23/07/2020
My beautiful, funny, kind courageous Mum lost her battle with cancer 2 weeks ago and I have absolutely no idea how to grieve.
People keep asking me how I am, assume that my birthday was tough and that I’m walking round in a fog of grief but the honest (& slightly worrying)truth is that I’m fine. I feel her with me every day, I know she is at peace - I can’t be sad about that.
But more than that I have no idea how to let go.
For 18 months we held on, when things got worse we found hope. Reframed our expectations, looked for the positives and held on to those. Now there is no reframing, nothing positive can happen now - in a way there is no hope and still I can’t let go.
I have absolutely no idea why I’m writing this. It just feels like something, at a time when I largely feel no different but know, deep down, that I am completely different forever.