Men's Advisory Project

12/12/2025

How to regain control or the feeling you are regaining control - post a relationship with an abuser.

Focus on behaviour, not emotion

Do not engage in discussions about whether they are abusive. They have every excuse under the sun and will try to make you believe you are to blame for everything they do to grind you down.

1. Focus solely on the impact of their actions.

Be specific and factual: Instead of saying, "You seem angry/abusive and are bullying or threatening me," say, "When you interrupt me/constantly text me/ shout or scream at me [action], it prevents me from ....[impact]"

Use "I" Statements: Frame discussions around your experience to keep the focus on the situation: "I need to be able to finish my work without interruption to meet this deadline."

2. Set clear and consistent boundaries
Bullying and abusive behaviours often push or stretch boundaries. Re-establish and enforce yours consistently.

Communicate clearly: If they speak over you, calmly state, "I was not finished speaking. Please let me finish this point".

Maintain composure: Bullies and abusers often feed off emotional reactions. Practice staying calm and composed.

Practice "Grey Rock": Keep your interactions to a bare minimum, polite, to the point and transactional. Provide minimal personal information and emotion to make you a less rewarding target for their behaviours.
Practice STOP and only observe how you are feeling and the impact their behaviour is having on you. Do not react emotionally.

3. Document everything
Documentation is your most powerful tool, especially if you need to involve police or social services to protect you and others. Keep a detailed, private log of all abusive and controlling interactions.

Log Incidents: Record the date, time, location, what was said (verbatim if possible), who witnessed it, and the impact the behaviour had on you or others in your company or care.
Log incidents with Police.
Log incidents with the Men's Advisory Project.
Speak to your GP about these behaviours and the impact they are having on you.

Communicate via email: Shift important communications to email or if this is not possible to messaging, whenever possible. This creates a paper trail and ensures expectations are clear and well documented.

4. Manage the interactions
Keep it in public: Try to have necessary conversations in public places, ideally well covered by CCTV, door bell cams or dash cams and within earshot of others, this can sometimes curb the worst of violent and abusive behaviours .

Limit contact: Interact with the abuser only when absolutely necessary to do so.

5. Seek support and guidance
You do not have to handle this situation alone.
Talk to specialists: Once you have a log of documentation showing a pattern of behaviours that negatively impact on you and your functioning, approach the Police Service of Northern Ireland.
Present the documented incidents factually as abuse.

Seek external advice: Talk to a trusted colleague, or specialist professional counsellor to help you manage the stress and develop effective coping mechanisms.
The key is to remain composed, prioritise documentation, and protect your own well-being while seeking official channels to manage an unmanageable and abusive personality.

You can get 24hr support from Domestic & Sexual Abuse Helpline Housing Executive and of course PSNI.
Also please call MAP and leave a message or email us for help and support on info@mapni.co.uk

05/12/2025

Theo's abuse toward Todd and their relationship has been brilliantly depicted by Coronation Street

It can be incredibly difficult for people to shift their understanding around domestic abuse - to understand that anyone can become a victim.

Coronation Street have again done a brilliant job in educating the country. Their spotlighting the abuse many men face - from other men or women is a vital step to having men viewed as vulnerable and having their injuries, psychological or physical taken seriously. Thank you ITV 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

In NI one in three victims of abuse known to police in NI are men. This is thousands of men every year - year on, year on, year.

If this is happening to you contact Police Service of Northern Ireland or call the Domestic & Sexual Abuse Helpline at any time for help and support.
You will be treated kindly because you and your safety matters - do not listen to whatever your abuser has said or threatened. There are better days to come.

Theo is about to leave for work when Todd says he's going to check on Summer after her hypo the day before. Not wanting anyone to spot Todd's head injury and start asking questions, Theo convinces him to stay inside, threatening to tell everyone that Todd's in London.

03/12/2025

🔹 Have You Experienced Domestic Abuse?
Are you a man aged 18+ living in Northern Ireland?
Whether you are heteros*xual, gay, or bis*xual - cisgender or transgender - single or in a relationship: if you have experienced domestic abuse or coercive control from an adult partner, ex-partner, or adult family member, you may be eligible to take part.

QUB - School of Psychology are conducting confidential one-to-one interviews with men who have experienced domestic abuse.
Share your story: whether you spoke out, sought help (or didn’t), and your experiences navigating support.

Your voice can help improve future services and raise awareness.

🕒 Interviews last around 60 minutes
✅ Confidential
✅ Online or in person
Interested or want to learn more?
📧 Email: mpollakova01@qub.ac.uk
🔗 Or express interest here: [[https://forms.office.com/e/6F7WtYNkhM]]

📍 Queen’s University Belfast | School of Psychology

03/12/2025

Today we welcome the launch of the Commissioner for Victims of Crime Northern Ireland (CVOCNI) ‘Totally Invisible’ report on children's experiences of domestic violence and their engaging with the private law, family court process in Northern Ireland (NI).

We endorse recommendations for domestic violence and abuse training for all court professionals, requirements which have been set out in the Domestic Abuse and Civil Proceedings Act (NI) 2021.

At MAP we believe children and young people must be assured that their views are listened to, to ensure that the court's every decision supports the child’s safety, wellbeing, and best interests.

We want to thank the Victim's Commissioner Geraldine Hanna and her team for all the work they have done to give voice to victims and victim experiences by commissioning Northern Ireland research.

03/12/2025

Mark, a 38-year-old father of two, had been in a relationship for 13 yrs. His partner’s behaviour gradually became controlling, but because it wasn’t physical, he struggled to recognise it as abuse.

The coercive control Mark experienced included:

* Isolation: His partner repeatedly accused him of “putting his friends and family first,” leading him to stop seeing anyone.
* Financial control: She demanded access to all his accounts, monitored every transaction, and made him ask permission to spend money, even on lunch at work.
* Monitoring and surveillance: She insisted on checking his phone, emails, and even tracked his location through an app she put on his phone.
* Verbal and emotional degradation: Daily criticism “You’re useless,” “Nobody else would put up with you” this left him doubting his own competence.
* Manipulation involving the children: She told the children that “Daddy doesn’t care about you/me/us” whenever he disagreed with her, which made him fearful of conflict and worried for the kids.

Long-Term Impact on Mark

Over time, the abuse took a significant toll:

Psychological Impact

* Chronic anxiety, fearing how she would react when he came home.
* Low self-worth, believing her narrative that he was “a bad father.”
* Confusion about reality, because she repeatedly denied or minimised incidents (“You’re imagining things,” “You’re too sensitive”).
* Social withdrawal, ashamed to tell anyone what was happening.

Physical and Practical Impact

* Sleep problems, migraines, and constant exhaustion from stress.
* Reduced work performance, which led to a written warning from his employer.
*Loss of control of his finances, leaving him with little sense of independence.

Impact on His Children

Even though the children were never directly harmed, the atmosphere affected them deeply.

* The children became anxious, especially when arguments erupted.
* His son started acting out at school, copying the tone and words he heard at home.
* His daughter became unusually withdrawn, afraid to express her needs and feelings.
* The children began to feel responsible for keeping the peace.
* There was confusion and distress at seeing their father constantly belittled.

Mark worried that this environment was shaping their understanding of safety and relationships.

How the Men’s Advisory Project Helped

Mark eventually contacted the Men’s Advisory Project after seeing a leaflet at his GP surgery. He described feeling “embarrassed but desperate.” during his first call.

What MAP Provided

1. A non-judgmental space
For the first time, Mark heard someone say: “What you’re describing is abuse. It isn’t your fault.”

That alone brought Mark relief.

2. Education about coercive control
The counsellors helped him understand patterns of abuse and how they were affecting him. This clarity allowed him to rebuild his confidence and recognise how to build and hold boundaries.

3. Safety planning
MAP worked with him to create a plan for emotional and practical safety, including how to respond to escalations at home and how to document incidents.

4. Therapeutic counselling
He learned to challenge internalised guilt, rebuild his self-esteem, and manage anxiety.

5. Support around fatherhood
MAP helped him understand how to protect his children emotionally and maintain healthy relationships with them.

Positive Changes After Support

Within several months, Mark began to see significant improvements:

For Mark

* He regained confidence and recognised that he deserved respect.
* He felt liberated from the belief that he had caused the abuse.
* His anxiety reduced, he performed better at work, and he reconnected with friends.
* He set clearer boundaries, and eventually chose to separate in a safe, planned way.

For His Children

* They became calmer and more emotionally secure.
* Mark learned healthier communication skills and was able to model the stability he and his kids had lost.
* The children started opening up about their own feelings, trusting that Mark could support them and they were safe to do so.
* The kids no longer felt responsible for managing the mood of the home.

Mark said:

“MAP gave me my life back. They helped me see that what I’d been living with wasn’t normal, and that asking for help wasn’t weakness. It changed me and it changed my kids’ lives too.”

If you need help give us a call 02890 241929/ 02871 160001 or email on info@mapni.co.uk

For 24hr support
Police Service of Northern Ireland
Housing Executive
Domestic & Sexual Abuse Helpline

01/12/2025

From one dad/da to another, please read this

Three years ago, I walked into Men’s Advisory Project absolutely broken. I was being abused by my partner and I was terrified I was going to lose my kids. Honestly, I thought my life as a dad was finished. There were so many times where I felt completely hopeless.

My mental health was all over the place during those three years. Some weeks I felt like I was coping, other weeks I could barely get through the day. I didn’t always believe things would ever get better. But MAP stuck with me the whole way.

The men’s groups made a massive difference. Just being in a room (or a call) with other blokes who actually got it helped more than I can explain. Talking openly, hearing their stories, sharing mine, it made me feel less alone. And when we were all stuck in our own heads, there were always counsellors there to help us slow things down and make sense of the worst fears.

Some of the things my ex threatened did actually happen. She said she would accuse me of abuse and she did. But because I had already told MAP about those fears and her threats, and because I’d been keeping records like they advised, there was proof. My GP had also been documenting what was going on while helping me with tablets to get me through the worst of the anxiety and depression before I was strong enough to leave. All of that really mattered in the end.

Right now, I have my son and my daughter five nights a week (they are 14 and 12. I know you'll need to know that). At the start, I never in a million years thought that this would be possible. Back then, I was just scared I’d never see them again. Now I get school nights, homework, dinners, bedtimes, dog walks and untidy rooms all the normal stuff I once thought I’d lost for good.

I’m posting this for any man who feels trapped, scared, or broken right now:

Talking about it really does help
Accepting support is not weakness
Keeping records matters
Getting MAP and their counsellors involved matters
Telling your GP and the police matters

And yes even the simple things like a cup of tea and someone listening at MAP made a difference when I felt at my lowest.

There were times it felt unbelievably bleak. But it did get better.

So if you’re reading this and you’re right in the middle of it please hold on.
And please try to believe that things really can change.

Police Service of Northern Ireland
Housing Executive
Domestic & Sexual Abuse Helpline

29/11/2025

Our colleagues in The ManKind Initiative have highlighted the recent ONS survey of England and Wales.
These are self reported crimes and not a reliance on police crime statistics and the additional difficulties victims of crime may face skewing the numbers.
These numbers are deeply troubling.

1 in 5 men have been a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime
Men are 42% of victims

The numbers are huge and horrifying as they speak about people and families facing abuse from people they love.

We must do something to solve this abuse for all of society - we need a Strategy to end all Violence toward Men and Boys.

Northern Ireland Assembly Gordon Lyons MLA Communities NI Department of Health NI Danny Donnelly - Alliance Robbie Butler MLA Colm Gildernew MLA Linda Dillon MLA Diane Forsythe MLA

27/11/2025

Celebrate this brilliant teaching. Accentuating positives. Engaging with each child directly. Correcting gently after praise. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
If we taught everyone like this what might the results be?

26/11/2025

Many men and boys live with long-term impacts after experiencing domestic abuse.

For some, the effects show up as anxiety, depression, or other mental-health challenges that can linger long after the abuse has ended.
For others, the pain and trauma lead to coping in the only ways they feel they can, sometimes through the misuse of alcohol or other substances, simply trying to quiet what feels overwhelming to them.

It’s important to remember that men and boys of all ages can be affected by domestic abuse too. And just like anyone else, they deserve understanding, compassion, and a specialist services to allow and encourage them reach out for help. No one should carry that weight alone.

We really need our Assembly to recognise the needs of men and boys who have faced abuse. Once recognised they must also fund services to actually make a difference to those men's lives. This is a life and death matter.

The Department of Health NI must recognise and respond to these men's very real therapeutic needs by ensuring access to adequate, specialist support services.
At the same time, Communities NI needs to invest in meaningful supports that help people to live safely, happily, and healthily in their own homes.
Without this direct and dedicated support, the gaps will remain or widen with too many lives damaged, destroyed, or lost.

At the Men’s Advisory Project, we’re here to listen, support, and encourage survivors on their journey toward safety and healing.
We are simply not adequately funded to do the work we want and need to the walk alongside men as they heal and offer them all the services they need.

If you or someone you know needs support after domestic abuse, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. No one has to face this alone. 💙

Northern Ireland Assembly Diane Forsythe MLA Linda Dillon MLA Danny Donnelly - Alliance Gordon Lyons MLA Robbie Butler MLA Diana Armstrong MLA Colm Gildernew MLA Pam Cameron MLA Kellie Armstrong MLA
Housing Executive

24/11/2025

Breaking the bonds of isolation: You’re not alone

For many men who have experienced domestic abuse, the hardest wounds aren’t always the visible ones they’re the silent barriers of isolation, shame, and fear put in place by the abuser. Abuse tells you to stay quiet. It convinces you that you won’t be believed, it threatens you and leaves you believing that no one will understand.

But here’s the truth: you are not alone, and what happened to you is not your fault.

Reaching out can feel like the hardest step, but it can also be the most freeing. Whether you’ve just begun to name your experience or have carried it for years, specialist support is here for you which is confidential, respectful, and without judgment.

At the Men’s Advisory Project, we help men and boys rebuild connection, safety, and self-worth. Talking to someone who understands you can be the lifeline that breaks isolation’s grip.

If you need to talk, if you need to be heard, or if you simply need someone to walk alongside you:

📞 Call us: 028 7116 0001/02890 241929
💬 info@mapni.co.uk
🌐 Visit: mapni.co.uk

Reaching out is a sign of courage and strength.
You deserve support. You deserve safety. You deserve to heal.

Northern Ireland Executive Northern Ireland Assembly Department of Health NI Public Health Agency Armagh, Banbridge and Craigavon PCSP Mid & East Antrim PCSP Belfast PCSP Antrim and Newtownabbey PCSP Derry & Strabane PCSP Ards and North Down PCSP Newry, Mourne & Down PCSP Causeway Coast & Glens PCSP

20/11/2025

Surviving domestic abuse should one day lead to a beginning of something safe and filled with love.