31/03/2025
This, mamas💗🙌
I messed up today, friends. The internet will tell you that authors and parent coaches like me always have it all together, and I'm here to put that "story" in the fiction section.
Last Wednesday, my daughter and I tested positive for strep for the second time this year. Today (Sunday), the rest of my lab results came through the portal and I learned I've also been living life lately with a staph infection, walking pneumonia, a UTI, and other wonky bloodwork that - according to Google - makes it sound like I should not be upright.
PSA: don't Google things. I digress.
On one hand, I'm feeling SUPER RESILIENT AND STRONG (see? all caps!) to have been upright all this time, with all of this coursing through my system! I really don't feel that bad. Truly. On the other hand, it stressed me out. Especially the Google part.
With life going on as it does, I've already over-committed myself this week: big deadlines, a live presentation at a conference, teaching multiple parenting classes, hosting 10 women at my not-ready-for-visitors-yet home on Tuesday morning, and other things I was already carrying emotionally. Blah.
Long story short, my stress was inching up this afternoon, and two small comments that other family members made about relatively inconsequential things became the proverbial straw that broke this camel's back.
Hi. I'm the camel. It's me.
I lost it. I cracked. I yelled that I needed SPACE (and I am not a yeller, so on the incredibly rare occasions that I do, it's scary to my sensitive child). I stormed around the house. In short, I had a tantrum. Can't say I'm proud of that, especially since I'm what many people call a "super co-regulator." I am usually a warm and compassionate emotional rock for others.
That did not happen today. I found my breaking point.
And then, of course, I collapsed into a sobbing puddle on my kitchen floor.
Most people don't make reels for social media about these moments. At least, not ones that aren't totally staged.
Knowing what I know, though, I could not leave things there. As soon as the anger moved out of the way so my fear and grief could show their faces, I found my husband and daughter and called them into the living room.
I held my child on my lap, despite her being almost as tall as I am, and I apologized. I told them both that even though I was frustrated, they didn't deserve for me to take it out on them. And then I got vulnerable, telling them (in age-appropriate ways for my child) that my stress fight or flight response came from fear.
I did not ask them to apologize for their parts in causing my frustration. I did not tell them what they did wrong to push me over the edge. I did not expect them to "fix" me.
I asked for forgiveness. I owned my stuff. This is what they call cycle breaking, isn't it?
Later tonight, my child had a LOT to process with me before bed. Of course she did. I'm thankful to be her trusted parent (and friend), where she feels safe to tell me how my actions hurt her, what her fears are, and what she needs.
Parenting can be TOUGH sometimes, because we're still human, navigating all this stuff together.
Just keep showing up, even when it's messy.
Just keep showing up, even when it's hard.
Just keep showing up, even if it means apologizing again and again.
Repair is powerful. (And once you repair, please don't keep berating yourself about the mistake(s) you made -- learn and move on.)
xo,
Sarah, author of "Peaceful Discipline"
