07/09/2025
I just wanted to do a thank you post. I hope I've said thank you before, but I wonder if I stressed how much the continued support of floriography has truly meant.
I think it was probably clear that at the beginning of the year, I wasn't okay, that I was sad, hurt, and down.
Reflecting back, I can sense and hear the desperation in my own words. I was broken.
I was crying every morning, and every night, I saw no point in my existence, I constantly imagined and was starting to put into a plan how I wouldn't be here. It sounds awful now and more awful for those who love me.
After months of not picking up the phone to the Mental Health Team, I had to as it was damaging others. I did call my gp, who immediately referred me to the MH team. I got an appointment with my psychiatrist the next day. We talked through upping my lithium and adding back in quitiapine. I agreed.
She wanted me to work with the crisis team. I did ( thank you NHS).
I did all this whilst coming into floriography, never missing a day, smiling when I needed to. That's bipolar you see. You can function and be dying inside. I wouldn't sleep but I wasn't tired and then I was exhausted.
The trigger was the new flowershop. That's not to say it's their fault. I have a MH condition. It was just the reality of capitalism, non caring world that it made me feel. I was angry people thought maybe they didn't know about us, they did, they came in sussing us and said nothing and still haven't. All things I find heartbreaking, and then my head goes crazy. I couldn't separate out their behaviour from reality. I couldn't breathe. I felt floriography, and all its hearts were getting trampled on.
Now, well I'm healing. Trying to lose weight meds and a knee op, and liking food don't mix. When I smile, I mainly feel it. I still think I'm a waste of space and am not good enough, but that's a me thing. I can hear people again. The head noise is less.
I still care about the situation, but it isn't ruling how I feel or what I do.
I'm not going back to where I was. I felt like I was literally drowning into thick seaweed.
This isn't a woe is me post. This is an honest post. An oversharing post. Laughs
