03/10/2025
Have you ever found yourself reacting to someone and later thinking, “Why did I say that?”
Or maybe you’ve heard yourself sounding just like your parents - or your inner child throws a tantrum when things don't go your way.
This wondering comes up frequently with clients at The Garden Rooms, and there is a really useful theory of human behaviour and communication, that offers some understanding and guidance around these responses - it comes from Transactional Analysis theory, and is called the Ego States; Parent, Adult & Child.
It's a very simple idea, however it often feels quite tricky to explain in 'one go', so I decided to create a blog that I could refer people to, so they can read and digest it gently, and at their own pace.
Let's break it down...
We all switch between three ego states in our daily lives—often without even realising it. These aren't personality types or mental health diagnoses; they’re simply ways we think, feel, and behave, depending on the situation we are in.
Parent Ego State
This can be described as being like a voice recording from our past—usually based on what we saw and heard from authority figures (like parents, teachers, or religious leaders).
There are two kinds:
Critical Parent – Sets rules, judges, corrects
Nurturing Parent – Comforts, cares, protects
When it's helpful:
Giving guidance, showing love, protecting others
When it's not helpful:
Being overly controlling, judgmental, or dismissive
Everyday Example:
You see someone speeding and say, “That’s so irresponsible!” – Critical Parent
Your friend is crying and you say, “It’s okay, I’m here for you.” – Nurturing Parent
Adult Ego State
This is your calm, rational, problem-solving self. It lives in the here and now. It checks facts and makes decisions based on what’s really happening—not what happened in the past or what might happen in the future.
When it's helpful:
Solving problems, respectful conversations, logical decision making
When it’s not engaged:
You might get stuck in emotional reactions or outdated beliefs
Everyday Example:
Your car breaks down and you say, “Okay, let me call roadside assistance.” – Adult
Someone sends you a mean text and you pause to respond calmly – Adult
Child Ego State
This is the emotional part of you, shaped in childhood. It includes your natural curiosity, creativity, playfulness—and your fears, anger, and need for approval.
There are also two sides:
Free Child – Playful, spontaneous, joyful
Adapted Child – Compliant, rebellious, fearful
When it’s helpful:
Having fun, expressing genuine emotions, being creative
When it’s not helpful:
Throwing tantrums, shutting down, reacting out of fear or insecurity
Everyday Example:
You dance in the kitchen because your favorite song comes on – Free Child
Your boss gives you feedback and you feel like hiding – Adapted Child
How these ego states may show up in the every day:
Let’s say you and your partner are deciding where to go for dinner:
You (Adult): “What are you in the mood for tonight?”
Partner (Child): “I want pizza, I always want pizza!”
You (Parent): “You had pizza two nights ago. You really need to eat healthier.”
Partner (Child - Rebellious): “You’re not the boss of me!”
We can see how quickly the conversation shifted.
If you stay in Adult, you might say: "Okay, I know you love pizza. I’m craving something different tonight—maybe we can compromise?”
That small shift can help de-escalate the situation and keep communication healthy.
We all move between these states all the time. The key is to notice which one you're in, and choose the one that fits best for the moment.
Sometimes, your Child needs to come out and play. Other times, your Parent can give needed structure. But ideally, your Adult stays in charge—balancing the other two.
Why does this matter?
Understanding ego states can:
Improve communication
Reduce arguments
Help you stay calm in conflict
Let you understand your reactions—and other people’s
It’s like having an inner toolkit you can use to navigate relationships with more awareness and ease.
Next time you're in a tricky situation, ask yourself:
Am I reacting like a Parent, Adult, or Child?
Is this response helping or hurting the situation?
What would my Adult say or do here?
Just that bit of awareness can shift everything.
You don’t need to be a therapist or be in therapy to use Transactional Analysis. Once you learn to recognise your ego states, generally, life gets a little easier. You can step back, respond (not just react), and connect with people in healthier ways.
Next time you're in the post office queue or stuck in a temporary traffic light wait, and you notice you're feeling a reaction, maybe wonder what Ego state you are moving into...and what might serve you better.
I hope this is helpful 💚
