Phil de la Haye IFS

18/03/2026

The words we use when talking about our symptoms are important, because they send powerful messages to the brain about how safe or unsafe we are.

I've decided my new favourite word to use instead of 'flare' is wave 🌊
It feels less negative and more accepting to say "I'm having a wave of symptoms" rather than using the F word 🔥

The visual image associated with a wave is cooler and more gentle (I’m imagining ocean swell rather than a tsunami). A wave passes through and there is calm and settling afterwards.

How does the sound of a ‘symptom wave' feel for you?
Do you have any preferred terms that help send a message of safety and acceptance to your brain when you're experiencing a TMS wave?

16/03/2026

How can I befriend and soothe pre-verbal or 'inner baby' parts?

The short answer: Re-parent them. Try to be with them from a
place of radical acceptance and self-compassion.

Our caregivers might not have been able to give us the safe, secure attachment that we needed when we were tiny. If that was the case, you may notice that these littlest parts feel distressed and lonely. They may be burdened with feelings or beliefs about being unloveable, or 'too much', or as if they did something wrong.

You may have other parts who want to avoid being with those feelings, and/or parts who want to rescue the baby. But swooping to rescue can sometimes bypass the baby's experience, which needs witnessing. So, ask those other parts to let YOU be with the baby.

These little ones communicate through sensations, emotions, and impulses because they can't use words. So tune into your body and see what you notice:
Maybe a sense of isolation, of longing, or a hunger for touch,
or a desire for food and comfort.
Maybe tension, distress, the urge to cry, shame.
Maybe a numbness or shutting down.

Ask your inner baby what they need and sense into it. When I hang out with my baby parts I do a lot of rocking, humming, hugging pillows, wrapping myself in a blanket… What would help your littlest parts feel safe and secure? They may not be able to answer with words, but just as a loving attuned parent can sense what a baby needs, you'll start to learn what your inner baby needs.

You can't talk a baby out of what it feels or believes. Babies don't understand words or logic. But you can love them and soothe them until new feelings and new beliefs begin to emerge naturally.

13/03/2026

WHAT ARE MIRROR SYMPTOMS?
This is when we experience a pain symptom on both sides of our body. For example you might have pain in one knee for a while, and then it moves to the other knee. Or pain in one hip, and then the other. Or pain that switches mysteriously from side to side.

This is a very common way for neuroplastic pain to manifest, so If this happens to you it’s an excellent sign that you’re dealing with a mindbody issue and NOT a structural problem.

This was exactly what happened to me. I had pain in my right shoulder that I thought was an overtraining injury. When that settled down, I had the exact same pain in my left shoulder a few months later for no apparent reason. My physio was as bemused by it as I was.

Now I know that the pain in that second shoulder (and probably the first too) was being created by my brain.

I’ve also had pain in both ankles at various points, both hips, both sides of my neck, both legs… but never both sides at the same time. The brain is so clever at moving symptoms around and keeping us in fear.

“What have I done to myself now?” was my constant question for years. Until I realised there is nothing physically wrong with me. I just had a nervous system that was on high alert and a brain that was great at sending pain signals - and these things can be changed.

Have you experienced mysterious mirror symptoms?

11/03/2026

Is it okay to journal about my symptoms?

This question comes up a lot. I think many folk in the mindbody community are confused about the concept of focusing on symptoms and what that means, and when it might be helpful or unhelpful.

It’s absolutely okay to write about your emotional response to your symptoms, and to write about how your symptoms impact your life, and all the things you're feeling because of that.

The whole point of journalling is to feel your feelings. And the experience of having chronic symptoms is a huge stressor in and of itself. Some people with a long history of chronic symptoms have a lot of medical trauma which needs to be processed. Ignoring the feelings you have about that isn't going to serve you because it would be yet more stuff you're repressing.

So it is completely okay, and often very helpful to write about how you FEEL about your symptoms.

For example: How have they impacted you? What are all the different emotions you have about that? anger, fear, grief, shame? (probably all of the above and more).

And as you write about all of this, try and bring loads of self-compassion to the process. Of course you have a lot of feelings about the symptoms you've been experiencing. Having chronic symptoms is truly awful, especially when you're in the thick of it and have no hope for recovery - and many of us were in that place for a long time (and still are when we begin a mindbody approach).

09/03/2026

When we’re engaged in the emotional work of mindbody healing, it can be easy to get stuck in feeling the emotions we generally judge as ‘bad’. We often work hard at learning to notice and feel things like sadness, fear, grief, guilt, shame, anger.

While teaching ourselves that it’s safe to feel these type of challenging emotions is a really important part of healing, sometimes we forget to notice and allow feelings like happiness, peace, connection, joy, pride, self-compassion, or hope.

It’s common for there to be parts of us that shy away from those feelings at first too. Maybe we learned in childhood that it wasn’t safe to feel happy, or hopeful, or to recognise and feel our own self-worth. Maybe we have a fear that by feeling it, we then have more to lose when it passes.

But if we live our lives denying our moments of joy, connection, and worthiness we are missing out on so much.

So, when you notice these ‘good’ feelings rising in you, pause, embrace them, and let them flow through you. Tell yourself that it’s safe to feel these things too.
And if you notice parts of you trying to block happiness, optimism and hope… get curious about those parts, and see if they’re willing to try and relax so you can let yourself feel the good stuff.

Does this resonate for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

06/03/2026

Structural ‘abnormalities’ DO NOT correlate with pain.
This is so important to understand.

Studies show us that there is no correlation between findings on scans and back pain.
In a study of pain-free people, the researchers found that 78.7% of them had visible spinal degeneration.
These people weren't experiencing any pain at all despite what could be seen on imaging results.
(Matsumoto 2013)

Many of these so-called abnormalties can be seen on scans or X rays of people who are not experiencing pain at all - such as the young athletes in these studies.�
These ‘normal abnormalities’ tend to increase with age. But they do not have to cause you pain, and with mindbody techniques it’s usually possible to reduce or eliminate your pain without the need for surgery.

04/03/2026

What is your pain trying to tell you? ⁠
If a current stressor is triggering a past trauma (aka activating wounded and/or or protective parts in us), this can cause symptoms in the body.⁠
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As we learn to understand our current triggers and our emotional responses in the context of our past experiences and our programming, we can change our brains. We can bring in a sense of safety and can defuse that automatic response that creates symptoms.⁠

Suggested journal prompts:
What is your pain warning you about? If it could use words - what would it be saying to you?⁠
What do you need to say to your pain to reassure it that you’re safe now?⁠
⁠

02/03/2026

In mindbody healing we make a lot of effort to feel our emotions and process some of the anger, grief, fear, guilt etc that we have stored in our systems. Airing that and letting it go is an important part of healing. Many of us do this through journalling, and ‘rage on the page’ on a regular basis.

But if all you ever do is ladle out the crap, you end up feeling empty and drained. So this is where it’s important to remember to not only scoop out the bad stuff, but to refill that space we’ve created inside ourselves with the good stuff: joy, fun, self-compassion, self-love.

Some suggestions:
Do a self-compassion meditation
Use positive affirmations
Make plans with a friend (or just call someone you love)
Do something fun for your inner child
Get out in nature and look for the beauty in the world

What’s your favourite way of refilling your reservoir with the good stuff?

27/02/2026

The amygdala is where we store emotional memories. These may be preverbal and unconscious but they were laid down to keep us safe. ⁠
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Our triggers in the present - things that make us (or parts of us) react in ways that seem out of proportion to the event - are always related to these hurts in the past.⁠
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Someone turning away from you when you want their attention might activate the intense pain of rejection from one of our wounded parts and/or the anger of a protector. ⁠
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Someone touching you on the shoulder unexpectedly might paralyse you with fear.⁠
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Someone giving you feedback in the workplace might send you into a spiral of self-criticism and fears of not being good enough (a critical part and an exile who is full of shame).
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When we unpack the past and learn to understand our triggers, our vulnerable spots, our Achilles’ heels… then we can forgive ourselves for our reactions, develop self-compassion, and heal the wounds of the past that are showing up in our bodies as pain in the present. ⁠
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25/02/2026

Why does exercise cause me pain if I don’t have a physical injury?⁠
Exercise triggers mindbody pain for two reasons:⁠
Because it's a conditioned response⁠
Because it’s triggering some unconscious emotional response or conflict⁠ between different parts in your system
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In both cases your nervous system perceives exercise as dangerous, and you need to teach it that exercise is safe.⁠
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A conditioned response means your expectation of pain is activating the pain fear cycle. Fear that exercise will cause pain makes your brain create the pain (because pain is a danger signal from the brain).⁠
You deal with this by gradually increasing the amount of exercise you do. At the same time use lots of self soothing, self talk, affirmations of safety etc. Tell your unconscious brain you’re fine and it will turn down the danger signal.⁠
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If exercise is creating unconscious emotions or conflict, you need to try and bring this into conscious awareness. Try exploring the different parts of you that come up around exercise. What is your internal chatter like on the subject? Is there a part of you that’s competitive? Is there a critical voice that berated you for not running far/fast enough in the past? Have you ever used exercise to control your weight or try and change your appearance? Is there any unconscious resistance, shame, or fear of failure that might be driving symptoms? Once you work out what’s going on, you can address the emotions that might be causing the symptoms.⁠
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24/02/2026

I'm just re-sharing this new group that I co-created with two friends and colleagues.
We have nearly 300 members now, and I'm really enjoying the connection and conversations that are taking place there. Please come and join us if you're interested in the mindbody connection (and in connecting with other people who share that interest) 💚🌿
Join us here:
Living the Work: Mindbody Connection

💚I'm excited to announce that I've co-created a new Facebook group with some much loved colleagues of mine, Justine MindBody OT and Kat Gemson.

This group will have a general mindbody healing focus and we hope that there will be lots of discussion and peer support. Please come and join the conversation here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/livingthework/

Group description:
"Founded by Justine Stull - Mindbody OT (she/her), Kat Gemson (she/her), and Phil de la Haye (he/him). This group is for those dedicated to relieving chronic pain and neuroplastic symptoms through developing relationships with ourselves and others.

We welcome both individuals navigating their own practice and practitioners working in this space into community and shared conversation around “Living the Work.”

The group’s founders are a healthcare practitioner, an educator, and a therapist who have lived experience with mindbody symptoms. This is a trauma-informed space, and we aim to be inclusive of diversity of all kinds."

23/02/2026

See previous posts for an overview of the whole wheel and the other quadrants. This is the final post in the series.

THE WIDER SYSTEMS QUADRANT

We often hear that healing is an inside job—and there’s truth in that (see the Heart quadrant). Inner work is an essential part of recovery.

But we don’t heal in isolation. Each of us exists within a complex web of wider systems: relationships, families, communities, workplaces, institutions, and culture. These external systems can support us, challenge us, or sometimes overwhelm us.

While we usually can’t change or control these systems, an important part of healing is learning how to support ourselves as we engage with them.

Loneliness can drive symptoms because isolation feels unsafe. We all need connection to thrive. At the same time, relationships filled with conflict, pressure, or unpredictability can also feel unsafe. Healing often involves seeking and maintaining relationships that feel supportive or “good enough.”

This is where boundaries matter.
Checking in with your needs.
Communicating them when it feels safe.
Learning to say no (and caring for the parts of you that struggle with this).
Making space for intentional self-care.
And, when necessary, limiting contact with toxic or abusive relationships while gently adjusting expectations.

Connection matters both internally and externally. Cultivate relationships with supportive, like-minded people, and remember that connection can also come through pets, nature, creativity, spirituality, and community. Notice what helps you feel grounded and connected, and make time for more of it.

Recommended resources
🎧 You Make Sense podcast with Sarah Baldwin
📘 How to Do the Work by Nicole LePera