22/03/2026
Hello👋🏻,
It seems such a long time since I posted a life post.
I think constantly throughout the day and night to be honest about so many things I would like to share, but by the time I get time to write ✍🏻, my brain is worn out and I can't reface my thoughts 💬.
I am sure many of you can identify with that!
I am a mother, an empath, a carer, a fund raiser, a public speaker, a manager, a fixer, a shoulder, an educator, a listener...I hope..., a good daughter, respect my elders, and so much more, as most women I think tend to be in life!🤷🏻
No one has their sorrows to seek and it's all relative.
As Tom Hanks once said in his 1994 movie Forest Gump,
Mama always said,
" Life is like a box of chocolates🍫, you never know what your gonna get!"
However, I never had any expectations to be honest, I have always just taken whatever roll of the dice was thrown at me, dealt with it all the best I could and waited for the next thing to come along, and waited I have honestly done.
I have been holding my breath for so long now, I do believe it's getting the better of me.
In my life I have never asked why me, I have never felt sorry for myself, never felt anyone owed me anything and believed no one gave you anything for nothing, no matter what I have had to face.
I on the other hand have always thought why not me, it's life, things happen and you only have two options I think 🤔, you deal with it all the best way you know how to, or you give up and what happens then to all those others that maybe affected by that.
However, I truly believe that there are times when some no longer can see a way out, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no way for them and I do not judge!
I think the holding my breath thing happened the day after my little boy Michael died, being a spokesperson for the British Bone Marrow Donor Appeal at that time, unknown to me it was all over the news by the time I got home that evening.
I just couldn't believe how the press got the information,no called or spoke to me, or asked if it was ok.
I know the founder of the appeal called me and asked if I might give my permission for the press to be involved in the moving of Michael from the house to the hearse and because I thought it would help the Appeal I agreed to that.
Anyway, I remember coming home to tell mummy not to worry ,everything would be ok, well I didn't want her to be sad as she had lost two of her own little boys.
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't lie down, so in the early hours of the morning I thought 🤔 I would take a walk in the quiet, in the silence of the day to try and think about all that had just happened, to visit my absolute grief and devastation, that hole so big in my soul I thought I would die.
I wanted the world to stop, just for a little while until I caught up and I am so sure that many of you will have experienced the same thing in the face of death and loss.
I never had that time and have never taken it since.
As I walked along the promenade, I saw my history teacher from school coming the other way.
I cannot tell you what either of us said, but I always remember feeling that I couldn't let him see me crying.
I swallowed my pain and have been swallowing ever since.
It really is a physical thing you know, it tightens the back of your throat and when the pain of grief starts to move within you, you have to swallow so hard just to hold it all down.
I know people say a good cry does you good, personally speaking it would leave me feeling like a 10 ton truck just ran over me.🤦🏻
Or it's good to talk, I don't disagree with that but again personally speaking I have no problem speaking about all of the tragedies in my life, but I have lived them and reliving them again by talking.
When you are holding all of your grief in places to allow yourself to still try and live and present some kind of normality, you can't afford to let anything open up the chasm deliberately.🤦🏻
In the main I do it well, but as they say life always has a way of doing it's thing I guess.
I find with my life as it is at the moment, everything and anything triggers the doors to my pain.
It is my job daily to swallow down on that tightening in my throat as much as I can.
This week my wonderful guys from class ask how I am, the fact that they care about me makes me emotional, how can I with all they have to deal with in their daily lives then throw anything of mine into the mix?
Well I just can't.
They are all a wonderful group of people from every class, they save me everyday I am with them.
They give me respite, while I worry about all of them, in all of my classes, every week, I am lifted away from my grief and newer reality that I live and transported to a clearer mind, a place of freedom, a space to breathe.
I see them, I am all about how and what they are doing, they are feeling, about their needs, what I can help with at any given class and I am grateful for everyone of them.
I know they know I care about them all, because they tell me and I am proud of them, what they have achieved, and what they know they can achieve.
I will never forget Mel from class telling some time back, that my classes are more than just classes, that I have built a community and when I see all those who come to classes, who had never met any of the others before, just chatting to each other, laughing together, I now believe what she said and I thank her for it🙏🏻
The burdens of life are sometimes so heavy 🪨 we fell we can never overcome them, that they will break us for good.
As I have told you all never give up, I know that it is easier said than done, but we have to keep trying ,we have to keep reaching for the light 🕯️, if we can.
You are stronger than you think.
I just want to end my post by saying thank you for now and always to all my people who attend my classes, who have attended them.... over the many years and who may attend in the future, I am there for you, as you have been for me, even on those days when I am swallowing hard not to let anyone see.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend 🫂 and keep your hearts up, as best you can.
Remember tomorrow is another day, it may not seem much different than the one today but keep your hope alive.
Lot's of love 💖 xx