Thoughts of a Chaotic Mind.

22/12/2022

20/12/2022

If there's something I've noticed, it's that everyone around me is building a life with someone.
They've all found that person to start the holidays with. Someone to start fresh. A clean slate.
I'm gunna be alone again this year.
At one point I thought I was actually okay being alone. Instead, I'm not okay.
I'm here looking at people with either a partner or a family to be with.
Maybe I'm just not meant for people.

14/12/2022

It's starting to hurt when I cry.

14/12/2022

If there's anything I hate more than anything, it's silence.
It's where every demon comes out to play.
It's here that my thoughts choose to manipulate me.
It's the place I find myself shrinking.
The worst part is that you know there are people that used to say "I care about you" but you know wouldn't even answer a message from you. Let alone even bother reaching out to you.
The point I'm making is that I miss so many people and I've been cut off from others too. And I'm alone now.
More alone than I've ever been in my life.
I don't know what to do.
I'm so fu***ng lost.
So sick of everything.
My mind won't let me do anything.
I wish I could be saved.

08/12/2022

I'm gunna start writing more on here. Hope some other people can start relating to this pent up frustration I have.
But right now, I've never felt so alone.
The ones who respond to me with sarcasm and never honesty.
No one takes or replies to my calls or texts and it's like something has happened and I have no answer for it. I can't think of what I've done which has caused everyone to cut me off.
It hurts so much that you're supposed to just suck it up and get on with life but it's a horrible feeling.
The people I trusted and counted on just ignore me.. I don't get it. I'm so fu***ng angry at it.

05/12/2022

I'm scared my time is coming.
Like a feeling. One I can't get rid of.
Yet no one would even know.
Not for a while.
I'm fu**ed.

28/11/2022

My soul yearns for it's missing piece. Has been for years.
I've never had the pleasure of uniting the pieces. I've been stretched thin with hope failing.
I need to know the finish line.
My soul needs it's companion.

25/11/2022

The thing I've figured out about loneliness is that no one knows how quickly it can destroy you.
I've tried socialising and it's still gotten me no friends.
I always wake up to no notifications.
I go to sleep without a word from anyone.
Anyone I've reached out to left me on read.
The closest people I have to me are the people I work with and barely any of them accept the way I am which is a fu**ed situation.
I am in silence more than anyone around me.
Yet somehow I'm just not worthy or interesting enough for anyone to even care for.
So you cut people off. You spend time alone
Because at least the loneliness doesn't make you feel so alone. Yet you are.
Loneliness is a place you become very cathartic.
You find yourself in this mindset of what people created of you or want to feel about you. In that space, you've lost yourself. But that's okay. It's a stepping stone to rebuild.
So you start changing the way you look, the way you feel, the things you enjoy doing, and all of a sudden, the people that were your "friends" magically disappear..
You never had friends. You had people creating a version of you that they wanted.
But then your depressive episodes hit you like a freight train when you're alone.
Even when finding yourself, you're reminded that you have no one. There's not a single person you could call that would be there anytime for you. Or maybe you do? Maybe you're lucky to have that one human. Or animal.
You start overthinking.
"You're alone. You'll always be alone" on repeat.
Left with voids in your heart of people that have trampled their way through and never apologised for their actions.
Left with thoughts that make you wish you didn't have to wake up tomorrow.
Thoughts that know there's no point having any expectations of a message being written to you.
Loneliness is a place you can't get out of.
You just hide it with lies.
I'm in that place.
I am so fu***ng lonely and it's killing me.
And yet, I know no one would even notice if I was gone tomorrow.
That's what gets to me the most.

17/11/2022

On the day I tried to unkill myself, my parents put their issues aside and finally opened their eyes to what they were oblivious to.
Their firstborn was who they never even knew would leave the world before them.
When he knew that they wouldn't even notice he was gone until they were called by the emergency services.
The ongoing battle of hell that grew weary in his heart.
Eventually he got too tired.
He needed that pain to end.
The tears to run dry.

And on the day I tried to unkill myself, my parents gained my hell.

16/11/2022

If you saw the battles that go in my mind, you'd never come near me again

15/11/2022

I wish I had a place I call home.
I don't have one yet.
Not one that I feel at peace with.
Not one that makes me feel like it's where I'm supposed to be.
I've gone through people who have these families that don't break.
The ones who just support and don't pick favourites.
The parents who tell their kids that no matter what time of day, wherever you are, if you need me, I'll be there to pick you up.
I don't have any of that.
My parents spilt with hate.
What was I supposed to learn from that when I was young? I saw that coming though. I knew they weren't right for eachother.
And now I'm at a point in life where I don't think I even have one.
Tbh I got kicked out by my own mum. No one else had that. And that was really painful. To be singled out.
Ten years later and she still hasn't realised that damage she's caused on me. I haven't forgiven her for anything she's done. I can't either.
I lost what I thought was a home and never foind one since.
I've definitely imprinted it onto other people thinking I'll find home in them.
And I did find one person I truly felt at home with! It just ended up going awry.
But there hasn't been anyone to actually give me a home or find a way to to build one together. I don't believe that I'm the type of person that anyone wants to do that with.
Home is supposed to be somewhere you come back to and you're at peace with. A place you know you're happy to walk into. A place you're welcome to be. A place that could even have someone waiting for you and smile seeing you. A home is where your storm calms.
I'm inclined to believe that maybe sometime in the future maybe I'll find where i belong.
I've lived for currently 29 years, although past life continuing, it's been 248 years. (I'll make that my next post).
So where is my home? Why doesn't anyone want me as the person why want a home with?
Do people negate that they have that?
Not even noticing?
There was a place I called a second home at the time. I was there nearly everyday. It shwete I escaped to when things were going wrong. I dealt with so many problems and issues knowing I didn't have to feel s**t about the person I was. Now it's cathartic.
I feel stuck now.
Stuck not knowing.
Stuck feeling like a home isn't what I'll ever have.

14/11/2022

What happened to us? How did we get to this point? We've become so anti-social. Yet we crave wanting someone. We're lucky to have over 7 billion people on this planet and yet find every reason to reject someone who's trying to even say hi.

13/11/2022

I've made this as one of my new outlets.
I've got so much that goes on in my mind that I'm hoping to find a way to express those thoughts in ways to help myself as a form of fu**ed therapy.
I tried out counselling back in 2021.
Well, I say tried, I was actually forced to sign up.
Wasn't a good year. Lost a lot of people. Survived. Still wondering why I'm here.
I mean what do you do when you have another chance at life but no way to change the way you're living? It doesn't seem that anything I do is making my life better. Or improve for that matter.
Cause between rent and bills, electric and food, paychecks don't cover much to go "hey, you can go anywhere you want!" So at this point I might as well just start working two jobs and just overwork myself cause what else is there? F**k sleep. The need to live currently is making sure you get no sleep and constant work.
I'm at this impasse where I'm losing all motivation stressing over how to be better but I don't know how to improve from that.
So I fight this contradiction everyday where I want to but can't. This builds to a point where I can't even find a way to get rid of the anger.
You know I watched these videos based around where it's become more of a woman's world where their sexuality has literally paid them thousands just for pictures and videos. Some saying that they're getting like 20 grand a month.
I'm trying to get by on near a grand.
So wtf am I doing wrong that I'm not able to have a better life? Cause I'm really not seeing another way.
Cause if I knew an easier way to earn and save, I would.
I need a change. I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I'm reaching breaking point by the end of each year.