Better Beginnings - Dr Miriam Inder, Perinatal Psychologist

10/05/2022

It can be very difficult to know how to support someone who is experiencing pregnancy or baby loss. There is definitely not one right thing to say or do, but here are some suggestions.

Perhaps think about the person themseves and what you think they would most appreciate. And rather then ask them to tell you what they would like, it might be easier for them to accept support if you give them a 'menu' to choose from.

I'd love to hear from you - what are the most supportive messges you have received?

Miriam - Helping you have

02/05/2022

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This week is raising awareness of mental health problems in the perinatal period (the time from trying to conceive to 2 years after having a baby).

People in this period of time experience distress in a bunch of different ways, just like anyone else at any point in life…deep sadness, worry, intrusive thoughts/images, compulsive behaviours. (Sometimes framed in more diagnostic language used such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD…)

But there are MANY things which people more likely to be distressed…

💉 Reproductive trauma e.g. fertility problems, birth trauma, baby loss.

👩‍🔬 HUGE psychological adjustments, including massive identity loss/change.

🧠 Physical changes, perhaps because of fertility treatment, pregnancy/birth but also hormones, brain changes (making us more threat-aware and anxious), s*x-drive.

👨‍👩‍👧 Changes in relationships, including a nose-dive in satisfaction within the couple relationship

🥱 Add societal pressure about what constitutes a ‘good mother’ e.g self-sacrificing, intensively parenting, coupled, cis-gendered, heteros*xual 🤬

👶🏽 Last (but not least) there’s a baby you’re nurturing, with the joy and relentlessness that brings.

People shouldn’t be left alone struggling with difficult journeys to parenthood. There is support available. I’ve tagged a few organisations.

Follow the hashtags to be connected to all there is to offer this week.

Miriam ~ helping you have

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28/04/2022

For a while now I’ve been using this jigsaw metaphor with clients who’ve experienced . When people feel confused by the extent of their sadness or grief, or find others don’t understand.

No matter how far along in your pregnancy you were, is unique…it’s a loss of the future and the baby you’d been imagining.

It takes time to rebuild a new picture of the future…Piece by piece ❤️

Miriam ~ helping you have

12/04/2022

It's very common to feel anxious in pregnancy when you've experienced previous pregnancy or baby loss. You might find ultrasounds particularly difficult because they remind you of previous loss.

Here are some ways to cope....

1. Consider telling the sonographer you have experienced baby loss so they provide care sensitive to your needs. Try not to be afraid to ask them for adjustments such as being seen in a different room or to be reassured as quickly as possible.

2. Take someone to advocate for you - a partner or friend. Hospitals have had differing policies because of covid, but most are allowing one nominated partner for all scans and antenatal appointments. Tell them what you need to feel safe and perhaps ask them to make notes if you think you might forget any important details (anxiety can affect recall).

3. Help yourself stay calm and connected by using breathing and grounding (see some of my previous posts for details on grounding).

Miriam ~ helping you have

01/04/2022

As many of you might know, the Ockenden report came out on Wednesday 30th March (please read with care). This review into almost 1,600 clinical incidents identified multiple failures which led thousands to suffer avoidable harm, pain and loss. The first reason listed for failure was: not enough staff. To use Donna's words: "Going forwards, there can be no excuses."

We need maternity services to be properly funded. Now.

985 signatures are still needed! No excuses: pay the full amount

14/03/2022

Fetal Microchimerism refers to a small number of cells (or DNA) found in women originating from their baby. These cells are detectable as early as 4-5 weeks of pregnancy and found in the mother’s bloodstream, organs, even showing up as part of her beating heart ❤️

As a psychologist and someone with personal experience of baby loss it feels comforting to know that mothers hold their babies in their hearts forever ❤️

Does it bring comfort to you?

Miriam ~ helping you have

08/03/2022

International Women's Day and gender equality in parenthood... Anyone else think we've still got a bloody long way to go?

What's feeling more equal between opposite s*x parents, and what's falling off the radar and being unfairly shouldered by mothers?

Miriam ~ Helping you have

28/02/2022

90% of women who stop breastfeeding by six-weeks postnatally said they didn't feel ready to stop (McAndrew, et al., 2012).

For many women breastfeeding is about much more than feeding. It's synonymous with mothering (Brown, 2019) or repairing (perceived) ruptures in your mothering experience. 

Potential obstacles can be with the health or physiology of your baby, with you as mother, or occasionally both. We also have to consider social and cultural factors including the absence of professional support, the absence of breastfeeding culture, and persistent s*xualisation of women's bodies.

Recent research indicates about 7% of women report trauma symptoms associated with their breastfeeding experience (Black et al., 2021). This might include negative thoughts and feelings around inadequacy, failure and feelings of guilt. Re-experiencing memories of your distressing breastfeeding experiences. Avoiding breastfeeding reminders.

It is time for individual women to stop being blamed for breastfeeding difficulties. Revolution can start by changing the conversation you have been having with yourself about your breastfeeding journey. You did not fail, you were failed. And failed again when breastfeeding trauma is ignored. 

•         If you are grieving your breastfeeding journey allow yourself time to make sense of your feelings.
•         Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling.
•         Seek professional support from your midwife, Health Visitor or breastfeeding support organisation
•         Consider trauma-focussed therapy, such as EMDR therapy or CBT.

(Visit my bio for a link to the full article and references.)

Miriam ~ Helping you have Better Beginnings

28/01/2022

Such beautiful words communicating something so painful.

If you have experienced this will probably resonate with you.

Miscarriage, baby loss, infertility... there's a shocking moment of feeling robbed of an innocent assumption that having a baby will come as easily for us as it does for others.

It's cruel and unfair, and If this is how you are feeling today know you are not alone ❤️

(and read the novel 'Magpie' this quote is taken from. The author Elizabeth Day has herself experienced miscarriage and IVF and so beautifully puts into words some of the all-consuming longing and sadness women experience when they desperately want to be mothers. A rare find I think.)

Miriam ~ helping you have

24/01/2022

I’ve always felt that traditional models of grief don’t explain grief after baby loss well. They focus on the loss of an existing relationship, of someone who has been a part of your life to date.

Grief after pregnancy and baby loss is distinctly different.

It’s not a loss of a past relationship but grief for a future imagined.

For all the many babies you conjured in your mind when you thought about whether they would have your eyes and your inherited dimples.
Whether they would be a son or daughter.
When you thought about how old they would be at summer holidays and christmas. When you imagined how you would mother them.

Tonkin’s (1996) growing around grief’ model is one I like to share with mothers. Instea dof using her metaphor of a fired egg, for a long time I’ve had my own baby loss version drawing on the image of a tree, and have been trying to explain it (badly). Hopefully this does a better job!

The tree represents grief and how it creeps onto all the ‘branches’ of your imagined future. Over time this grief doesn’t get smaller, but your life begins to grow around it.

It’s not ‘moving on’ (which makes me think too much of forgetting) but it might be a ‘moving forwards’. You will have new experiences, meet new people, and begin to find moments of enjoyment.

I hope this brings some comfort to anyone whose caught up in grief today ❤️

Miriam ~ helping you have

24/01/2022

I’ve always felt that traditional models of grief don’t explain grief after well. They focus on the loss of an existing relationship, of someone who has been a part of your life to date.

Grief after pregnancy and baby loss is distinctly different.

It’s not a loss of a past relationship but grief for a future imagined.

For all the many babies you conjured in your mind when you thought about whether they would have your eyes and your inherited dimples.
Whether they would be a son or daughter.
When you thought about how old they would be at summer holidays and christmas. When you imagined how you would mother them.

Tonkin’s (1996) growing around grief’ model is one I like to share with mothers. Instea dof using her metaphor of a fired egg, for a long time I’ve had my own baby loss version drawing on the image of a tree, and have been trying to explain it (badly). Hopefuly this video explains it.

The tree represents grief and how it creeps onto all the ‘branches’ of your imagined future. Over time this grief doesn’t get smaller, but your life begins to grow around it.

It’s not ‘moving on’ (which makes me think too much of forgetting) but it might be a ‘moving forwards’. You will have new experiences, meet new people, and begin to find moments of enjoyment.

I hope this brings some comfort to anyone whose caught up in grief today ❤️

Miriam ~ helping you have

18/01/2022

It can be very difficult after a miscarriage or baby loss to step back into social situations.

This can be about understandably wanting to avoid reminders or triggers of your baby. But often it is about a fear of being ambushed by comments or questions.

However, we know that meaningful social support is a positive factor in helping people manage distress after baby loss. And therefore it might be good for you to see family, friends and colleagues.

Here are a few suggestions of messages you can have some sense of control over how those interactions unfold and help yourself feel less anxious.

Perhaps there are some people you want to talk openly with but you want to encourage them to listen, to avoid any well-intentioned but upsetting comments.

Alternatively you might not want to speak about your baby loss, or you’d like the option to decide at the time.

Whatever you need you are absolutely entitled to ask.

I hope there is something here that’s helpful for you, or share and tag a friend who needs to hear this today ❤️

Miriam ~ helping you have