31/12/2024
This is a long post, so get comfy.
Think about something you enjoy doing, eg running/baking/playing an instrument. Could you always do this thing as well as you do now, right from the beginning? Or did you push yourself, practice, get a little better over time? Why did you do this? Why didn’t you give up the first time it got a bit hard? The answer is that we often relish and enjoy the challenges life presents, it’s what makes things satisfying. If you choose to think of life this way, it’s all a big game.
In the amusement arcade, say you spend five pounds on 2p pieces, and spend half an hour putting them into the 2p pusher machine. When the money is all gone, do you feel angry and resentful that you didn’t make a profit? Or do you feel like you enjoyed playing the game, and didn’t have any expectations of winning anything?
Have you ever bought a raffle ticket, or a lottery ticket? What happens every time you don’t win? Do you store that loss away, remembering it, ruminating on it, becoming depressed, vowing to never take a chance like that again? Or do you shrug, feel a little disappointed, then let it go and move on?
Your experience proves that you can do this letting go, it’s your choice. So if you want to, you can practice doing this for things you currently hold on to, things that are making you unhappy now, every day.
All you have to do is be with whatever is happening; if you feel something, feel it - then let it go, just like you do with the losing raffle ticket. If something is meaningful, but difficult - see it as a game, a challenge. Find some enjoyment in tackling the problem and feel the satisfaction in the little wins you make, just like you do with the running (or stamp collecting, crafting, horse riding, football etc).
Think of what life would be like if everything you attempted was simple the first time. If everything you tried you were excellent at straight off the bat. It’s not only boring, it’s frustrating. We want to find a boundary to push, we want to test and challenge ourselves; it’s what makes us feel good.
That’s what life is for; to test us, to challenge us, to make us better and more skilled, to evolve. When we hold unrealistic expectations and refuse to let things go, we suffer.
It’s not easy to let go of past pain, old hurts, the things we’ve buried deep, the things that hurt a lot. So practice with the easy stuff - don’t allow any more stuff to be piled on top of those old hurts. If you drop something, or stub your toe, or lose your glasses, practice accepting that it happened, even not minding. This doesn’t mean that you don’t pick the thing up, that your toe doesn’t hurt or that you don’t look for your glasses, it just means that you don’t make a negative emotional investment in it. You know what a negative emotional investment looks like:
“Oh, for crying out loud!”
“I’m such a clumsy idiot”
“Why do these things always happen to me?”
“Aaaaaarrrggghhhh!!!”
Etc
You can choose to think/say:
“Whoops”
“Ow, that hurt”
“Hmm, now where did I put my glasses…?”
You accept that what happened is what is, take the appropriate action and move on. No baggage. No stored hurt or resentment. Instead of standing on the shore, trying to stand up in the face of continual waves crashing into you, you learn to float on top of the swell as it rises and falls beneath you. With practice, the small things don’t matter at all, the big things become much easier to navigate. You learn and grow from each experience. You are happier, more contented, peaceful.
This kind of attitude towards life; that of seeing it as a game to be played, a set of challenges to enjoy navigating, is not going to transform your life overnight. As I’ve said, it takes time and practice. But the rewards are deep and life changing.
If you want to aim for a better life in 2025, you might choose to give this a go. In any event, happy new year and good mental health from Oak Leaf Counselling.
