27/04/2023
When does being helpful become unhelpful?
I am wondering what your initial reaction to this post was. Most get upset or angry at the suggestion to stop trying to be so helpful. After all, being there for someone we love and care about is the bedrock of human relationships, and suggesting we stop trying to be so helpful might feel uncaring and mean.
When we see someone we love struggling, it is a deeply human response to want to help, and we are by no means suggesting that you stop altogether, but sometimes pulling back, and trying less can be more caring.
From my own personal experience, at some of the most difficult points in my life, having someone that was so helpful made me feel worse, an even bigger failure. Don’t get me wrong, I was grateful, but at the time it felt as if it magnified what a failure I was, rather than providing the intended and well-meaning support. Those helpful comments ‘it’s not so bad’ or ‘it will be better soon’ were things I couldn’t even hear, never mind hold on to, it didn’t provide the hope that was intended. Sometimes it even felt a judgement, a harsh judgement, that I wasn’t doing enough to ‘get myself out of it’ when I was fighting with every ounce of my being to get through the next 5 minutes, never mind an hour or a day…..
Sometimes being so helpful, or indeed too helpful, can have the opposite impact on a person struggling. Getting the balance right between being supportive and rescuing can be challenging. And indeed, sometimes we can start to drown too. Our desperation to see our loved one in a better place and take a toil too. Brené Brown shares beautifully the difference between sympathy and empathy “Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection” Sometimes when we desperately need empathic understanding, and we get sympathy, it can feel like the person helping might think there is a magic response to alleviate all our pain and suffering. Indeed, she further states ‘rarely can a response make something better” and “what makes something better is connection”.
Sometimes being so helpful is about our own discomfort and pain, seeing someone we love suffer, experiencing the impact of that, and how we can quickly get them or ourselves away from it. I read this somewhere many years ago and it really resonated with me ‘Never in the history of telling someone to feel better has it made them feel better’, it was an ouch moment, but a truth I recognised about my own experiences too.
Some of the most helpful help I’ve received in my journey through life has been when someone sat alongside me, there was no troubleshooting, no shared words of wisdom, there was more silence, more space to just be, to start to wrap my head around the enormity of what I was experiencing and feeling. I didn’t have to justify, label, or explain, I could just be, and take a breather from fighting my external battles of trying to please and appease those that were being so helpful. It might have felt odd to most that I needed to focus my energy on the internal battles and demons, because to many that might have looked as if I was wallowing.
Having someone alongside me, in empathy, gave me space to face those battles and demons, that though scary, there were important messages and things I need to hear and face, and being as gentle as those people who sat alongside me were with me, I could tentatively start to make changes and see a clink of light at the end of the tunnel. I was blessed that those people never rushed me in the process, giving me space and time to feel and process some very difficult things.
It is through receiving truly empathic responses that I am able do the same for those I work with, and time and time again, I see how the baton of empathy passes on in their lives. I am so grateful for those empathic and mostly silent bystanders in my life, the space and peace you provided was life-changing.
I would be interested in your thoughts on this. Do you recognise yourself in this? Are you struggling and feeling lost and alone, or burning out trying to be there for someone? Please do share your experiences if you can.
Thanks Isabel The Therapy Space Arundel