05/02/2024
Dear World,
I am your Fitness Advisor, wellness coach, personal trainer, group exercise instructor.
I gain your favour, trust and following on the merit of my energy, professionalism, cheerful disposition and charisma. So strong and vibrant, inspirational, reliable and hard-working. So full of knowledge and “healthy” (and did I mention I’m a dedicated mother and supportive wife too?)
But what happens when I’m not all these thing? When I’m not superhuman, the saviour and darling? Is it my moral shortcoming when I seem selfishly lazy and I don’t meet your expectations? Am I deceptive and untrustworthy when I don’t show up for you? Am I letting you down?
Why does it bother me so that I’m disappointing you and failing to meet your needs?
Surely my dogma around nutrition, exercise and such is failing me… or are my virtuous practices overpowered by the weight of my anxieties and dutiful expectations (oh, and the sleep deprivation!) as I ignore my own biological cues in favour of obligations?
Surely I have no excuse to fall sick or tired or suffer, as I’m “so healthy”.
Common assumptions now jar with reality. That small child whose frail body and delicate mind suffered the perils of ‘modern medicine’ is quietly and tightly holding her emotional burdens, still striving to prove herself strong, likeable and dependable. The “meat suit”, sculpted to protect the soft and vulnerable centre, designed to impress and dazzle, now degrades and malfunctions, whilst the (often maligned as selfish) crucial self-care is neglected.
The true God I rely on for protection and sustenance has been relegated in favour of a need to please. Should such worldly validation be of greater importance than my almighty God, creator with whom I long to spend all of eternity? I am shaken that my behavior does not align with my true beliefs. In THIS I am greatly flawed. I can preach such sage wisdom from my head: putting God first, self-care, “balance” (whatever that is)… doing the “right” things, but practising is altogether different.
Prioritising serving God and following HIS plan for one’s life is not selfish or ignorant to the needs of others. In fact, with a God-given purpose and relying on HIS strength in my own weakness, HE gives me the resources to show up and give my best to those around me. To be the best, mother, wife, daughter, friend. To be an example to my own daughter of how to truly live and not simply exist in a state of fear and strife.
As I write this, I am lying on my sofa, recovering from a sinus infection, flu-like sickness and exhaustion. I have let people down this week (clients, gym members and friends) and suffered financially, but what would be the consequences even if I COULD push on? Moreover, this cycle of guilt and disappointment needs to break. As I ponder new changes with God’s guidance, I will disappoint some (or a lot of) people with whatever outcome. That is life. I am not responsible for pleasing everyone.
Please have compassion for all those trying to do the right thing but struggling.
Please have understanding when people try and seem to fail.
Please support others in their big, scary decisions
Yours,
Emma
