13/02/2026
I do believe I might be feeeling human 😇
Since the turn of Yuletide, I have been so unwell…..
Call it a breakdown? Depletion? Heartbreak? Overwhelm? Every single thing had to stop….i had to STOP 🔥
My body, my mind, my heart, my spirit, my emotions, my limbs, my soul- all of me was poorly. Hardly surprising?
So think ADHD (RSD hyper central) peri-menopausal, post abusive marriage, heart shattering separation with post separation headf*ckery (the push, pull, words, actions all juxtapositioned- if you’ve been there- you know!) house move, deleted from own life, loss of family/friends, loss of all healthcare (with bad health issues!)Loss of all security financially and practically!
So no woman makes the leap I made last year for no reason. Nor do they do it to play games.
What women would chose to live somewhere that makes life much harder with no money left after bills, raising a kid pretty much solo, turning their back on holidays, cars, her cat (!!!), the man she was devoted to (trauma bond!)?
A woman that does that, has no doubt, lived through months/ years of trying, begging, pleading, shape shifting, self sacrificing, hoping, living in denial, cried herself to sleep a million times searching for what to try next…..esp if all that woman has ever wanted was her ‘family’
She will have no doubt forgiven more times than she’s actually had apologises for. She will have scorned herself at times for wanting ‘too much’ knowing fine well bare minimum is NOT too much.
For a woman to reach the point I did nearly a year ago- she must have seriously endured.
However…..if that woman had known what this last 12 months was going to be like….would she have had that huge courage to put one foot in front of another’?
Let’s not go there………however this is where the roots of my poorliness really took hold. 😰
I’ve done some seriously badass stuff in my 49 years and I’ve eased through trauma like it’s tickled at times- thought I’d had all my pain and fully believed in ‘what will be is what is meant to be’. Maybe therein lies where I went wrong.
Naive? Ego? Trust in the universe? I don’t know what I thought was going to happen but I did not expect how vile, vicious, cruel, painful and debilitating the next bit would be and as I wasn’t prepared….its damn near killed me. I don’t say that lightly. Every single heart pain of rejection, abandonment and being scoffed at formed a physical ailment. I ended up carrying such huge grief in my lungs…..
And so….I feel I have walked through the valley of the shadow of my own death in recent months and I’ve scattered around at the bottom of the dark deep sea of life searching for a sign that I will be ok. Any kind of ‘ok’! Mental, emotional, spiritual, practical……anything?
However…In those dark places, I found something.
Let me try describe…..
She’s small but fierce. She is very wary but also too curious to be stand offish. She seems to see everything 360 degrees which makes it hard for her to stay angry but she learning to detach.
She’s this really flipping authentic oddball who you would really want on your side if a zombie apocalypse occurred. She is honest to a fault at times as it seems her brain is fed up with masking. She loves like no one I’ve ever seen and if she cares about you- you are gonna feel that at some point. She seems tormented by her own scattiness, she tells herself off a lot. I’m going to work on that with her!
She’s scared- looks like her head works harder than her body is able and this makes her feeel rubbish. It’s lovely how this little deep sea dwelling creature attaches memories, feeelings and kind thoughts to people she should really delete from her mind.
I think I could learn a lot from this creature I found in the shadows……I’ve been looking after her with good food, less nasty pharmaceuticals and kind words.
She needs some serious reprogramming. Someone has consistently over a long period of time worn her down with taunts, neglect, cruelty and she believes she has to be useful to be loveable.
I’m going to look after this one. Invest in this one. Pour all my vast love into this one. I’m going to nurture her, be kind to her, give her grace and also celebrate her very quirky but insanely caring ways.
I’m curious to watch this one grow…….😉
fans
Lix E. Kendal
