28/01/2025
Hi
In our journey together this week, we’ve explored the essential role of emotional safety in fostering trust and connection, even during times of conflict. Today, I want to share insights into the human struggles of conflict and repair, the importance of understanding differing needs, and actionable tools to help you create deeper relationships, even in challenging times.
The Personal Importance of Repairing Rupture
Some of the deepest therapeutic work I’ve done in my life has been learning how to properly repair relationships after a rupture. Navigating repair is a critical skill, yet it’s something we’re rarely taught. Without guidance, many of us adopt unhelpful post-conflict behaviours that can prevent resolution and even deepen disconnection.
For example, it’s common to see behaviours like:
Pretending like nothing happened to avoid the discomfort of addressing the conflict.
Not acknowledging the tension in the room, leaving unresolved emotions hanging.
Telling others to “move on” or “stop holding onto the past.”
Failing to share how the conflict impacted each person, which prevents true understanding and healing.
I also see these dynamics play out in family relationships, where roles, histories, and expectations can shape how conflict and repair are handled. As the middle of six children, I learned at a young age to avoid conflict by making myself smaller and more agreeable. I often felt that the easiest way to keep the peace was to suppress my own needs and avoid rocking the boat. Over time, this shaped my tendency to sidestep difficult conversations or avoid confrontation entirely—behaviours that I later realised didn’t serve my relationships or my emotional well-being.
As a young adult, these patterns followed me into romantic relationships. After a conflict, I often handled things by running away—literally. If there was an argument with a partner, I would disappear for days at a time, avoiding the situation entirely. Looking back, I can see how this behaviour must have been deeply hurtful and anxiety-inducing for my partners. At the time, I didn’t understand that my actions were part of my own coping mechanism, shaped by my attachment style and lack of tools for navigating conflict.
One experience stands out vividly. I was visiting a partner in Ireland, and after a particularly dynamic, difficult, and upsetting argument, I couldn’t handle the intensity of the situation. I felt unsafe and my instinct was to flee. I bolted toward the taxi waiting to take me to the airport, desperate to escape. In my rush, I smashed my head on the edge of the taxi door so hard that I gave myself a concussion. For the next ten days, I could barely open my eyes without pain. That was an expensive rupture—physically, emotionally, and financially. Reflecting on it now, I see how my inability to process the conflict in the moment led to such a dramatic and avoidable fallout. I havn’t been back to Ireland since… 🤔? Road trip anyone?
On the other hand, some of my partners had anxious responses and felt the need to talk for hours—sometimes 10 or more—about all the problems in the relationship. Like dude! Even the cats meowing to leave! This often felt overwhelming to me, and I needed to leave to self-regulate and create space. I didn’t realise at the time that our differing needs for repair and timing were clashing in ways that added to the hurt. These experiences taught me that repair isn’t one-size-fits-all, and understanding each person’s unique repair needs and timelines is essential to rebuilding trust and connection.
As an integrative relationship coach, I work with individuals and couples—siblings, friends, families, and other relationship configurations—who are wrestling with the pain of unresolved issues, the fear of creating deeper ruptures, and the desire to rebuild trust. Whether in friendships, families, monogamous partnerships, or polyamorous relationships, the challenges of repair often stem from unmet needs, differing attachment responses, and conflicting communication habits. The tools I offer—rooted in emotional safety, clear communication, and understanding differing repair needs—are powerful and transformative. When all parties engage with curiosity, care, and a willingness to collaborate, repair becomes an opportunity to strengthen connection and deepen understanding. But even this can take time and that’s normal and ok.
Collaboration Is Key—And Sometimes Repair Isn’t Possible
While these tools are incredibly effective, collaboration in repair is non-negotiable. Repairing a rupture requires active participation and emotional labor from everyone involved. Without that shared commitment, the process stalls.
One of the most important skills to cultivate is the ability to recognise when you’re shouldering too much of the emotional labor in a relationship. While it’s natural for one person to lead in some moments, sustained imbalance—where only one party is consistently engaging in repair or initiating connection—can become draining and unsustainable.
When you find yourself in this position, it’s vital to reflect on whether the relationship dynamic truly supports your well-being. If collaboration isn’t present or achievable, it’s okay to stop, step back, or make a new decision that prioritises your personal balance and happiness.
Repair is a choice, and sometimes the most empowering choice is to let go of what no longer serves you. Offering yourself the space to honour your needs, set boundaries, and protect your peace is as transformative as the work of repair itself.
Actionable Tools for Repair
Here are some practical tools to support self-regulation, co-regulation, and repair:
The 4 C’s of Relationship Repair
Communicate: Speak with clarity and openness using “I” statements.Example: “I felt dismissed during the meeting, and I’d like to share why that mattered to me.”
Contribute: Take responsibility for your role in the conflict.Example: “I realise I interrupted you earlier, and I apologise for that. I’d like to make space to connect—would you be open to that?”
Care: Show empathy and validate emotions.Example: “I understand why this was upsetting, and I value your perspective. Let’s grab coffee and talk in a relaxed space.”
Collaborate: Work together to create solutions.Example: “We both want to feel respected—what can we do to ensure this? I want our connection to be clear, fulfilling, and fun—how can we get there?”
I know that these statements may feel like the first time you tasted an olive or robot like… that is normal, using new words in a new way for a new outcome will feel abit weird.. over time they will flow naturally and feel more integrated. Either way they create space for more listening feeling and connecting.
The NEST Technique for Self- and Co-RegulationThe NEST Technique helps you and others pause, reflect, and regulate emotions before engaging further. It involves checking in across four dimensions:
N: Number your stress level (1 = calm, 10 = fully activated).
E: Identify your emotion (e.g., relaxed, calm, sad, angry, overwhelmed).
S: Notice physical sensations (e.g., hunger, tension, restlessness).
T: Acknowledge your thoughts (e.g., “I feel unheard” or “I want to withdraw”).
Self-Regulation: Before addressing a conflict, take a moment to complete your own NEST check.
Co-Regulation: Invite the other person to do the same—not to analyse or solve but to understand where each person is emotionally. Avoid digging into why the numbers are high or rationalising the results. Simply acknowledge and hold space for each other’s feelings.Example: “I’m at a 7 right now and feeling frustrated. Let’s take a moment to breathe before continuing.”
Choosing Your Path Forward
The tools I offer are here to empower you, but they are only as effective as the willingness of all involved to engage. When collaboration is absent, and the emotional labor consistently falls on one person, it’s important to ask yourself whether repair is worth the cost to your emotional health.
Sometimes the most courageous decision is not to continue trying to fix something that isn’t reciprocal but to step away and choose a path that prioritises your balance, happiness, and well-being.
Repairing isn’t just about salvaging a relationship—it’s about creating a dynamic that grows and maintains mutual respect, care, and connection. And when that’s not possible, stepping back is an act of self-care and empowerment that opens the door to new possibilities.
Stay tuned for the final email in this series, where we’ll wrap it all up with practical ways to put these tools into action in real life.
Warm regards,Ro (pass the icepack) HarstadMy Relaxation Coach
