14/01/2026
↓ After kids, “I statements” can actually make things worse ⚠️
Let me be clear: I teach “I…” statements.
They’re a genuinely useful communication tool.
And for a long time, I thought if I just used them better - calmer, clearer, more carefully - things would feel easier in my relationship.
But after kids, that wasn’t my experience.
Here’s what I didn’t see at the time:
I was saying the “right” words…
From a place of exhaustion.
Resentment.
And a habit of putting myself last.
So even when I thought I sounded calm and reasonable, the tension was there.
Honestly, I sounded a bit desperate 🙈
And I think my husband felt that - whether he realised it or not.
Enough to get defensive, anyway.
So many mums are doing this.
Using the tools.
Choosing their words carefully.
Trying not to blame or escalate.
But underneath, they’re still overriding their own needs.
Still holding it all together.
And no communication technique can compensate for that.
What changed things for me wasn’t abandoning the tools.
It was shifting my attention - less focused on what he was doing or not doing, and more focused on what was going on with me.
Slowing down.
Getting clearer on what I needed.
Letting myself matter before trying to be “good at relationships”.
From there, the same “I…” statements landed differently.
Not because they were perfect.
But because they were coming from a place of inner peace, not self-abandonment.
If you’re a mum using all the “right” tools after kids and still ending up with defensiveness or distance…
You’re not doing it wrong.
You might just be starting in the wrong place.
Because the connection you crave doesn’t always start with better words.
It starts with you ✨
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👋🏼 I’m Catherine, relationship therapist and coach for parents, helping you rebuild connection after kids — solo or together.
