Leyla Swan Psychotherapist/Counsellor

20/07/2025

Who is that phrase for?⁠
⠀⁠
"My parents did the best they could." is a non fault phrase that we as healers need to thoroughly examine. I see it as an idea that keeps people stuck.⁠
⠀⁠
Is it true? Was THAT their best? Did your toxic parents:⁠
⠀⁠
-seek help?⁠
-reflect on how things were going?⁠
-make brave decisions on your behalf?⁠
-leave abusers to keep you safe?⁠
-ask what their part in things were?⁠
-wonder why you were showing signs of trauma?⁠
⠀⁠
I call bullsh*t.⁠
⠀⁠
The phrase doesn't work for most of us, and I think it gets in the way of healing. It implies that had our parents been more informed, or had access to resources, things would have been different.⁠
⠀⁠
Narcissistic and codependent parents don't operate that way. ⁠
It's super generous to think they would.⁠
⁠
It's okay for both survivors and clinicians to hold toxic parenting accountable.⁠
⠀⁠
Accessing and processing anger, rage, grief, sadness and above all - the truth is how healing works. We don't stay in those feelings forever - we move on.⁠
⠀⁠
"They did the best they could"- is just like childhood, where we overly focus on the toxic parent and not OUR experience.

12/07/2025

11/06/2025

04/06/2025

16/05/2025

https://www.instagram.com/stories/richard.grannon/3633721165470999083?utm_source=ig_story_item_share&igsh=MXY4d3Q3MjV2b2Vjbg==

133K Followers, 1,457 Following, 1,104 Posts

07/05/2025

*This post is for childhood trauma survivors processing a type of parent who complicates and confuses love. It is not directed at parents trying to break generational cycles and doing their best to take action and parent from a different place. I see you and honor you.⁠
⁠
There is a common issue in childhood trauma recovery where, at some point, many survivors need to unpack and redefine how they experienced love from a parent.⁠
⁠
Some survivors grew up in anti-love families where no adult was safe. Some grew up with a blatantly unsafe and abusive parent paired with a parent who was seemingly safer and more available if not bonded with their child.⁠
⁠
The safer parent, often the parent we need to do more healing work around due to the complexity, is extremely tricky because, in some ways, there was love, but not the love that counts, such as protection.⁠
⁠
Here are some examples of expressions of love but not protection.⁠
⁠
*Soothing a child after abuse from the other parent, but not taking action against the offending parent.⁠
⁠
*Comforting a child after abuse from a sibling, but also somewhat blaming them for not seeing it coming.⁠
⁠
On the surface, and especially to the safer parent, it seems harsh and punitive to hold them accountable when there may have been attempts at expressing love or acknowledging the abuse in indirect ways.⁠
⁠
However, children are set up by a safer parent who often teaches that one is powerless against abusers and that love without real action is good enough when it is not. ⁠
⁠
The genuine love of a child is fierce and brave.⁠
⁠
The concept that love is a behavior and not a declaration is helpful in processing the safer parents.⁠
⁠
Doing work around the safer parent will often involve intense guilt and shame at getting to the grief and anger about their lack of responsibility. Our inner child usually needs to see the safer parent as a secure home base, and our inner adult needs to help them know they weren't.⁠
⁠
Getting to the grief and reality is what will free us from the idea that we weren't worthy of complete protection, and that it wasn't that bad when it was.⁠
⁠
What do you think?

04/05/2025

Different types of sad

25/04/2025

If you grew up in abuse and dysfunction like I did, most likely at a young age, you had a sense of how limited one or both of your parents were. So many clients, including myself, are marinated in guilt or embarrassment for the parent who can't get out of their own way. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
What do I mean by that?⠀⁠
⠀⁠
-The parent who makes a scene at Target or at the restaurant because they must be miserable or can't manage their emotions like an adult.⠀⁠
⠀⁠
-The parent who "gets even."⠀⁠
⠀⁠
-The parent who shows up at your door to prove a point to your spouse or children. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
-The parent who refuses to get sober or recognize/admit that there is a problem. ⠀⁠
-The parent who is going "straight to court" to fight it - even if they are wrong.⠀⁠
⠀⁠
Even if they crash and burn, there is still much ego and defiance.⠀⁠
⠀⁠
-The parent who will refuse to look at their part in things or their parenting - even if they take that refusal to their deathbeds. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
Many of us feel the abuse as their adult children, but our inner child feels compassion for the toxic parent instead of themselves. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
The inner child will choose the parent's limitations over their own truth and feelings until our inner adult changes that and focuses on what happened to that child within us. We must break the family rule that the toxic parent always comes first.⠀⁠
⠀⁠
I tell clients that our inner child "knows too much" or "feels too much" for such toxic parents. Instead, we need to cultivate realness and compassion for ourselves for healing.⠀⁠
⠀⁠
When we feel too much or know too much about how limited our parents are, we don't honor our own abuse, and we choose their feelings or perceived victimhood over our abuse symptoms. ⠀⁠
⠀⁠
It's a stuck place, and the way out is calling it like it is and looking deeply at what it's like to be their child - what the toxicity does to us instead of what it does to them. ⠀⁠
⁠

18/04/2025

04/04/2025

03/04/2025

26/03/2025

Who is that phrase for?⁠
⠀⁠
"My parents did the best they could." is a non fault phrase that we as healers need to thoroughly examine. I see it as an idea that keeps people stuck.⁠
⠀⁠
Is it true? Was THAT their best? Did your toxic parents:⁠
⠀⁠
-seek help?⁠
-reflect on how things were going?⁠
-make brave decisions on your behalf?⁠
-leave abusers to keep you safe?⁠
-ask what their part in things were?⁠
-wonder why you were showing signs of trauma?⁠
⠀⁠
I call bullsh*t.⁠
⠀⁠
The phrase doesn't work for most of us, and I think it gets in the way of healing. It implies that had our parents been more informed, or had access to resources, things would have been different.⁠
⠀⁠
Narcissistic and codependent parents don't operate that way. ⁠
It's super generous to think they would.⁠
⁠
It's ok for both survivors and clinicians to hold toxic parenting accountable.⁠
⠀⁠
Accessing and processing anger, rage, grief, sadness and above all - the truth is how healing works. We don't stay in those feelings forever - we move on.⁠
⠀⁠
"They did the best they could"- is just like childhood, where we overly focus on the toxic parent and not OUR experience.