Speech Freedom

21/12/2025

True, exhausting and depressing

It starts early.
Earlier than they like to admit.

In nurseries and reception classrooms, there are whispers.
“She’s very sensitive.”
“He doesn’t quite fit the routine.”
“They’ll grow out of it.”

So nothing happens.

Parents are told to wait. To watch. To try sticker charts, firmer boundaries, gentler boundaries, different shoes, different breakfasts.

The child learns early that the world feels loud and fast and confusing and that nobody is in a hurry to understand why.

By the time school begins, the cracks are visible. The child is trying so hard to be good, to be quiet, to get it right.

The system is already documenting the struggle, but still not acting on it.

Assessments are delayed. Referrals are bounced back. Support is “monitored.”

Years pass in review meetings where everyone agrees there’s a problem but nobody agrees whose job it is to fix it.

By primary school, the child has learned the most dangerous skill of all: masking. They hold it together all day, until they don’t.

Meltdowns are treated as behaviour.
Distress is reframed as defiance.
Parents are gently then not so gently- questioned about routines, boundaries, home life.

Support plans are written and rewritten.
Nothing changes.

Secondary school arrives like a cliff edge. More noise. More pressure. More rules that make no sense to a nervous system already overloaded. The child’s anxiety grows legs and follows them everywhere.
Attendance drops. Confidence evaporates. Suddenly the same system that delayed help is asking why things have “escalated.”

This is where the language shifts.

From support to compliance.
From needs to risk.
From child to problem.

Mental health services step in - and then step back out again.
Too autistic for anxiety services.
Too anxious for autism pathways.
Too complex. Not unwell enough. Not the right box.

So families hold the gap.

They leave jobs.
They fight tribunals.
They learn acronyms and legislation like a second language.
They keep children safe while being quietly judged for doing so.

And then, just as the child turns 18 when life is already shifting under their feet the system disappears altogether.

Referrals are closed. Support plans expire. Services say, “They’re an adult now,” as if autism runs on a calendar.

As if neurodivergence politely switches off at midnight on the 18th birthday.

Suddenly the scaffolding that never quite held is removed completely.

Parents are told to step back. Young people are told to self-advocate in systems that have never listened to them before.
Mental health charities offer short-term courses and leaflets.
Local authorities point elsewhere.

Everyone assumes someone else is responsible.

But autism doesn’t end at 18.
Sensory overload doesn’t end at 18.
Trauma caused by years of being misunderstood doesn’t end at 18.

The only thing that ends is support.

This isn’t a failure at one point in time.
It’s a long, slow, systemic letting down from the moment a child first shows signs of difference, to the moment they are deemed too old to matter.

And still, families keep going.
Still, autistic people survive systems that were never built for them.

But imagine what could happen if the system didn’t wait for children to break.
If it listened early.
If it stayed longer.
If it understood that neurodivergence is not a phase, it’s a lifetime.

And support should be too.

We must keep pushing the system for change.

Michaela 🫂❤️🫂

20/12/2025

This looks amazing. I’ve just booked my ticket. 12-14 Jan.
Free if you can watch videos on the days.
I’ve paid $59 to have a years access to the videos.

18/12/2025

17/12/2025

17/12/2025

A good read

If you have ND kids....I'm guessing you have a Child who "sucks" at getting chores done.
___________________________

They just can't handle the responsibility of doing the laundry,
putting away the groceries,
or really
doing ANY multi-step task.

Anything YOU need help with,
THEY can only do WITH
body doubling, cueing,
and directing them in real time.
__________________

You KNOW it's because they have Executive Dysfunction.

But you can't do EVERYTHING, indefinitely.

You NEED them to pick up some life skills.

And you are sick of battling with them, over everyday tasks.
_________________________

Well....there IS a solution.

But it's SO simple, that if you are an ND parent (Hello, mid-life ADHD!) it may NOT have occurred to you.

Ready?

Here it is:

For the next year, stop asking them for help with the things they can't do,

and start asking them for help with the things they CAN do.
__________________________

Sorry. I know that probably sounded obnoxious. 😉

I grossly oversimplified my message.

But see if you can follow my logic...
__________________________

When you typically WANT help, you are turning to your child in a moment of personal overwhelm and you are delegating--

and it doesn't matter how PATIENT you think you are being,

because your child ALREADY senses that you are close to dysregulation and might be grumpy

(which they will take personally because of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)...

and they sense that they are going to fail, triggering your annoyance with them.

It's a lose-lose situation. 😖
_______________________

They have a DOPAMINE seeking brain, and YOU have just become a Dopamine DRAIN. 🚰

So....they don't invest their focus.

Why bother?
Their likelihood of success (doing things to your standard) is low and they don't ENJOY doing things they can't succeed at, easily.
_______________________

But what if....

You asked them for help MORE OFTEN--
except you asked them
for help with EASY things
they can SUCCEED at instantly? 🙂
________________________

This has a few benefits!

1) You are less likely to be dysregulated when you are asking them for help, because you don't actually NEED help.

You are just asking them for help to GIVE THEM PRACTICE HELPING.

That means your child stops instantly associating "chores" or "helping Mom" with a Grumpy Parent. 😊
____________

2) Since you are asking them to do things they ALREADY know how to do (simple things, 1 or 2 steps) , they will succeed at them!

That's like getting some easy to reach coins in a Mario game. Positive reinforcement! 🪙
_____________

3) You are going to be asking your child to
pass you a book,
wipe up a spill,
bring you a bottle of water,
set cans of soup in pantry,
hang up your coat,
strip off a pillowcase,
shred the junk mail,
gather dirty towels, etc.

Simple things you KNOW they can succeed at. 💪

Since all of these "chore demands" are simple and done either in your presence or very close to it--
your child has a
built in body double.

Most ND kids NEED adults to co-regulate with them. 👩‍👦

The more time they spend body doubling with a calm person....
the better regulated their still-developing nervous system is going to be.

That will make them LESS prone to meltdowns over chores, in the future.
___________________________

And over time they...

4) Get better at modeling how YOU do tasks, because they so often work alongside you.

This lets them grow their chore SKILLS while maintaining CALM autonomy. 🙂
____________________________

A note about siblings....

If you have more than just one ND Child, maybe this will sound familiar, too.....

ONE of my kids is much more capable of independently performing tasks, than their SIBLING..

And WOW! 😳

It is HARD not to parentify my capable kid!

But I work at it, consciously--
because growing up, my brother was the less capable one, and despite being 7 years his junior, I was often parentified.

I had to
clean his room AND mine,
feed his pets AND mine,
wash his clothes AND mine.

I STILL resent that fact. Plus, he never learned how to care for his own environment, and now in his 50's, still relies on a girlfriend to almost everything.
_________________________

So here is a little trick I use to avoid
asking
TOO LITTLE of my child with the least Executive Dysfunction,
and TOO MUCH of my child with the most Executive Dysfunction--

*If I absolutely NEED help with something because I just CANNOT manage on my own, I call for my more capable child. 🦹‍♀️

They will succeed at helping me, but they also know I don't generally ask for their help unless I REALLY need help.
_____________

*If I WANT help or just think someone should pitch in, so it's not all on MY plate, then I call the kiddo who struggles to meet expectations. 🤸‍♂️

That gives them an opportunity to contribute, feel valued, and learn to succeed at things which they CAN succeed at, with the right supports in place.
______________

*And of course, sometimes I just ask them BOTH to help me, at the same time because we are all in the space, together. 👫

That gives them the opportunity to practice team work and to body double each other.
______________________

So here's a short list of what that might look like in practice...

My More Capable Child
will be asked to help me when:

*The frozen food needs to be put away before it melts, but I need to take an important phone call 🥦

*I need help catching the cat so I can administer its hairball paste 🐈

*I can't find Grandma's missing shoe and I have already looked

*It's essential that all the pet water dishes be filled before we leave on vacation, and I'm busy packing the car

*Laundry must be washed or I'll have no pants to wear tomorrow, but I'm so swamped with appointments that I don't have time to wash it 👕

*I need the meatloaf put into the oven at 5 pm, and I won't be home until 530.

*I can't shovel any more snow because of a back injury, but the sidewalk must be cleared according to law ❄️
...these are NEEDS. If they aren't met, I will be frusterated and more prone to dysregulation.

So I DON'T delegate those to a kid who probably cannot handle the responsibility.
________________________


My Struggling Child
will be asked to help when:

*I want the mail brought inside 📬

*I want someone to line up all the wet boots by the front door, into neat pairs 👢

*I want someone to fetch me a towel

*I want help vacuuming crumbs from between the couch cushions

*I want the bathroom sink wiped down

*I want the dirty bedsheets stripped off the mattress and put into the hamper 🧺

*I want help peeling and chopping carrots to add to the stew 🥕

*I want someone to take my Phillip's head screwdriver back to the tool box

....these are things I COULD do myself, but which I appreciate getting help with.

They are also things which are simple and won't cause distress if they get "messed up."
___________________________

Both kids will be asked to help when:

*We are returning from the grocery store and need to carry bags inside

*It's Trash day and all the cans need to be dragged to the end of the driveway 🗑

*Their shared art supplies are covering the coffee table and I want it cleared off so I can disinfect 🎨

*Dinner is over and its time to take dishes to the sink 🍛

*We need to bring up the boxes of ornaments for decorating the Christmas tree

*We are tidying the living room, together, after their friends came over to play 🧸

*We need to gather all of our beach toys, goggles, and towels from the pool area 🥽
__________________________

🌠 And to wind this all up.... 🌠

I hope this approach makes sense to you.

What is a chore that YOUR caregivers assigned you, that felt HARD, when you were growing?

Laundry was hard for me
because I was Time Blind and would forget to move wet clothes to the dryer. 🤷‍♀️

Taking meat out to defrost was hard because
I was so burned out from school that I just wanted to collapse and zone out on TV. 📺

And "cleaning my room" was always hard
because I was never really sure what CLEAN was supposed to look like, and my father never seemed to think it was clean enough. 😒

(In retrospect, I think he wanted everything put AWAY, but that made it hard for me, because my ADHD working memory was weak and I needed visual cues to remember I had art projects and homework to work on)

🤯 What was hard for YOU to do?

13/12/2025

As the season ramps up, and we get closer to the big day a little requested from Santa this year for all of us.

I hope we are all surrounded by love, accepted just as we are and feel safe no matter what. I hope with all my heart in the final months of this year you feel enough, just as you are, just as you’ve always been ###

12/12/2025

It’s obscene the amount of money that local authorities have wasted on educational tribunals that they have lost.

NEW POST: The 1% club: Matt Keer's analysis of Tribunal stats show LAs won almost none of 25k SEND appeals in 2025, at an indefensible cost of over £200m. Plus, a shocking funding announcement from the DfE shows the truth of the “national SEND conversation” Infographics from Tania https://www.specialneedsjungle.com/las-win-none-25k-send-appeals-over-200m-shocking-announcement/

11/12/2025

Link in original post comments

Download our list of game recommendations for sessions with children with Selective Mutism for Christmas present ideas 🎁😃

Link in the comments 🤩

10/12/2025