Plain Sailing Therapies

28/11/2025

Trauma bonds aren't simply a challenging relationship; they are deeply rooted in our basic need for attachment and security.

The abuser wields tremendous power and control, that compounds with shame and embarrassment, making it feel impossible for the abused person to leave.

The abuse is tactical, engineered and planned, all carried out with the sole purpose of meeting the abuser's needs.

Despite the experience, in terms of self-destruction, being like no other, it is possible to leave, and indeed thrive with focused support and therapy.

If this resonates, get in touch.

27/11/2025

26/11/2025

25/11/2025

If we remain in relationships where gaslighting is the norm, it is a toxic, and abusive relationship, with someone who is a Narcissist.

The systematic destruction is delivered by means of manipulative mind control, whereby the perpetrator projects, villainises, and targets their victim and will then interject these moments with kind, thoughtful and generous behaviours.

The sole purpose of conducting the relationship in this way, by drip feeding a few "good" times, is to keep us craving those, and adapting our own behaviour in attempt to achieve just that. What it does do however, is create cognitive dissonance, which manifests in the form of justification, rationalisation, and normalisation of the abuse.

The Narcissist replaces the collection of characteristics that once defined us with all their negative projections. What this does is generate a self-perception of being weak, inadequate, worthless, and incapable of living without them.

This is trauma bonding.

I am seeing more and more clients who are affected by the machinations of Narcissistic individuals, which does require very specific treatment. If this resonates, please get in touch.

24/11/2025

21/11/2025

20/11/2025

When we understand our triggers, our attachment styles, our belief systems and the emotional charges that created those beliefs, we can deal with life’s challenges without being completely wiped out.

19/11/2025

Anxious and avoidant attachment styles are both due to unmet emotional needs in he attachment process, although in different ways by our primary caregivers.

Anxious type attachment is is caused by inconsistent parenting, whilst the avoidant style is influenced by parents who are dismissive, neglectful or rejecting of their children's needs.

Both of these styles can have traumatic consequences, not only in childhood, but in the way we see ourselves, and how we relate to others in adulthood.

The first step in healing from attachment difficulties is to recognise our relationship needs, and to work on communicating these effectively. This may mean that we have to reprocess some painful memories so that we can become aware of our triggers, learn how to become less reactive, and more responsive to these triggers.

In so doing, we can move towards feeling more secure in our relationships which are characterised by consistency, a sense of safety, transparency and understanding.

18/11/2025

We can only self-validate if we know what core attachment needs are. By realising what constitutes the very basics of a healthy relationship, whether that be with family, friends, or our partners, we can begin to establish and accept our authentic selves.

Feeling safe, secure, comforted and accepted in childhood are the threads that we follow into adulthood to assess what type of attachments we have developed, and in particular, what unfulfilled needs we may still have.

The first steps that we can take towards understanding our attachment style are:

- Examine our beliefs about relationships.
- Increase our emotional awareness by allowing ourselves full expression of our emotions.
- Communicate openly, and listen empathetically.
- Surround ourselves with others who have healthy relationships.
- Learn to self-regulate by managing our impulses and reactions.
- Generate a core belief system that comprises cognitive appraisals of ourselves, caregivers, friendships and life in general.
- Analyse our defences against stress and trauma, and especially our resourcefulness and resilience.

The impact that this process has on our relationships is phenomenal - the relief is knowing that we can learn to self-validate, which impacts our attachment style tremendously, and prevents us seeking out relationships for their familiarity, rather than security, safety, support and acceptance.

17/11/2025

Attachment theory outlines how our bond with our primary caregivers sets the foundation for how you navigate relationships throughout life.

The primary goal of a human infant is to maintain proximity to it's caregiver which is necessary for survival. Infants and toddlers are constantly monitoring their caregivers to see which strategies allow them to stay close.

If a child can consistently rely on their caregivers to fulfil their needs growing up, they're likely to develop a secure attachment style. They'll see relationships as a safe space where they can express their emotions freely.

On the other hand, an insecure attachment style develops if a child has a strained bond with their caregivers. The child learns that they may not be able to rely on others to fulfil basic needs and comfort.

In adulthood, we subconsciously expect our relationships to replicate those experienced in our early years, and we act in certain ways due to these expectations.

However, with conscious recognition, we can change our attachment style, and develop healthy and secure bonds in future relationships.

14/11/2025

14/11/2025

We absolutely have to look at the role we play in our own suffering.

Creating this awareness about what was lacking, what was a coping mechanism rooted in fear or anxiety, or what was purely conditioning from past experiences first, means that we can begin to address the root causes of why we’re just managing the symptoms of our thinking.

We become autonomous when we take responsibility for our own responses and become accountable for our actions, rather than feel like we’re victims of circumstance and blame others for our choices and decisions.