05/03/2019
Sometimes it just happens. Nothing will spark it, you'll just feel yourself sink quickly and horribly into a dark hole. It's those times that all self-healing and meditative skills you've learned go right out the window. Bam! Your day just became the gloomiest of all. You hate everything about yourself, you feel the energy for life being sucked out you, your heart goes crazy, and the most disturbing thoughts on how to end the pain flood your mind.
So far, this year has consisted of a number of those days. Over the years I have suffered on/off without knowing how to fully explain it, and feeling embarrassed. This came to a head about three years ago, I had no idea how to deal with it. Travelling extensively was the only way I knew how to keep my head up. I thought I was a psycho, not able to control emotions, not able to laugh. I felt desperately low.
It was two years ago that I started therapy. And almost instantly I could feel the stress and pain leaving my body. During 2017 and the beginning of 2018, I still travelled, I worked hard, and I was finally happy with myself. I felt cured!
2019- I have lost the ability to zen, to feel good about myself. I let a budding relationship fall apart because I kept falling deeper back into that black hole. The disturbing thoughts returned. I had a lot going for me, my business is growing fast, but I couldn't pick myself up. Why? Because I had stopped talking to people about it. I let it all bottle up again.
I want to feel high on life again. And thankfully, I reached out to some of the most amazing people- friends and family. Conversation, openness, connection. Some people will surprise you and know exactly what to say to help you. Others will just listen to you, which is all you need. If someone does let you down, it is vital that you move past it- others aren't like that.
Us blokes are a huge negative statistic when it comes to mental health/suicide. You cannot let it get to that stage. People love you, even if they don't know you, no one would let you suffer in silence. In your normal state, you know that. So when you feel blue, reach out. To me, to whoever. 💚
