myself or my Husband are informed and are aware should there be any complications.
I am happy to have a caesarean if natural labour becomes too difficult or the baby is in distress.
Labour
I will do whatever you say, including twisting myself into a pretzel if it means the baby comes out faster.
If we have to have foetal monitoring, that’s fine, plug me in, inject me, clip the babys head, hang me by my toenails, I’m really not fussed, as long as she is ok and, well, she gets out quick.
My waters will break in either the front seat of my husbands car or Tescos so you will probably not need to do this, however, in the event that you do, please fire away. Aslong as you don’t intend on trying to pop with a dart as I can assure you now, you will NOT get Bully’s special prize.
Epidurals/Anaesthesia/Drugs – I’m open to anything you’ve got. An epidural as soon as I walk in the door would be handy.
Any drugs you’ve got going, I’ll have. Seriously. Even if it comes from the cleaning cupboard. Me and Pain are not friends.
Actually – is it possible to give birth in a drug induced coma? (That IS a joke – well, unless it becomes necessary!)
Episiotomy – If you have to slice me from my forehead to my lady garden to get her out, that’s fine, just please don’t tell me about it.
Delivery
Do whatever it is you need to get her out (can you see a pattern forming here?) but I would prefer not to use forceps. You may try vacuum, S.W.A.T, Ghanaian Drumming Circle, but please, not the forceps – I’d never be able to look at the barbeque tongs in the same light.
At some point, the umbilical cord will need to be cut. My Husband does not want to do this. I would prefer him to be fully conscious for the entire birth.
Should he feel the need to wimp out on me and pass out, please just move him out of the way with the side of your shoe. He can get his own nurses. This is MY day!
I would prefer the least amount of people to see my lady garden, otherwise, I will have to start charging for seats.
I would also prefer not to have student nurses, I know they have to learn somewhere but I do not want to teach them my entire vocabulary of swear words and them not to continue their training because they are scarred for life.
I would like a private room if available. Preferably with soundproof padded walls. For my Husband.
I would like to have both my Husband and My Mum in the delivery room with me (Pete got me in this mess, my Mum has to get me out of it!) and I would preferably like them both conscious.
Again, I would prefer for them both not to look at the ‘critical’ end.
My Mum will need to eat again and I would like to have s*x again with my Husband. If he sees that, he’ll never come near me again and we’ll end up sleeping in separate rooms. Which could be difficult, we only have a 2 bedroom house.
I would not like to make a video or take photos during labour and birth because a week after giving birth, I will leave my camera in a Chinese restaurant and it will be filched by a waiter and for the rest of my life, I will worry that my va**na will end up all over facebook / youtube. Carriexx
