10/06/2025
I’m really glad I read this today ❤️ and sending out to anyone else who needs a reality check and a well done, to celebrate some little parenting wins that might not look like anyone else’s
When I had small children, I noticed something strange. As I tried to work out how on earth to get any sleep and enough time to shower, some parents seemed to have it sorted. Their babies were sleeping through the night in their own cot. Their toddlers were eating their greens. Their older children were saying please and thank you, and getting dressed in the mornings without a struggle.
I wondered what they knew that I didn’t. Was I getting this all wrong? It seemed that some of them thought so, because they quickly started to promote themselves as parenting coaches. I could sign up to get their advice, and maybe my life would start to look like theirs. Maybe they’d tell me the secret of leaving the house without a meltdown, or getting everyone to sit around the table for meals? Maybe they’d tell me how to keep the floors clean (ish) when I couldn’t switch on the vacuum cleaner because it caused such distress. Maybe they could help me crack the holy grail of ‘independent play’.
Then I gave myself a reality check. Children aren’t a product. There isn’t a set of parenting techniques which can be applied and then results guaranteed. Children are people, and people are hugely variable. Some need more or less help to go to sleep. Some are more sensitive to smells or taste. Some find it easier to comply with requests, and some actually want to play by themselves. Our tasks as parents isn’t to make our children into something different, it’s to respond to what they bring – while trying to keep ourselves sane in the process.
It seemed ironic to me that the parents whose children fitted into their lives with most ease felt that this was due to something that they were getting right.
Whereas those whose children overturned their life and who required a whole new approach – those parents almost invariably felt that they were getting it all wrong. The parents who were managing the most demands and who were working the hardest often felt the worst about what they were doing.
The rest of the world didn’t appreciate their work, because we typically judge parenting by a child’s behaviour. A ‘well-brought up’ child is one who does what adults say and doesn’t make trouble. Blame firmly with the parents.
Those critical voices, both internal and external, makes the tough job of parenting so much tougher. It means that parents who are working so hard never allow themselves to feel good about what they do. Their work is invisible, until it all goes wrong. Then everyone can see and they feel terrible.
We can’t do much about the perceptions of others, but we can do something about ourselves. We can refuse to judge our parenting by our children’s behaviour, and instead appreciate the flexibility and empathy we draw on every day. We can celebrate the small wins and congratulate ourselves. For the most demanding parenting is often invisible until it goes wrong.
Let’s change the story right here, and allow ourselves to say Well Done.
(illustration by Eliza Fricker Missing The Mark from 'When The Naughty Step Makes Things Worse', our book for children (and adults) who need something different).
