Phil de la Haye IFS

24/10/2025

What do your symptoms do for you? How might they be protecting you from things you find challenging?

I know this can be a really difficult question to consider, and if you feel angry reading this, I get it. I hated it the first time someone asked me to think about this. I didn’t want to admit that the pain I was experiencing was helping me at all. I hated it. It was horrible. I didn’t want it. Being asked to think about this felt like victim blaming. But bear with me, because that’s not what I’m saying at all.

You have no conscious control over your symptoms. They are being produced by your brain and nervous system in a response to perceived threat. Your symptoms are 100% real. And they suck and you would never consciously choose them.

But on an unconscious level, the symptoms that are keeping you stuck in the house, or that force you to rest, or that mean you have to call in sick, or skip that dinner with your in-laws are probably protecting you from people or situations that your brain perceives as dangerous. So it can be helpful to start to get curious about this. What might your symptoms be protecting you from?

Knowledge is power. Once you understand the function of your symptoms, you can explore other ways of taking care of yourself.

23/10/2025

Gabor Maté calls resentment "soul su***de"
When we’re faced with a choice between feeling resentful or feeling guilty. He advises us to choose the guilt every time.

This is a powerful statement, and one which helped me a lot in my own healing. That said, I don't agree with it entirely. Sometimes I will still choose resentment.

The difference for me was in realising there is a choice, and making this choice consciously in collaboration with my parts rather than being driven by old patterns.

The choice between feeling guilty or feeling resentful highlights an internal conflict between polarized protective parts inside us.

Click on the link to read more...

My next workshop: Introduction to Using IFS with Journalling for Mindbody Healing is on Saturday 8th November (4pm - 6pm UK/11am - 1pm EST)Read full details and book here

22/10/2025

Chronic pain is nearly always neuroplastic (i.e. being produced in the brain and not due to tissue damage).

Neuroplastic pain can occur when the body is perfectly healthy. The brain learns the pathway for pain and gets really good at producing it. Think of it as an oversensitive burglar alarm that keeps going off when there’s no intruder.

The good news is that you can unlearn your pain and dial down the sensitivity of the alarm system that’s triggering the pain.

Read back through my other posts for more details about how to do it, or check out my website for further info and links to resources - including a link to the book quoted here. The Way Out by Alan Gordon and Alon Ziv, which is an excellent book on the topic.

20/10/2025

What if I can’t remember the details of the past? Do I need to know the root cause of my trauma to heal?

We don't need to recall the exact narrative of our childhood stressors in order to heal from chronic pain. This can be hard for our perfectionist parts to accept, because we often want to be able to understand and analyse everything. But letting go of that need to know every detail of your history and trusting what your body is telling or showing you in the present is part of the process.

It's normal not to have clear memories of childhood because children's brains don't have the ability to encode narrative memory before a certain point. Even after that we don't remember every detail.

We remember things from childhood as ‘implicit memory’. We store this in our bodies in the form of emotions, sensations, or patterns of behaviour. Implicit memories often don’t feel like memories, but we can think of them as 'body memories', or 'feeling flashbacks'. I have found helps me understand what’s happening if I'm having an emotional reaction to something that feels out of proportion in the present

Instead, explore your experience in the here and now.
What are you feeling in your body?
What sensations are present?
How might they be protective?

For example: If you feel anxious and insecure in relationships in the present, or if you get pain symptoms related to social anxiety, you can assume that you sometimes felt unsafe around people when you were a young child. Those young parts of you are being activated in the present.

You don’t need to know details of the past in order to retrain your brain to feel safer around other people now. Accept that your feelings are valid, and learn to soothe and reassure yourself. As you learn to self-regulate you will teach your brain that (most) other people are safe, and this will also help you to trust your instincts when you come across people who don’t feel good to be around.

17/10/2025

MINDBODY HEALTH TIP
Immerse yourself in nature!
Being in nature has huge benefits for our physical and emotional health.
Research shows that time spent in green spaces:
> lowers stress hormones
> reduces symptoms of depression
> improves focus and attention span
> boosts immune system
> boosts serotonin levels (happy hormone)
> improves overall health
> improves sleep

If it's not possible for you to get out in nature, or if being outdoors feels unsafe, look out of the window at trees, or the sky. Look at photos or videos of nature, or listen to nature sounds on YouTube (birdsong, wave sounds, streams etc). Even looking at photos of the fractal patterns seen in nature can help to reduce your stress levels

15/10/2025

How should I go about resuming/increasing physical activity when I’m recovering from chronic pain? Gradually or go all in?

For some people going all in can work, but generally I'd recommend building up activity gradually. I say this, NOT because there is something wrong with your body, but because your nervous system is likely to freak out on you if you try and run before you can walk (pun intended).

I think it can be helpful to view reintroducing exercise as gradual exposure to a trigger for your nervous system.

Be gentle and kind to yourself, listen to your body, and try and make whatever activity you are introducing enjoyable and fun for you. Bring some lightness to it.

Many of us who have chronic pain, have had a complicated relationship with exercise in the past. We often have parts who have pushed us very hard, or used exercise as a form of self-soothing, or to control our bodies. Exploring internal conflict around exercise can often be really helpful when we try to re-introduce it or increase activity levels.

When I was starting to run again early in my recovery, I found it helpful to remember how much I loved running for fun as a child. I visualised myself running with my childhood best friend beside me, barefoot and running for the joy of moving rather than for some random fitness goal. I stopped when I got tired, rested, enjoyed the scenery and started again when I felt like it. Sometimes I'd switch to walking if running didn't feel good that day.
I let go of any pressure or expectations about speed or distance. These things helped me so much. Try applying these principles to whatever exercise you are trying to reintroduce.

13/10/2025

From an IFS perspective we can see this as a polarized struggle between our protective managers telling us what to do, and other parts reacting with frustration to the demands being made on the system.

Our manager parts are actually often young, even though they boss us around so they sound like inner adults. It can be helpful to think of them more as parentified children who took on these busy jobs to try and protect us.

Internal conflict can cause stress and this can create physical symptoms.

But when you shine a light on that conflict, you bring it into conscious awareness and feel and recognise your conflicting emotions (e.g. frustration, duty, guilt, resentment). Then once you allow yourself to feel those emotions, you can help to take care of yourself in whatever situation you find yourself facing.

Taking care of yourself might look like setting a boundary and saying no.
Or it might look like doing the thing anyway, but acknowledging that it sucks and being kind to yourself for having mixed feelings about it.

The important thing is to let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling about it. Let all your parts be heard and acknowledged by you. Because once you do that, the internal conflict lessens and so does your stress.

12/10/2025

Are you interested in learning about how to use IFS (parts work) with journalling for mindbody healing and emotional wellbeing?

My next workshop is on Saturday 8th November, 4pm - 6pm UK time (11am - 1pm EST)

I keep the group small to allow for connection and sharing as well as learning, so there are just 8 spots available.
Book your place here:
https://buytickets.at/phildelahayeifs/1903278

FULL DETAILS:
Get to know the different parts of yourself, to reduce distress and create more internal harmony.

Join with me (Phil de la Haye) and a small group of participants (maximum 8 people) to learn about the basic principles of Internal Family Systems, and how you can begin to use IFS to support a therapeutic journalling practice for mindbody wellness.

This workshop will offer the opportunity to:
* Learn the fundamental principles of IFS and how it can support a journalling practice
* Learn how parts can impact the body
* Explore your own parts through an experiential exercise
* Connect and share with me and the other folk in the group
�This is a live online workshop held on Zoom. No recording will be provided after the event, but you will receive copies of the slides and a handout based on the content.

I will be starting with the IFS basics, so no prior knowledge of IFS is required.
�This workshop will be focused on the emotional work of self-discovery and self-compassion. It's primarily aimed at folks who are already using journalling to support mindbody healing, so there is an assumption that you are already familiar with the mindbody approach.

Here’s what some of the previous participants had to say about it…

“Phil has a calm, authentic and empathic presence. I loved the sense of connection and community from the workshop. I also found the experiential exercise particularly powerful and helpful.”

“The class was informative AND restorative, very nice combination that left me feeling more connected to myself. Thank you!”

“I would thoroughly recommend this workshop to anyone who wants to gain a greater understanding or anyone without any knowledge on IFS. Phil’s calm compassionate approach puts you at ease, and I’m definitely going to be implementing this more into my healing routine.”

If you go to book and it's already full, there will be the opportunity to join a wait list in case any spots become available. If you'd like to be sure of hearing about any future offerings from me as soon as they become available, please sign up for my newsletter:
https://phildelahaye.com/e-book-email-signup/

10/10/2025

This is a really useful grounding technique, which can help you bring you (and young 'inner child' parts of you who may be stuck in the past) back to the present moment if you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. It’s a bit like a scavenger hunt for your senses.

Sit comfortably (if you can) and try and breathe slowly and evenly, then tune into your senses. Notice one thing at a time, and pay close attention to it for a few moments. Try and find:
5 different things you can see (things near you, things further away, out of a window if you’re indoors)
4 things you can hear (again - things close by, and more distant sounds)
3 things you can feel (air on your skin, your clothes, your body weight in your seat, your feet making contact with the ground)
2 things you can smell (the air around you, any particular scents you can notice?)
1 thing you can taste (just the taste inside your mouth at the time is fine)

When you’re finished, check in with how you feel. Hopefully something has shifted and you feel a little calmer and more connected with the present.

08/10/2025

How is journalling going to help me recover from chronic pain or other chronic symptoms?

It might sound like a weird way to try and help your symptoms, but emotional journalling can be a powerful way to dial down your ramped up nervous system; and this has the effect of turning down the dial on your symptoms too.

When I suggest journalling. I don’t mean just writing about the events of your day like a report. I recommend the kind of emotional brain dump that’s advocated by Nicole Sachs in her JournalSpeak method, and is supported by the research of Dr James Pennebaker. Let the different parts of you rage, or cry, or write your worst fears down. As you do this, try and stay with the feelings that come up and witness your own process.

Both during and afterwards try and offer yourself as much self-compassion and kindness as you can. Forgive yourself for whatever comes out. It can be helpful to pause, put your hand over your heart and take a slow breath if it start to feel too intense.

Delete/destroy your writing when you’re finished. That way you will feel safe enough not to censor yourself.

Regular journalling can help release cumulative stress. It will also help you have more self-awareness, and more self-compassion, because you’ll be listening to yourself instead of stuffing down all your feelings and ignoring them.

Journalling is a commitment to yourself and an act of true self-care, and it can be a powerful tool in healing from chronic pain or other stress related conditions.

06/10/2025

JOURNAL PROMPT: Explore your anxiety responses
How do you react when you’re anxious?
Do you rush around trying to fix things?
Do you shut down and withdraw?
Do you get angry and frustrated?
Or maybe you do a combination of all of these depending on the situation.

Have you ever thought about why you behave the way you do? How far back does this pattern go for you?

Your personal responses to anxiety will be strategies or 'parts' of you that took on these roles when you were young. They may have served you well in the past, but are they still serving you now?

As you bring awareness to these parts of you that react with instinctive unconscious responses of your nervous system (fight and flight, freeze, or shut down and collapse), you can pause, breathe and notice what’s happening with compassion. And in that moment of pause you have the power to consciously make a different choice if that feels more helpful for you.

03/10/2025

Resistance can sometimes manifest as physical symptoms.

This is why when people first start doing the emotional work to heal from chronic symptoms, things can sometimes feel worse at first.

When you start to journal, or meditate, or explore painful memories and patterns with a coach or therapist, there is often unconscious resistance from protective parts in us. And this resistance can show up as physical symptoms (either an increase of old ones, or as totally new ones).

I’ve seen this many times in my work with clients as well as experiencing it in my own body.

Symptoms will come and go during a session, especially when difficult emotions are coming to the surface. And sometimes after an emotional breakthrough, there can be a backlash of symptoms that come after.

If things get too intense, it’s okay to respect that protective response. We can slow down or take a pause from the deep emotional work. Focus on calming your nervous system and sending messages of safety. Sometimes we need a bit of time to consolidate and let things settle before diving back in to the hard stuff.

Healing is never linear. We’re doing a dance with resistance as we go through the process.
But don’t let the resistance scare you away altogether.