Deva Empowerment

27/11/2024

TATT - Tired All the Time

> What’s it about?

Several years ago I experienced Lyme’s Disease.
At the time I didn’t get a diagnose for 9 months.
Add in 3 months of treatment with antibiotics and I was in the thick of chronic fatigue.
To say that I was tired all the time is an understatement.
Even breathing felt difficult.

Fast forward to today and recently I have been dealing with a milder episode of the TATT state.
I am experiencing brain fog, listlessness, dizziness and all sorts of other physical symptoms eg aches and pains.
Couple this with waking up in a panic attack one morning plus an episode of diverticular disease and I am left pondering how to manage the fatigue that is loitering around.

> Why am I sharing this with you?

Well I have decided that I need to take some time to myself and look after me in a way that I would suggest that you look after you i.e. I am going to be my own client.

First of all I am going to assess my stress levels.
I am aware of the part that Amy-amygdala plays in all of this.

For some reason Amy is on high alert and easily triggered, hence waking up in a panic attack, for what appears to be no reason at all. It came out of the blue and it's exhausting physically. She clearly needs support.

While I have taken some time during the days and weeks to support myself it’s clearly not enough.

Amy needs lots of reassurance at the moment and I have plenty of tools and techniques to assist her. What I need is the time to double down on my efforts at maintaining a high level of resilience and lowering the stress and anxiety that Amy is generating.

Secondly I will be taking care to feed my brain what it physically needs: taking care to improve my mental fitness: and finally my peace of mind will also get plenty of love and attention. If I don't care for me then my standards of caring for others will slip and I'm not ok with this.

As Amy is so heavily involved with the stress and anxiety side of things I will be spending time using the wonderful tools of Havening® to connect with her.

So rather than allowing the survival and stress mode that she is capable of generating to be present in every moment, I will be supporting her, acknowledging her and brining her focus back into a loving and resilient state. I won’t be adding stress to stress I will instead be adding in calm and support for Amy, so that i have the energy to do all that I love doing with you, with myself and in my life.

>>>>> So the upshot of all of this is that there won’t be any further posts here in Deva Empowerment until January 2025.

25/11/2024

20/11/2024

Living Loss - ‘Closure is a myth’, Dr. Pauline Boss

The concept of living loss encompasses the ongoing nature, ie any form of closure is a long time coming, of losing someone gradually, where the person may be physically present but mentally and emotionally absent.

The emotional toll is persistent and complex, manifesting as chronic stress, ambiguous grief, and sometimes even trauma, for the family and primary care giver.

Coping with a "living loss,”, for example with a family member with Alzheimer’s Disease, can profoundly impact both the mental and physical health of you as a caregiver and your family members.

As a district nurse my heart used to go out to the primary care giver of a relative with dementia or Alzheimer’s. The patient I was checking on had no idea who I was, who they were or what I was there to do and so I would spend more of my time ‘chatting’ with the relative. The relative was most often a woman, a daughter, caring for a parent who very often didn’t recognise their own child. I barely scratched the surface of the care that the care giver required.

> Mental Health Effects of Living Loss
1. Chronic Grief and Ambiguity: Living loss is marked by unresolved grief, which means there’s no definitive closure. This ambiguity can lead to persistent feelings of sadness, confusion, and helplessness. Psychologists like Dr. Pauline Boss describe this as "frozen grief," where the mourning process is constantly suspended, making it harder for the individual to heal.�

2. Increased Risk of Depression and Anxiety: Many caregivers experience heightened levels of depression and anxiety, stemming from the uncertainty of the loved one’s condition. There’s a sense of “mourning without end,” as they lose aspects of the loved one’s personality and shared life in pieces, which can leave caregivers feeling perpetually overwhelmed and isolated.�

3. Social Isolation: Caregivers often feel isolated, either because they dedicate so much time to their role or because friends and family struggle to understand the complexities of living loss. This isolation can worsen feelings of loneliness and sadness, leading to a deepened sense of social withdrawal. It’s a never ending cycle. �

4. Cognitive Strain: Managing the demands of caregiving, navigating unpredictable emotions, and coping with ambiguous grief can cause cognitive overload. Caregivers often report difficulty concentrating, memory issues, and a general mental fog due to ongoing stress.�

> Physical Health Effects of Living Loss
1. Chronic Stress and Burnout: The continuous demands of caregiving, combined with unresolved grief, can activate the body’s stress response system for extended periods. Chronic stress can raise cortisol levels, which affects immunity, cardiovascular health, and increases the risk of health conditions like raised blood pressure and heart disease.�

2. Sleep Disturbances: Caregivers often suffer from insomnia or disrupted sleep patterns due to worry, sadness, or the practical demands of nighttime care. Sleep loss compounds stress, affecting the immune system and the body's ability to restore itself.�

3. Increased Risk of Immune Dysfunction: Studies show that chronic caregivers can experience compromised immune function. Ongoing stress has been linked to inflammation and slower wound healing, making caregivers more vulnerable to infections and illnesses.�

4. Higher Incidence of Chronic Illness: Research indicates that caregivers of people with dementia and Alzheimer’s have higher rates of physical conditions like arthritis, obesity, and diabetes. This may be due to a lack of self-care, inadequate time for exercise, or poor dietary choices driven by limited time and energy.�

> Emotional Effects: Identity and Relationship Loss
1. Loss of Shared Identity: Caregivers often feel as if they’re losing a part of themselves along with their loved one. This erosion of identity can affect self-worth, as they feel their own life is “on hold” while they focus on caregiving. This experience may also spark feelings of resentment, self-doubt, and guilt.�

2. Sense of Role Overwhelm: Shifting from spouse, child, or sibling to caregiver can be psychologically taxing. Caregivers may feel sadness over losing the relationship as it once was and frustration that their own needs are unmet.�

3. Complicated Love and Loyalty: Living loss can create a mix of resentment, obligation, love and duty. Caregivers may feel guilt for mourning the loss of the person they remember while caring for who they are now, and conflicted feelings can lead to confusion and self-criticism.�

All of the above sounds very negative doesn’t it? I know from the many care givers I have met that they started out with all the best of intentions not realising just how long this role was going to last for them.

So with the aim being to build resilience and ongoing adaptability, what could help in coping with living loss
> Seeking Professional Support: Therapy, particularly with grief specialists or therapists trained in ambiguous loss, can provide validation and coping strategies.

> Building Support Networks: Support groups for caregivers offer emotional relief, shared advice, and connection with others who understand the unique experience of living loss. Check www.alzheimers.org.uk for advice and support

> Practicing Self-Compassion and Setting Boundaries: Caregivers benefit from self-compassion practices, acknowledging that grief is normal and caring for themselves is essential. Setting boundaries to protect personal time, even if challenging, is crucial for mental and physical well-being.

> Mindfulness and Stress Management: Practices such as meditation, deep breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation can help caregivers manage stress. Engaging in small, present-moment activities, like journaling or enjoying nature, can also reduce mental strain.

In summary, living loss is an ongoing, multi-faceted grief experience that impacts every part of a person’s well-being. Caregivers of loved ones with Alzheimer’s or dementia experience cumulative emotional and physical effects, underscoring the need for self-compassion, professional support, and strategies to safeguard mental and physical health.

It’s a minefield isn’t it?
How are you? Have you had experience of living loss?
Here at Deva Empowerment the stress, anxiety and overwhelm can be helped with Havening Techniques. Be in touch if you would like to experience a complimentary session.

With love and support
Denise

13/11/2024

Anticipatory Grief - Part 2.

I wonder if you have ever experienced any of the following scenarios?

You may have found yourself experiencing more than one of these at a time.

What you may not have realised is that any and all of the following can cause anticipatory grief, that grief that happens before the loss has actually happened.

Anticipatory grief can arise in various life circumstances beyond a terminal illness.

Anytime a person confronts an impending loss or significant life change, they may experience anticipatory grief.

Here are some additional anticipatory loss scenarios:
The following are written in no particular order.
1. Aging Parents or Loved Ones
You can often experience anticipatory grief as you watch parents or loved ones age, particularly when you see a gradual decline in health or independence. Even if there’s no specific illness, witnessing the natural aging process can prompt anticipatory grief as you may find yourself preparing for an eventual goodbye or life without them.

2. Chronic and Progressive Illnesses
Chronic and progressive conditions for instance Parkinson’s disease, ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), and multiple sclerosis (MS) are progressive conditions of decline, meaning patients and families often grieve each new stage of decline. Anticipatory grief may begin with the initial diagnosis and continue as the illness progresses.

3. Divorce or Relationship Difficulties
Anticipatory grief can be present in cases of separation or divorce, especially if the breakup is prolonged or contentious. Both partners and children may begin grieving the anticipated loss of the relationship, lifestyle, and sense of family long before it situation becomes official.

4. Imminent Loss of a Job or Retirement
If you are facing a layoffs, a career transitions, or retirement you can experience anticipatory grief. Why is this? It’s all part and parcel of the loss of professional identity, daily routine, and a social network. This is particularly true if the job has been a significant part of your life or identity.

5. Economic Hardships or Financial Loss
During times of anticipated financial insecurity or loss, such as during an economic downturn or job market instability, you may grieve the anticipated change in lifestyle, security, and personal plans. This anticipatory grief reflects a response to the potential impact on your quality of life and future.

6. Moving Away or Migration
Anyone anticipating a major move or emigration may experience anticipatory grief for the life, friends, and familiar places they will leave behind. Children and adults alike can feel this grief, especially if the move involves leaving a long-standing home or community. This maybe something that young adults experience, the classic home sickness, when they leave home for college or university until they create new friendship groups.

7. Children Growing Up and "Empty Nest Syndrome"
The knock on effect of young adults leaving home is parents experiencing “empty nest syndrome”. You may feel anticipatory grief as you prepare for your children to leave the family home. The prospect of children moving out and beginning independent lives brings up the anticipated loss of daily connection, family dynamics, and a sense of purpose as a nurturer and caregiver.

8. Anticipated Loss of Mobility or Independence
For those of you who receive a diagnosis or have an injury with an expected long-term impact on your physical abilities, anticipatory grief may accompany the knowledge of gradually losing your autonomy. This can include the grief of adapting to life changes, such as no longer being able to drive, live independently, or engage in your favorite activities.

9. Environmental or Climate-Related Losses
Did you know that climate change and natural disasters have led some people to feel anticipatory grief for anticipated environmental losses. Known as “climate grief” or “eco-grief,” this kind of anticipatory grief relates to concerns about ecological destruction, loss of biodiversity, and fears about future living conditions.

10. Preparing for the Death of a Pet
Pets play a profound role in our lives, and knowing that an aging or sick pet has limited time can bring anticipatory grief. You may experience sadness and nostalgia as you prepare to lose your beloved companion.

11. Receiving a Genetic Test Result
Have you ever taken a genetic test? I have and discovered things about my health that came as no surprise to me. But what if you are someone who receives a genetic test result that indicates a higher likelihood of developing a certain disease, such as Huntington’s disease or cancer. You could quite easily begin experiencing anticipatory grief. This includes grieving the potential future impact of the disease, even before any symptoms manifest.

All of the above said, there are many circumstances that we learn about and don’t experience any form of related anxiety.

That said if you recognise that there have been circumstances where you have experienced anticipatory grief please know that you are not alone.

Anticipatory grief is often misunderstood or underestimated, especially when the situation does not involve an immediate terminal illness.

This type of grief can bring complicated feelings, including guilt or self-doubt, because individuals may feel they “shouldn’t” be grieving something that hasn’t happened yet.

By recognizing and validating any anticipatory grief in any of the above situations may prove helpful for processing and understanding it.

Remember that your neurological system, your brain and nerves, is unique to you and your body. This system has, throughout your life, recorded many events that have occurred in your lifetime and through these events you have many beliefs and stories stored away that may be influencing you and whether or not you experience anticipatory grief.

If you have any questions or comments about this please be in touch.
Also if you have experienced anticipatory grief and would like to explore any stress and anxiety associated with this then again please be in touch.
Your initial discussion with me is a complimentary session.

With love and support
Denise x

06/11/2024

Last week Iris left a comment after the post ‘What I wish I’d known about grief as an introverted woman.’

I am just taking the first sentence that Iris wrote, which is this, “Is it wrong to grieve for your loved one while they are still alive?”

First of all it is NOT wrong to be grieving an imminent loss. As a nurse I saw this many times. Both young and old can be diagnosed with terminal conditions. I was nursing when hospice care was in it’s infancy and so many people died on wards, or in side wards, and their loved ones sat with their grieving relatives waiting for that last breath. I also nursed many terminally ill patients when I worked as a district nurse. I have shed many a tear with these relatives as we have collectively anticipated the dreaded passing of the terminally ill person.

Grieving before someone dies is not wrong, it is a way of beginning the grieving process and the imminent loss in advance of the actual death. While this is emotionally draining it is also a way of the brain and body preparing for this imminent passing of the person.

In the 1940’s a psychiatrist, Dr Erich Lindemann studied grief and loss. He highlighted the symptoms and emotional responses of people awaiting a loss, especially in relation to loved ones with terminal illnesses. Lindemann's work laid the foundation for understanding how grief can start long before a loss actually happens.

“Anticipatory grief permits the beginning of the work of mourning, which is a slow and painful process, and thereby softens the final shock, though never completely.” — Dr. Erich Lindemann

Emotions and feelings after the actual loss can vary widely from individual to individual. Some people may feel a sense of relief or closure, while others experience a surge of intensified grief. Research has shown that anticipatory grief doesn’t necessarily lessen the impact of the final loss; instead, it might be a way of preparing individuals, helping them to .acknowledge the inevitable and begin the grieving process.

"Anticipatory grief can provide a means of slowly letting go, helping people adapt to the inevitable and prepare for a changed future, but the actual death still opens a unique chapter of grief." — Dr. Kenneth Doka

Grief is disorientating in and of itself. Anticipatory grief begins the process sooner. I recall relatives saying how they felt as thought they were in limbo - and often asking the question, “When?” - When will my person die? What will I do afterwards? And there is no easy way to answer this type of question. The person will die when they die. What you choose to do post bereavement will depend on you.

I would however like to suggest the need for gentle self care at times like this. You may feel as though you want to ignore the beast that is grief but I am here to say that ignoring it won’t mean that it’s gone away.

> Self care and compassion may include some or all of the following -
1. Acknowledging that you have the right too feel however you are feeling in the moment.

2. There is no one way to grieve and cope with what you are experiencing.

3. Please, no comparing yourself to anyone else. Your grief is your grief.

4. Take your life and your grief at your pace, minute by minute, day by day.

5. Allow your emotions, and your tears, to ebb and flow

6. If it’s at all possible allow yourself to take breaks from your grief. Grief is a very demanding beast and will sap your energy if you allow it to. Decompressing in a loving and caring way by connecting with something you love may help you recharge, even if only briefly.

7. Asking for and accepting help, whether from friends and family or seeking professional help, is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

If you have any comments on this post or any of the others then please leave them in the comments or message me personally.

Next week I’ll take a look at the many and varied scenarios where you may find yourself experiencing anticipatory grief.

With love
Denise x