21/05/2025
We have probably all experienced shame at some point. It's an emotional response that tends to be felt physically before our brain even clocks what's going on.
Shame is a very different emotion from Guilt.
Guilt is "I did an awful thing", Shame is "I am an awful person"
Shame is first experienced (often when we are very small) when we do something wrong, and we are made to feel like it is who we are, not what we have done that is the problem. It is often accompanied by the punishment or ridicule of parents, teachers or peers, and can result in embarrassment and humiliation.
The problem is that if we experience that shame from others frequently enough, we begin to believe this message that there is something fundamentally wrong with who we are - and then in the cruelest twist of fate, we learn to shame ourselves. This cycle then reinforces itself every time we make a mistake whether it's at work, in relationships or social interactions
What's more - because these are the parts of ourselves that we believe are awful, and we don't want others to see them, we keep them hidden to protect ourselves from how others would respond. Shame is the vampire of emotions - it likes to live in the dark, keep you prisoner, and drain you.
But there is hope. It is absolutely possible to heal from shame - but it is tremendously hard, because it requires you to do the one thing all your instincts are telling you not to - which is to shed light on it - bring the vampire out into the open and watch it dissolve.
It's hard because you have to be vulnerable enough to show someone those bits of you you fear others will judge you for - which is why picking the right person for this process is so key. The person who helps you heal from shame will listen to you, will not judge you, and will offer you compassion. Shame fundamentally CANNOT survive empathy.
Even when we have made mistakes, said things we don't mean, or done things we aren't proud of, it doesn't generally mean we are awful people. You might have made an unkind remark in a moment of frustration, but that doesn't mean you are unkind. There will have been many other times you have said kind things - often to the same person!
This isn't an excuse to go around treating people badly, but when you do screw up (to err is human!) and you get that uncomfortable physical response, here's what you can do:
Separate what you did from who you are as a person.
Offer yourself compassion.
Recognising where you went wrong and offer yourself empathy as to why
Make amends
Learn from it without punishing yourself.
The more you do it, the easier it gets and the less the cycle reinforces itself. If you need support or help with this process, please get in touch.
www.kingsclerecounsellingservice.co.uk
