Phil de la Haye IFS

Phil de la Haye IFS Certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapist, Counsellor, and SIRPA Practitioner

In case you needed a reminder:Our amazing brains are totally capable of creating pain when there is no harm or injury to...
04/05/2026

In case you needed a reminder:
Our amazing brains are totally capable of creating pain when there is no harm or injury to our bodies. Our brains (or our parts, in IFS language) can create pain in response to fear, emotional hurt or other psychological distress.

All pain is real
Pain is a danger signal
All pain is created by the brain
Our brain makes a choice about whether pain is helpful or not
Sometimes our brain doesn't make great decisions because it's operating on old information - this is true for chronic pain

Authenticity is EverythingI spent 45 years trying to make myself into what everyone else thought I was supposed to be. I...
01/05/2026

Authenticity is Everything
I spent 45 years trying to make myself into what everyone else thought I was supposed to be. I don’t recommend it.

Being is an extreme example of this. But all of us sometimes suppress our authenticity in order to stay safe, or be accepted, or because we believe we’re not enough. Much of the time we’re not even conscious of doing it.

One of the ways this stifling of our authenticity can be communicated to us is through our body. It can come out as chronic pain or other symptoms.

What is your body trying to tell you about who you really are, and what you really want?
What parts of you are crying out to be heard or seen, or wanting something different?
Are you willing to listen?

Journal PromptParts of us learn core beliefs and ways of showing up in the world from our families of origin. We learn e...
29/04/2026

Journal Prompt
Parts of us learn core beliefs and ways of showing up in the world from our families of origin. We learn explicitly (by being told things) and implicitly (by observing).

Explicit learning might sound like:
“Be quiet. I’m busy!” - (can result in a belief of “I’m not important”)�
“Stop being a crybaby.” - (It’s not okay to show when I’m sad)
“Don’t argue with me!” - (It’s not okay to stand up for myself)
“You need to work harder at school.” - (I’m not good enough)

Implicit learning might look like:
Your parents judging other people on their appearance.
A sibling getting into trouble for arguing with your dad.
Seeing another kid being shamed at school for failing a test (we can learn our core beliefs from the wider world, not just within our family).

I invite you to consider what lessons you learned as a child. What core beliefs are you carrying around about yourself, and are they still serving you? What parts of you might be holding them? How old are the parts of you who took those beliefs on? What might help those parts of you feel ready to release those old beliefs and take in something new?

Mindbody Health Tip: Find your flow!Do something that allows you to access your flow state for five minutes a day. This ...
27/04/2026

Mindbody Health Tip: Find your flow!
Do something that allows you to access your flow state for five minutes a day. This allows you to be anchored in the present moment and helps reduce stress.

Flow is the state when we are happily absorbed in doing something we enjoy. It needs to be something you have to focus on, but something that’s not so challenging that it makes you feel stressed. Flow is a calm state.

If you’re not sure what will help you access flow, you could try some of the following suggestions:
drawing/doodling, jigsaws, crosswords, reading, listening to music, playing music, painting, colouring in, knitting, gardening etc.

How do you find your flow? Please share in a comment to give us all more ideas to try.

Healing starts and ends with youHow does it make you feel when you read that?When it comes to mindbody healing from chro...
24/04/2026

Healing starts and ends with you
How does it make you feel when you read that?
When it comes to mindbody healing from chronic symptoms nobody else can fix us. The biomedical model has its limits. It's great for helping with acute injuries, infections, or cancer. But it lets us down badly when it comes to conditions like chronic pain, fatigue, anxiety, depression etc.

The good news: You have everything you need to heal. Your power is within you. It’s always been there and all you have to do is provide the conditions for healing to occur.

The bad news:
You have to do the work! (I actually don't like calling it work because this makes it sound like a chore) But you *do* have to keep showing up for yourself. We are the only ones who can truly create that internal change.

This doesn't mean that support from others can't be helpful. Many of us benefit from the support of therapists, coaches, friends, and community. But none of those other people can help us if we aren't going to engage with the process of change and healing ourselves.

Consistent small steps are the way. When you show up for yourself on a regular basis things will start to change.

You’ve got this. Keep going. I’m in this with you, so this reminder is for me as much as you.
We can do it!

Gorgeous short walk... A Dartmoor detour on my way home from Cornwall. Brentor Church 🤩I nearly lost my hat in the wind ...
24/04/2026

Gorgeous short walk... A Dartmoor detour on my way home from Cornwall. Brentor Church 🤩
I nearly lost my hat in the wind 🤣

Let's get back to the mindbody basics with this quote from the wonderful Dr Howard Schubiner.With chronic pain, the fear...
22/04/2026

Let's get back to the mindbody basics with this quote from the wonderful Dr Howard Schubiner.

With chronic pain, the fear of symptoms helps perpetuate and amplify those symptoms.

This pain-fear cycle can feel like a downwards spiral, but it can be stopped and reversed. I’ve been there, and I’ve done that, and mindbody healing WORKS!

Check out my other posts for more info, or visit my website, where you can find links to resources:
https://phildelahaye.com/resources-chronic-pain/

Letting my inner kiddos out to play. They can't resist a tree climbing opportunity 🤩
22/04/2026

Letting my inner kiddos out to play. They can't resist a tree climbing opportunity 🤩

Beautiful in Cornwall 😍
21/04/2026

Beautiful in Cornwall 😍

Is it normal to feel more anxious when my symptoms start to improve?Yes.It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it does happe...
20/04/2026

Is it normal to feel more anxious when my symptoms start to improve?
Yes.
It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it does happen to a lot of people.

The mindbody symptoms you’ve been experiencing have been expressing your anxiety and distress through your body. They’ve also been a distraction and a focus for your anxiety. When you’re busy worrying about your migraines/backache/pelvic pain, you don’t have much headspace left for worrying about other things. So it makes sense that when your symptoms ease your anxiety may increase for a while.

Also, if the emotional work of journalling, coaching or therapy is part of your healing process, remember that you’re turning towards a lot of difficult emotions that you’ve been suppressing/avoiding for a long time. You’re opening that can of worms that had been sealed shut. So of course, your nervous system will see that as a threat, and increased anxiety can be a result.

Finally, from a nervous system perspective we can view chronic pain or fatigue as a chronic shut down or freeze response. And when we come out of the freeze response we naturally move through the highly activated state fight/flight before we get back to the calm state of rest/digest/connect. The increased anxiety that some people experience as part of recovery is your nervous system coming out of freeze and moving through fight/flight. It’s normal, and it will pass if you keep doing the work.

This is what it’s all about!Feeling our feelings is the key to mental and physical health.When you habitually suppress y...
17/04/2026

This is what it’s all about!
Feeling our feelings is the key to mental and physical health.

When you habitually suppress your emotions you suppress the ‘good’ ones too
(spoiler: there are no good or bad emotions, they are all important - just as there are "no bad parts" in IFS).
So if you want to be able to experience happiness and joy, you need to learn to feel the grief, anger, shame and emotional pain too.
They’re only feelings, they can’t hurt you.

The truth is that NOT feeling your feelings – that will hurt you. Literally, in the case of those of us who have suffered with, or who are suffering with chronic pain.

Q: Is it normal for my pain to get worse when I start journalling or doing deep emotional work in therapy?A: YES!It is t...
15/04/2026

Q: Is it normal for my pain to get worse when I start journalling or doing deep emotional work in therapy?
A: YES!
It is totally normal to experience an increase in symptoms when you first start engaging with mindbody healing work.
Think about it. If your pain is being produced by your brain (aka your 'parts' in IFS terms) because it believes you’re in danger due to all the emotions you’re repressing, it makes complete sense that symptoms can sometimes dial up when you start turning towards all those feelings you’ve been pushing away for so long.

It’s also quite common for old symptoms to pop up again, or for sensations to move to new parts of the body that haven’t been affected before. Your brain and nervous system can try all sorts of things to create resistance to doing the work if it thinks feeling your feelings is a threat to you.

Q: So what do I do about it?
A: Keep calm and carry on! But slow down and pace yourself if needed. You want it to be uncomfortable, but tolerable. If it's overwhelming then slow down and focus on nervous system regulation alongside the emotional work.
It can also be helpful to explore the fears of any parts that might be dialling up pain and symptoms.

Easier said than done of course, but keep soothing yourself and telling your brain that you’re safe.
They’re only sensations.
They won’t kill you.
They will pass.
Your brain just doesn’t know that yet.

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