01/12/2025
Ahead of our Bereavement Meet up next Tuesday at Mad Hatter, Matlock, Sarah one of our guest therapists has written a blog - Three Ways That Grief May Surprise You.
10.30 to 12.30 - Tuesday 2nd December
By Sarah Kallend, Stress & Trauma Therapist at www.heartandheadspace.com Heart and Head Space
Grief often arrives in ways we don’t expect. Many people have a picture in their mind of how they’ll feel after a loss, but when the moment comes, the experience can be entirely different. This can leave people wondering if they’re coping “properly,” or worrying that something is wrong because their reaction doesn’t match what they imagined or match the mood or behavior of the people around them.
The truth is simple: grief has its own timing, its own rhythm, and its own way of settling into a person’s life. And it may take you by surprise:
1. WHEN it shows up…
Many people expect an immediate wave of emotion, but instead find themselves feeling strangely calm, numb, or focused on practicalities. For some, tears come later — sometimes weeks or months after the funeral, often in a quiet everyday moments.
The reality is that if grief is living with loss, we’re grieving from the moment we acknowledge that loss. And so you may in fact have been grieving over a period of many weeks, months or even years before your ‘person’ passes away. And because it comes in many forms, the numbness or disbelief or disconnection is as much ‘grief’ as the sadness and tears that we tend to label it as.
You might notice emotions rising:
• when the house becomes still
• when a familiar scent catches you off guard
• when you pick up an object that belonged to the person who has gone
• or when life returns to “normal,” but you don’t feel normal at all
A delay in sadness or tears is very common. During the early days, the mind and body often concentrate on getting through what needs to be done. You are in survival mode yourself and so often only when life settles, does the sadness and heaviness have the space to make itself known.
Well meaning people around you might show concern that you appear to be ‘coping too well’ and you can be thankful for their consideration without feeling any pressure to assure them that what, when and how you’re navigating each moment is just how it needs to be for you.
2. HOW it shows up…..
Non of us have a blueprint about how we experience loss. Grief can feel markedly different for each person you lose. People sometimes assume their reactions to loss will be consistent, but grief varies with every relationship. It depends on the history you shared, the role the person played in your life, and what else was happening at the time.
You may find that:
• you cried continuously after one loss, but barely cried at all after another
• one death leaves you feeling angry, while another brings quiet sadness
• a sudden loss feels different from the death of someone who had been unwell for a long time
• the grief for one person feels sharper or more confusing, even if you thought it wouldn’t
This doesn’t reflect how much you cared. It reflects the shape of the relationship, the circumstances around the death, and the version of yourself who lived that part of your life.
Every loss touches a different part of us, which means every grief takes a different form. I often have clients tell me in the therapy room that they feel shocked or ashamed that the loss of a family pet might feel like it’s hit them ‘harder’ than the death of a family member. And whilst it’s sadly true that many family relationships have a history of disfunction or pain, there is no scale of comparison for assessing what feels ‘bigger’ it’s just different. And you are 100% allowed to feel what you feel.
3. WHERE it shows up…
Grief often shows up in the body before it shows up in the emotions. Whilst its accurate to say that emotions are also felt in the body, what you may experience first are physical sensations or shifts such as tiredness or weariness, trouble sleeping, headaches, brain fog or trouble concentrating. And when emotions do appear they’re not always the ‘sadness’ that people expect: more often it’s anger, irritability, or flatness.
These sensations can be unsettling, especially if you’re expecting to feel something more recognisable as grief.
But this is simply the body responding to change. Loss places a strain on the whole system — your routines shift, your sense of safety changes, and your mind works hard to process what has happened.
These physical reactions are often the first signs of grief, not a disruption or a mistake.
When grief doesn’t look how you thought it would…
If your grief feels unexpected, quiet, delayed, or different from previous losses, you are not doing anything wrong. There is no single way to grieve, and no standard against which anyone should measure themselves. Grief can be disorientating, but it is also deeply personal. It changes with time, and it reveals itself differently in each person and in each loss.
If you feel unsure, overwhelmed, or simply in need of someone to listen, support is available.
You do not have to navigate grief alone.
Cruse Bereavement Support — Provides free support, information and local branches (England, Wales & Northern Ireland). Helpline: 0808 808 1677.
Marie Curie (“Telephone Bereavement Support Service”) — Free, UK-wide telephone support for adults grieving someone who died from a terminal illness (up to six sessions). Helpline: 0800 090 2309.
Sue Ryder — Offers free-to-access grief support online, peer groups and online community. Helpline: 0808 164 4572
National Bereavement Service (NBS) — Provides free and impartial practical guidance (administration, legal tasks, funeral matters) and links to specialist bereavement care. Helpline: 0800 024 6121.
For private, local support find Sarah Kallend at www.heartandheadspace.com
