Psychotherapy

21/09/2025

If you've escaped from, or have a loved one involved in a Cult, this is for you. If you don't have time to read the below, my number is at the end of the article.

The definition and the markers have not changed, but the cult has really widened out from the Indian guru cults with which we are all familiar.

There are now all kinds of lifestyle, political and social cults, and to be defined as a cult is largely because they're all inherently unhealthy by definition.

This is a ‘composite’ case study, and does not identify a particular real person.

I like to burn a little incense. There’s low lighting. It’s warm and secure here. I am calm and welcoming.

She sits down nervously and after some preliminary ‘safety building’ conversation, she begins to tell me why she’s here.

A single tear escapes and meanders down the side of her face as she tells me that her partner of eleven years has apparently undergone a complete personality change.

It’s not a breakdown, there were no traumas. He’s well educated, enjoys his good job, is from a good family, they have been happy for ten years.

He’d reconnected with a college friend who invited him to Hawaii to meet a guru. He had once been to a couple of meetings years ago and quite liked the vibe.

So he took an extended holiday from his work as a freelance designer.

He’s from a devout Catholic family but stopped attending church and ‘believing’ at university.

Back home he just didn’t seem the same. At first he was very aloof, then began to enthuse about the guru. He hinted that unless she joined the movement, their relationship might end. She was extremely distressed, especially when he suggested they should sell their flat, because his guru needed the equity cash, and rent a place.

This man was almost ‘pre’ identified in his late teens by the cult. While he did not attach at that point, the heady atmosphere, ‘love vibes,’ the gentle attractive people in their robes, the promise of a simpler, stress free ‘spiritual’ life, was irresistible. Now 31, he was ripe for seduction and probably deliberately recruited by his cult friend.

He had been feeling deeply stressed about the challenge of innovating, competing, deadlines. His rational rejection of formal religion had not removed the need for a spiritual ‘something’ so when it was presented to him he was hooked, fast.

I was stressed, had a difficult job, huge mortgage, young children and so on in my thirties when I ‘found’ Guru Maharaji Ji and his ‘techniques’ of ‘Knowledge’. It was like falling in love but ten times stronger. I lost myself for a while, things got pretty ‘out there’.

I get it.

People call terrorists ‘Evil’.

But we really need to stop thinking in these terms.

All terrorism is terrifying, that’s the objective. But if we don’t understand what’s going on inside the perpetrators, we will never stop it.

Understanding and knowledge are the way things get fixed.

Authoritarian cults appear to have a political or religious motivation, but these are justifications, not motivations.

‘Evil’ in the Biblical sense, isn’t some mysterious ‘thing’ which appears and makes them commit atrocities.

It’s playing into the hands of religious people who already think in those terms! Let’s just stop it. Let’s start thinking straight, instead of mindless kneejerking.

Blaming religion, gateing the Internet, revenge bombing, are pointless. We must protect ourselves, absolutely. But the fact is, current terrorism has it’s roots and base in what is fundamentally a cult.

A cult is a group of people who organize around a strong authority figure.

In some terrorist groups, for example, this will be several ‘leaders’ whose identity is secret.

Cult leaders all want power and/or money.

Nobody says to prospective disciples, I want power and money, so can you follow me?

They identify vulnerable people and set about ‘re-programming’ them.

It’s surprisingly easy. We’ve already been partly pre-programmed, as children. Cults create a false environment of love and security, uplifting ritual and repetition. Taking possessions, menial tasking, psychological techniques, quickly dismantle your identity. Destructive cults employ a particularly potent mixture of techniques and deceptions to control members.

We all learn ‘how to be’ ‘how to think’ and ‘what to think’ in our early environment. Brainwashing enables a destructive cult to literally replace a person's former identity with a new one.

Families of terrorists when interviewed all say, oh, he changed in the last year, he seemed anxious and stopped talking to us, etc etc. That new identity is unlikely be the one the person would have freely chosen. (Hassan, 1990*). Think about that.

Many do learn to think for ourselves because we are educated but millions of human beings’ beliefs and behaviours are set by late childhood.

The less information we have, the more angry and depressed we are, the more vulnerable we are. Validation from others who share our beliefs is very seductive. Being a football supporter, following a band, feeling safe and supported in any group, religious, political social, belonging is deeply, biologically programmed, humans cannot survive without collaboration.

Followers of some cults are promised afterlife rewards of such magnitude that they actually override survival instinct. Depressed, hopeless people already have reduced survival instincts, hence su***de bombers.

It is psychotic to take up a knife, hire a van and drive into a crowd. Sanity is a spectrum, not an ‘either/or’ phenomenon. Cults deliberately create psychosis in followers to create insane beliefs and objectives.

Our brains are more malleable and ready to absorb information up to our early 20s than they will ever be. There are few 50 year old su***de bombers.

If you have recently withdrawn from a cult and need to process it, or are caring for someone who is in or has been in a cult, psychotherapy can really help.

I have done a great deal of work with people in this situation.



*Material from academic sources.

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06/09/2025

Here's my leaflet, it's in various locations in the City of Brighton but I'm posting it here for those who don't live here.

27/08/2025

I've seen yet another ad., for a 'Su***de Prevention' charity, today.

I'm not against this, I'm not against the Sams either although I have one or two horror stories about them.

But.... Before well meaning projects to 'stop su***de' are begun, it would be a good idea to get advice from mental health professionals based on research into su***de.

There are many different kinds of su***de, and as many reasons as there are people for doing it, but it does fall into roughly three categories.

1. Parasu***des. These are people who like to keep that as an option because for them, life isn't great for whatever reason, whether emotionally, economically or philosophically. Sometimes from birth. These people talk about it sometimes, and some, occasionally try it. They tend to succeed by accident. This group might respond to reaching out, but there are huge issues with a lot of people than can't be fixed with just 'talking' or 'friendship.' Some of this stuff is about decisions they made when they were babies.

2. Intended Su***des. These people get to a point with their mental health where everything is so bleak that they are no longer in touch with what we call Operative Reality. They can't see any other options. They do not talk about it, they do not tell anyone, they just do it. These are the messy su***des, jumping in front of a train or off a building for example.

3. Catastrophic, Sudden Su***des. You're going through your life and have averagely good mental health, then something happens which is so catastrophic, so unexpected, you just don't have the resources to cope, so you just end your life. These people don't 'share' either. I have a few times worked with clients who are bereaved of someone like this and had absolutely no idea why their happy, functional relative suddenly killed themselves.

This category includes Rage Su***des. To understand these, we need to remember that the word Sui-cide means Self Murder. Sometimes, people are so enraged they have a psychotic 'episode', but can't justify murdering someone else, so they murder themselves. I actually had an acquaintance who, in the face of an unexpected abandonment, his wife left after several decades, he drove into a woodland and mutilated himself so much that the Police at first thought he had been attacked. Rage Su***des are often very narcissistic.

If you have read this, you will see how ineffective the well meaning notions of 'reaching out' can be.

***deprevention

25/08/2025

THE TRUTH ABOUT NARCISSISM

I've noticed in recent years there's been an explosion of videos online on the subject of narcissism. "How to deal with a narcissist" is a popular title, then there is "Are you in love with a narcissist" and a great deal of material on what the video makers consider the outcomes of being brought up by a parent who has this personality disorder. Some of this is useful, some not.

To clear up a few things. Clinical narcissism - that is, a disabling level of delusion about the level of self importance, coupled with a lack of genuine regard for the needs of others - IS a serious personality disorder.

And when I say serious, I mean serious. There's no "cure" so far for clinical narcissism but some practtioners claim long-term psychotherapy can help, and some studies have shown that a significant portion of people with NPD can achieve remission, meaning their symptoms lessen to a point where they no longer meet the full diagnostic criteria.

I have lots of experience of observing how narcissism gets embedded in a child's psyche and that's an extremely difficult part of the character to change.

I don't want to label any human being with being "A" anything and I'd also say never say never to the possibility we can improve people's lives.

My ethics require that I am honest about my 'countertransference', that is, broadly, the impact of my own experiences on the therapeutic Process, and I am happy to be honest. In my long years of practice I've had a few people with NPD turn up for therapy, usually as part of a couple and sadly, although I spot it immediately, because there are huge 'tells', and I always treat them respectfully but the therapy never proceeds. I literally never had the opportunity with a client like this to test my theory of incurability. They never ask for a second session.

My take on this is that their 'inner experience,' where they think they are better than everyone in the World, more important, and very entitled, is, unless temporarily discredited, - and they are great at reinstating their delusions quickly - not a bad space to be in really. Why would you seek healing if your delusion is that you're perfect?

Secondly, I am unable to collude with what is sometimes an attempt to involve me in gaslighting a partner. When I refuse to do this, the narcissist and the hapless partner do not return.

This may be because I have always asked the person with NPD this question: "Who is the most important person in this room?" They know immediately it's a trap, so they're not going to say 'Me' although that is the answer inside their head. So they'll say, 'oh, it's you'. But that's the wrong answer too. The answer, of course, is, nobody is the most important person in this room

I have outlived my potential usefulness to them as I wouldn't comply.

People have myriad complex circumstances in which they have found themselves, and it's not always easy to separate from someone whose very personality means they will always be baseline abusive.

But many of the videos are misleading. All the thousands of hours of advice giving, explanation and so on boil down, for me, to one thing: Eventually, you'll need to leave.

These guys, poor things, (because once busted it is absolutely devastating for them and you don't want to be around that meltdown) are not likely to change.

If you are going to get free, my recommendation is that you contemplate two things that will help you cope with your loss.

1. Realise that the person with whom you fell in love has no ethics, no empathy and is completely fake. Grieve the person you thought they were, not who they actually are.

2. Prepare to set some very serious boundaries and get help from friends, family and professionals before you quit. This person won't like that. They might just let it go, but some will harass, annoy, stalk or find other ways of remaining in contact. The gaslighting satisfaction is an addictive behaviour for them, and you've been the 'supply' for a while, so they won't want to lose that.

Remember, you may not have required therapy yourself before you began that relationship, and you may not require the Change Agency element of therapy at all. But therapy is also a support and process space, where you can work through what happened, and why it happened.

23/08/2025

I am now working with ADHD as a specialisation, I've been updating myself with an OU short course.

I have, over 35 years, encountered many people with ADHD and we have done some useful work.

If you've a diagnosis, or you are concerned about some behaviours that you think are causing you problems, we can work on it.

18/07/2025

Composite Case Study.

Did some of the people who came up with lists of behaviours, that are seen as Not Ok in others, themselves come from safe, positive, calm families where they were supported and given space to grow, knowing that they were loved no matter how well they performed?

I come from a theoretical background that in part assigns many non-serious MH disorders to various kinds of trauma in childhood. Research suggests that the serious ones are caused by excessive trauma, for example, Russian serial killer Andrei Chikatilo (Google him) but many others whose childhood history may explain their 'disorders.'

I'm always stunned that we are ready to accept without question that adult trauma can lead to PTSD and the behaviours that arise from that, but we're very reluctant to attribute other adult 'dysfunctional' behaviours to childhood trauma. And who gets to decide what's 'dysfunctional' anyway? For example, Lazy is a word people use when you're not doing their bidding, often for good reasons.

People don't want to feel shamed as 'bad' parents, but at the same time doggedly refuse to regard parenting as a 'job' and get valid information on how to do it, relying on either instinct, or just day to day 'reacting' with no cohesive approach at all.

We will call our subject(s) Susan because that was a very popular girls’ name in the postwar Baby Boom period.

Susan was born to an unhappy, mismatched couple who got together and married in haste during World War 11. Hasty marriage, especially when people were being shipped abroad to possible injury or death, was widespread at that time.

Both her parents were pretty working class, one came from real abject poverty and chaos, with a father much older than the mother and who was an alcoholic and he also earned no living in later life, as the eldest he had witnessed the deaths from childhood disease of several siblings under five.

The mother’s family was more ‘aspirational’ but the grandmother was also alcoholic and all of these people were very undereducated having left school at 13 or 14.

Susan’s birth was by venteuse and labour very drawn out, she was breach, so the Birth Trauma was probably considerable. Her mother was on the critical list from blood loss after the birth so early bonding did not happen.

But both her parents had what were undiagnosed and fairly common Mental Health issues. The father had PTSD from the War and was taciturn, withdrawn and probably depressed owing to his traumatic upbringing in violence and poverty.

Her mother had a serious personality disorder which meant that Susan’s genuine needs and preferences would always be ignored.
There was good standard caretaking though, Susan was fed reasonably, despite rationing persisting for her early years, kept warm and safe, overall, and education was felt to be important by her aspirational parent.

But outsiders had no idea of the misery in the family.

While it was a 1950s ‘trad family’ for a while, father went to work in a trade, mother was a home maker, the marriage was not happy. The mother constantly undermined the father, and although both were abstemious there was a lot of arguing which would sometimes boil over into full blown rows. The parents would sometimes not even speak for months. Divorce in that class was impossible for most people at that time so this nuclear family of four lived in tense, emotionally violent misery for the next sixteen years.
The extended family of grandparents and some uncles and aunts were either geographically remote or not particularly involved with one another.

Susan did initially thrive at primary school due to the perceptiveness and support of a good teacher who spotted that she was bright.

This led to entry, still quite rare for working class children then, into grammar school.

Sadly her top tier academic performance at Primary school was regarded as less important than her class background and she was B streamed immediately on arriving.

Susan coped with the tension and atmosphere in the family home by sometimes being withdrawn and other times by distraction. Her mother was garrulous and she mimiced the tendency which caused problems at school.

Finding a quiet, warm calm place to do homework uninterrupted was not possible in the very small home, it wasn’t until she was 14 or 15 and could stay on after the school day ended in the library to do her homework that she started getting really good marks again.
Her younger sibling, desperate for attention was constantly doing irritating things and preventing her from concentrating on her work.

Unfortunately the temptations and distractions of the1960s ‘teen’ revolution proved very seductive. The parents, now both working and preoccupied with survival and their own ongoing wrangling, had strict stated rules of permissions and behaviours which were however, easy for a smart adolescent to circumnavigate. So Susan drank alcohol, dabbled in illegal substances, had s*x early, although not coerced, and her school marks began to drift.
This was met with scorn and punishment among teachers who in those days did not understand child and adolescent development.

Regular drinking meant attention issues, sometimes, at school, Susan later began drinking at lunchtime once permitted to leave the premises.

Susan’s father died from cancer when she was sixteen. This event did not evoke very much grief in her mother for obvious reasons, and the children were not cared for at all and just left to get on with their own grief.

Susan’s mother was what has been called colloquially a ‘Pollyanna’, relentlessly positive and very unwilling to be pushed out of her comfort zone. She dealt with the death similarly and Susan and her sibling were simply expected to ‘pull themselves together’ despite both witnessing some gruesome sights as their father’s death process took place partly at home.

Susan then just slid back further and further, O level performance was not as good as predicted, A levels were dropped and eventually after retreating into Secretarial Studies Susan did manage to embark on a professional career due to her mother’s networking because her parents had become active in local politics.

But at work, Susan potentially had problems. She could concentrate enthusiastically for short periods but her work did not require huge attention to detail, so it was ideal for her. But issues with anxiety interfering with concentration had ruled her out of further academic achievement so an apprenticeship, rather than University was her destiny.

This meant that the career advancement without a degree would be especially difficult for her. Had she embarked on a career where a lot of sustained work and detail were required it would not have gone well at all.

During adolescence, Susan managed to retain boyfriends for a couple of years at a time but her father’s emotional unavailability and her mother’s harsh self interested fake positivity mean that she struggled with Emotional Authenticity. She always ended the relationships, except just once when a boy finished with her and she was very depressed for the entire summer holidays.

Her parents took the view that this was just teenage angst and would pass so she went unsupported and had to grieve alone. The reason this loss was so devastating is that people whose parents’ love and care seems ‘transactional’ or dependent on compliance cannot tolerate rejection and abandonment. Susan made a series of bad decisions about relationships with boys, but luckily did not get pregnant or acquire any STDs but she repeatedly bonded through relational transferences with boys and young men who were emotionally unavailable like her parents.

Another issue for Susan was that the children were frequently subjected to corporal punishment by both parents, a few times to the level of injury. This made for a very anxious environment as Susan reported that she was never sure exactly what offence she had committed. It wasn’t uncommon among her peers to be hit frequently as a preventative measure to keep children in line. But this was not always for their own protection, a lot of the time their natural immaturities and level of need was seen as a ‘nuisance’, and a disclipine issue, rather than just being a typical child.

This left Susan with a lifelong fear that if she disagreed with someone, or got into a debate or dispute, she might eventually be physically attacked. Susan also reveals that for most of her life she had the enduring feeling that she was somehow ‘naughty’ or always wrong, a kind of black sheep, and this had really held her back in life.

Since she had a good intellect, she didn’t stop disagreeing or disputing but the unconscious threat of violence made her presentation aggressive and offputting to others at times. She also reports that she assumed for many years that any man with whom she disagreed might hit her.

When placed in formal situations Susan would either fail to be quiet, in an attempt to alleviate the boredom, or, retreat inside herself and fail to engage. She would rationalise this by blaming the situation and that level of negativity often caused her problems in groups where disclipined behaviours would have brought her greater gains.

Susan was never taught or required to engage in domestic tasks, but at the same time constantly shouted at for untidiness and laziness at home. She did not feel motivated as an adult to engage in humdrum tasks due to the low level depression and anxiety she experienced living in the stressful household. It was not until her own children were born that the necessity for cleanliness and tidiness forced her to change.

After she managed to leave home, marry (three times in the end) and start her own family, her mother continued to bully and criticise her but at the same time paradoxically demanded constant agreeable ‘niceness’ until she died when Susan was in her early sixties.

Susan might well have received a diagnosis of ADHD or some other 'disorder' today. But for her, inattention, being easily bored, periods of intense chattiness and activity, or periods of burying herself in a book, or craft activity, or, being overwhelmed by the range of domestic tasks and as a result doing them randomly and resentfully are really the outcomes of a considerable amount of violence, tension, criticism, gaslighting and trauma from birth onwards, thus very unlikely to be genetic or neurodiverse.

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15/05/2025

Did you know there's some doubt regarding evidence for the existence of ADHD as a genuinely neurodiverse condition?

I would recommend refraining from diagnosing yourself. Or, please reconsider giving money to people who promise a 'private' diagnosis. They do not generally take fees and then declare people do not have ADHD. Beware.

Please don't comment outraged that you do have ADHD etc etc., I don't know you but unless you are a psychiatrist, researcher or professional therapist you can't really know this for sure.

If you're not happy with yourself, your money might be better spent on tried and tested, research based, counselling or psychotherapy.

A therapist who has good boundaries and structure that you can show up and work with every week or fortnight is in itself the beginning of healing. Once the Therapeutic Relationship is established then you can explore and understand these 'difficult' behaviours and feelings, more importantly.

Everything in the list of diagnostic markers for ADHD is something that can be explored, explained and changed in counselling and therapy.

This is not simply an advertisement for my services. It is concern that now, millions of people all over the World have been given a label to explain why they're not perfect, or why they're not 'like other people'. I know this can be depressing and scary. But remember, you might see other people being calm and organised and functioning well in some environments but that doesn't mean they are better, or happier than you.

Millions of people are also drugging what they think is ADHD, once this happens, we can never be sure that profit isn't the motive, especially in the USA.

The NHS has huge waiting lists and very underresourced mental health provision for 'normal neurotics' like you and I, so it's really tempting to just take a pill.

Also, ADHD should not be conflated with Autism. It's not the same thing. There is plenty of research that confirms that Autism is neurobiological, and even that isn't 100% conclusive. This is what I have learned so far from my own access to peer reviewed research into Autism, happy to take on board new information, here's just a sample of reasonably accessible information: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2597785/

I also recommend Searching for Normal: A New Approach to Understanding Mental Health, Distress and Neurodiversity, by Dr Sami Timimi, Fern Press ISBN-13978-1911717126

This is a good book, I liked the writing style, learned but accessible, low on jargon (I have it on Audible.) Thirty five years of experience had me nodding assent all the way through it.

Sami Timimi discusses the lack of findings for a genetic or neurobiological basis for ADHD, and explores the effects of stimulant drugs.

08/05/2025

19/03/2025

Chatter on Sort Your Life Out, Stacey Soloman says that she would make a bad psychologist because she's an 'empath' and would always be crying with the client.

People really don't understand therapy, do they? After at least 40 years where counselling and psychotherapy has been reasonably widespread, still people have mad ideas about it.

There's no such thing as an 'empath'. What happens is that a child in a chaotic, or scary, or dysfunctional family learns hypervigilance, things are not calm, childrens' emotions are constantly triggered but never 'met' and people grow up being very sensitive to the moods of others around them because that enables them to survive.

Secondly, one element of the Five Point Therapeutic Relationship is the Person To Person element. If my client says something that makes me want to cry, I do. I don't lose control and it's not about me, but it lets them know that I am taking what they say seriously, and having a genuine response. I would not suppress those feelings. Sometimes it's helpful for a client to see how something affects another person emotionally, especially if they are to feel they are in a 'safe space.'

Safety is everything in the Therapeutic Relationship. If you can't trust and get to know your therapist as a positive person who is on your side, and focused on you, therapy doesn't work.

Also, another misunderstanding of the nature of what really happens in the therapy space. It gets called Talking Therapy. It's far, far more than talking. It's Active Listening, listening for the potential Story Beneath The Story. It's self referencing our reaction to our client to see how we feel when we are with them. It's looking out for clues and routes into what might be happening for them unconsciously. It's giving feedback and the client learning things about themselves that they have not been able to figure out on their own.

And it's empathic understanding, for some people, on some issues, nobody has ever acknowledged their pain and trauma. This in itself is really powerful.

And it's being 'real'. I don't want to be some overboundaried Object who isn't honest with my client about Who I Am. Within reason of course, but if we are to model congruence and authenticity then we must work on our own congruence and authenticity.

One of the objectives of good therapy is to facilitate congruence: that is, being the Same Person in most relationships and most environments. This means identifying and naming the different versions of ourselves and bringing those together in a more coherent 'whole' person.

I have laughed and cried, been angry, got outraged, with my clients. I can do that and still hold the professional space. That's part of our skillset.

I have no rules about silly things like swearing, for example, I need my client to be Real. If I say something my client doesn't like, or is wrong, I want to know about it. Being wrong is a route to being right. I see our connection as a collaboration of expertise. My client is the expert on themself, I am the expert on processing who that is and what that means in their World.

I don't analyse, second guess or make massive assumptions merely based on 'theory'. I observe, I ask questions, I make statements that can kick off dialogue. If you want to know something about your client, you can just try asking them! Much better information than guesswork and obviously, far more respectful.

If I don't like something my client says or I think something is damaging or not useful, I'll find a safe way of saying so. Therapy is challenging. And expensive. Not telling the truth is a waste of time money and energy.

I don't do 'agenda' therapy. I use Gestalt technique which is to work in The Now. What's happening today? How are you feeling/what are you thinking about, right now, today? Let's work on that because it's Present. It will link in with the goals you had when you started therapy because most 'normal neurotics' which is my client base, are having problems with maybe two to five specific things about themselves. What is Present today will be connected with something.

If your therapist doesn't say much, ever, well sure, that's a recognised technique but it only works if your client knows about the technique and that to me is not a fair position to adopt. If you don't tell them it's a technique to refuse to say anything, that's not a valid interaction in my view. I've tried psychodynamic work, it did not go that well. I returned to Person Centred dialogue and appropriate intervention.

Other things people might like to know is that therapy only works if it's ethical. We don't financially abuse our clients, nobody should stay in therapy if they're done. We don't have s*xual relationships with our clients. I have reconnected with clients sometimes and returned to a form of acquaintanceship, some people can do that, some can't.

If I see a client or former client in public I do not speak to them unless they speak to me.

We model boundaries, that's a large part of our work. We have to be solid, centred, skilled and creative. Talking is just the start.

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