28/03/2026
One of the clearest patterns I see in women 40+ is this: they mistake self-abandonment for normal life.
They think:
“This is just what midlife is.”
“This is just what motherhood is.”
“This is just what being needed all the time feels like.”
But when I look more closely, I often see 5 recurring stages:
The Self-Abandonment Pattern
1. Override
She ignores what she feels and does what is needed.
2. Overgive
She keeps saying yes, helping, holding, fixing, absorbing.
3. Drain
Her emotional, mental, and physical energy starts to drop.
4. Resent
She becomes irritable, flat, reactive, or withdrawn.
5. Blame herself
Instead of recognising the pattern, she calls herself moody, difficult, or ungrateful.
This is one of the reasons so many women feel confused.
They are seeing the final stage and missing the first four.
A simple “you might be here” check:
Do you say yes quickly and regret it later?
Do you feel guilty asking for help?
Do you keep functioning while quietly feeling worse?
Do you get resentful, then ashamed of the resentment?
Do you struggle to name what you need?
If yes, the issue may not be your personality.
It may be a pattern.
And patterns can be changed.
The biggest takeaway:
You cannot build a stronger version of yourself on top of chronic self-abandonment.
Awareness has to come first.
Which part of that 5-stage pattern do you recognise most in yourself?