Aimee Cote Therapy

12/06/2024

19/03/2024

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22/09/2023

When we think of inconsistent parenting, we usually think of not following through on appropriate consequences. Sometimes you react, and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you take away the kid's computer or phone when they ignore the rules, sometimes you don't. According to the theory, when you don't follow through, bad behavior gets rewarded. The kid learns that if they throw a fit, they'll get what they want. At least, that's the theory.

Intuitively, inconsistent discipline never seemed like enough to me. Screaming, hitting, biting, rolling around on the floor? Is extra candy or screen time worth it? That doesn't seem like much of a reward to me, personally. Still, when I've seen kids have full-on meltdowns, I can tell that they're in fight or flight mode. It looks like how you'd imagine someone if they were fighting their very life. I've never seen a meltdown or tantrum where the kid looks like they're rationally calculating the odds that their screaming and yelling will make mom or dad cave. I can see that these kids are genuinely upset.

So this idea that explosive behavior is caused by parents giving in to their kids – where does it come from? I recently started wondering about where the belief originated, so I looked to the research.

The studies that first linked inconsistent parenting and behavior problems were by Patterson in 1976 and 1982. In them, he defined “inconsistent parenting” as inconsistent discipline. Specifically, he studied when mothers gave in to their children's tantrums. An example would be if mom says no when their child asks for more candy. Child has a tantrum and mom gives in. Repeated enough times, and you get a child with explosive behavior.

(Studies in the 70's and 80's looked at mothers and children. They didn't look at fathers, and certainly not same s*x couples. Historically, they study mothers in straight couples. I imagine that, practically speaking, it made sense. They're more common, and women spend many more hours per week on child care. Sadly, this focus has given us a skewed perspective on the family, one where fathers are expendable. More recent studies look at both parents in straight couples, allowing us to see just how important an emotional connection with dad is. I imagine that it will take several more years to have the same data on same s*x parents.)

But within a number of years, other research by Wahler and Dumas in 1986 showed that there was very little evidence that 1) mothers of kids with conduct disorder were giving in, or 2) that their kids were being rewarded for bad behavior. Instead, they started to see the links between behavior problems and social context, things that a behavior chart, with rewards and consequences, won't help.

In recent years, research has started to look at behavior problems with a much wider lens. A meta-analysis by Lin, et al 2022 looked at socioeconomic factors, problems between parents, problems between parents and children, and individual factors. There is now research on how a child's personality and behavior impacts the parents' relationship, for example. Historically, therapists and researchers considered the impact of the parents' issues on the child. There now is more recognition of the impact on parents of caring for a child who is really struggling.

Regarding parenting, researchers look at more aspects of parenting beyond discipline and negative cycles of interaction. Luxton created a questionnaire that measures many parenting behaviors like care, supportiveness, and over-protection. Other researchers look at things like marital discord, parents' mental health, positive interactions with parents, and play. New consideration is being given to the protective aspects of care and connection, and how this mitigates behavior problems.

Next time I'll delve more into the other things – beyond parenting - that can contribute to meltdowns. For now, tell me what you think.

Here are some of the articles I used for this piece.

Gardner, F. (2004). Inconsistent parenting: Is there evidence for a link with children's conduct problems?. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 17(2), 223-233.

Pederson, C., & Fite, P. (2014). The Impact of Parenting on the Associations Between Child Aggression Subtypes and Oppositional Defiant Disorder Symptoms. Child Psychiatry and Human Development, 45(6), 728-735.

Luxton, David. (2007). The Effects of Inconsistent Parenting on the Development of Uncertain Self-Esteem and Depression Vulnerability.

Lin X, He T, Heath M, Chi P, Hinshaw S. A Systematic Review of Multiple Family Factors Associated with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2022 Aug 31;19(17):10866. doi: 10.3390/ijerph191710866. PMID: 36078582; PMCID: PMC9517877.

Patterson, G. R. (1982). Coercive family process. Eugene, OR: Castalia.

Wahler RG, Dumas JE. Maintenance factors in coercive mother-child interactions: the compliance and predictability hypotheses. J Appl Behav A**l. 1986 Spring;19(1):13-22. doi: 10.1901/jaba.1986.19-13. PMID: 3710944; PMCID: PMC1308037.

15/09/2023

Many psychologists and parenting experts point to inconsistent parenting as the cause of kids' explosive behavior. I'm talking about major explosions that may include violence toward parents, siblings, or even the self. It's behavior that can eventually result in a diagnosis of oppositional defiance disorder (ODD is really problematic as a diagnosis, but I'll discuss that later).

Regarding the explosions, practitioners may confidently declare parents - especially the parent in front of them, usually mom - to be The Cause. The solution is to be "more consistent", regardless of the circumstances parents may find themselves in. The parenting plan probably entails defining rules and expectations, along with rewards and consequences, and enforcing them at all times. Sounds reaonable, right?

Except that often this approach doesn't work. In fact, I haven't spoken to a single parent who has reported that consistency, rewards, and consequences did the trick concerning extreme explosions and meltdowns. On the contrary, they may have made things worse. When that happens, parents may be told that it's because they weren't consistent enough. If they were, the behavior would have improved. They might be asked for a detailed account of recent routine. That one time that the child went to bed 20 minutes late? It sent a message of inconsistency and undid all of the other consistency. Parents might be sent away with instructions to be unfailingly consistent this time. When they continue to report no improvement, they might get labeled as resistent. Practitioners may become frustrated with the parents, not to mention the parents' frustration with a practitioner who doesn't hear them.

I'll post the next part of this article next week. Until then, let me know what you think!

Family, Couples, and Individual Therapy

31/08/2023

Absolutely true.

I’m not at all well today so I don’t have a lot of words.

Maybe I can ask you to provide an example of adults being inflexible in regards to Autistic kids?

Or, bigger challenge, who can do a good job of pretending to be me, and write a complete caption for me? Anyone know me well-enough?

If it’s brilliant I’ll use it, haha.

Em 🌈🌻✌️
AuDHD SLP

31/08/2023

Feelings and thoughts are constantly shifting. They don’t define us. But our fear of them, wanting to push them out, ignore them, means they have to shout to be heard. Be curious. Listen to what they have to say.

27/04/2023

Hi everyone,
Here is a link to a presentation I recently gave on . We now understand so much about how the brain and body work together to respond to safety vs danger. From my perspective, this approach to challenging behavior from Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. is the most aligned with this understanding.

https://youtu.be/N_mdbaXM6F8

20/02/2023

This is my kid focusing on reading.

I could have asked him to sit down and sit still.
And he maybe could have done it.
And his focus would have suffered a whole lot because he would need to make a conscious effort to keep his body still.

And for what reason? To please me? To meet some neuronormative expectation of what 'good reading' looks like?

Nah.

I want him building his literacy skills. He adores reading and I hope he always does.
I'm going to let him read however he pleases.

*Edited to add: he's taking the weight through his arms. He was not about to flip the chair backwards. He spends all day climbing and building his balance, core, and gross motor skills. It's his strength and deep joy. Sometimes he needs an adult to intervene with a safety message when he's doing stuff. This was not one of those times.

Em 😊🌈✌
AuDHD SLP

17/02/2023

Are time-outs an effective strategy for parents to cope with children’s challenging behaviors? Before I studied early childhood development, I occasionally used time-outs with my own children because they were touted as an effective and appropriate discipline technique. Decades later, a debate is

13/02/2023

💯

My issue with compliance-based methods.

You have assumed that my kid has made an intentional choice to not do the thing. You have assumed that they are entirely capable of doing the thing in this moment, but they have chosen not to. Based on this reasoning, all my kid needs is more rewards offered and more consequences given. Then they will learn to make the ‘right choice’, and just do the thing.

This is so incorrect.
As Dr Ross Greene says, kids do well if they can.

My kid WILL do the thing WHEN HE CAN.

When he doesn’t, it’s probably because he’s too dysregulated.
It’s probably because he has absolutely no mental energy left.
It could be because he’s had to mask hard all day and he’s got nothing left to give.
It could be because he can’t access his executive function skills in this moment.
It could be because he’s not ok inside.
It could be because he is too sad.
It could be because he is a perfectionist and doesn’t think he can do the thing perfectly right this minute.
It could be because his head is pounding from massive sensory overload.
It could be anxiety.
It could be because he has learnt that mistakes are punished here.
It could be that he is minutes away from shutting down.

It could be all these things.
When my kid doesn’t do the thing, it is because he can’t- not because he won’t.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that my kid just isn’t trying hard enough.

He tries so much harder than you will ever know.

Em 🌈
AuDHD SLP

09/01/2023

This simple statement is one of the most profound ideas I’ve learned in my work.

It has nothing to do with whether we should condone the behavior, but that this is the way this child is seeking connection in this moment.

It doesn’t mean that you aren’t giving the child a level of attention that would satisfy other kids. But maybe this child needs more or a different kind of attention.

Our job as adults is to provide positive attention and encourage the child to use pro-social ways to connect to others.