25/12/2025
๐๐๐๐ข๐๐๐ฅ ๐๐๐ฏ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐จ๐ซ ๐๐ก๐ซ๐ข๐ฌ๐ญ๐ฆ๐๐ฌ ๐
(because apparently this is still needed):
โIโm dreaming of a white Christmasโ means snow. Not co***ne. Calm down, Scarface.
Rudolphโs nose isnโt red because heโs been doing lines โ heโs magical. Be like Rudolph Not like Steve who โknows a guyโ.
If you find yourself asking, โCan this Christmas ornament fit up myโฆ?โ The answer is NO.
Stuff your stockings, not your openings.
And never with alcohol bottles.
Itโs Elf on a Shelf, not Rum in Your Bum.
If your BMI is 40+, your belly may resemble Santaโs, but unlike him, you are not powered by festive magic. You will not fit down a chimney.
Use the door. Weโre tired.
If you get drunk and punch a brick wall:
the wall will win. Congratulations on your Christmas plaster cast.
If you get drunk and punch another human:
you may get a cast and a court date. Seasonโs greetings.
If you drink too much and start puking โ
do it at home. Quietly. Like the rest of the nation.
If you develop chest pain after eating ham, turkey, potatoes, pudding, cake, and drinking like prohibition just ended โ
youโre probably not having a heart attack.
Itโs indigestion.
Or gallstones
Or pancreatitis.
Festive, isnโt it? ๐
If you get food poisoning from dodgy turkey and have diarrhoea โ
stay home and p**p in your own toilet.
NHS loo roll is thin, scratchy, and powered entirely by budget cuts. Treat your arse better than the government treats us.
If youโre an adult, slightly pi**ed, and eyeing up your kidโs new scooter/skateboard/bike โ
donโt. Gravity is no longer your friend. Your bones remember your age even if your ego doesnโt.
Seriously though:
While youโre enjoying friends, family, and food, spare a thought for health-care workers spending Christmas at work instead of on the sofa.
Be safe. Be kind. Check in on people who donโt have much support.
Not everyone gets a happy Christmas โ but you can help make it less s**t
Now go forth.
Eat. Drink. Behave.
Or at least donโt make medical professionals work harder than necessary. ๐
