15/04/2024
💔
Dearest Billy,
I would usually be up late the night before your birthday wrapping up presents, blowing up balloons and hanging birthday banners, but tonight I don’t really know what to do with myself.
You’ll be five tomorrow, Billy. Five! I’ve laid out all your birthday cards on the floor, I didn’t know how else to display them all, I tried to stand them up, but they kept falling over. I wanted to leave something out for the morning for you and this was the best idea I had.
So many cards, Billy. You are so loved. You told me once in the weeks before you died that you didn’t think you had “much friends” but you couldn’t have been more wrong. Being away from your friends for so long and not being able to play with them like you used to when you did see them would have been so hard for you.
I’ve been busy putting together an hour long movie of my favourite photos and videos of you for your funeral. I’ve been working on it all week. It was really hard looking back. I’d get lost watching you grow up doing things I remember and some things I’d forgotten and I almost believed you were still here. When I stopped working on it, reality came crashing in to hit me like a truck once again. That feeling happens so many times a day. I still just cannot believe you are gone.
I’d be hoping you’d be sleeping now, so I could wrap your presents without you coming back downstairs, like you often did, sneaking into the room and giggling on the sofa behind one of those large cushions until we noticed you were there.
I wish I could find you there now, cheekily buying time before bed. I’d hold your hand and walk you back up to your room, tuck you into your bed all excited for tomorrow and for the rest of your life.
This pain hurts so bad. I miss you like crazy. ❤️🌻