22/12/2025
It’s no secret December is a rough month for me these day, and the time of year where we should all be feeling joy, I find, for the most part, utterly miserable.
After losing dad it got hard cos there was no midnight text on dec 25th to be the first to wish me happy birthday, nobody to fight over the roses strawberry creams with. Nobody singing space and wizard at the top of their voice.
Then losing Stan so close to Xmas and heavily pregnant with Riley just felt so cruel and Xmas felt just horrible since, l’ve never been able to shake the sadness in my chest in December ever since that day.
The worst has been since losing mum, she loved Xmas and I lived for our Xmas shopping days out, bath Xmas markets, rushing out to try the costa Xmas specials, buying Xmas choccies, me complaining she always wrapped my birthday presents in Xmas paper.
When she died, that all died with her.
I’m not a person with a big social circle so my Xmas fun was always with mum, since she’s been gone I’ve not had a single shopping trip or Xmas day out.
As a mum it’s a funny one, cos now Riley is old enough to experience “the magic” and his excitement for it all is so lovely, I want to so much to make it all special an magical for him, and yet I still do it with the heaviest feeling in my heart that makes it all a bit half arsed.
Getting through it for me is putting a brave face on for Riley, dressing him in Xmas jumpers then going to bed crying every night, if it’s the same for you, that’s ok
I’m not posting for sympathy, simply using this space to journal my feelings and to put it out there for anyone else that feels the same, it’s ok for December to be s**t!
If you need to hide from the glitter and the tinsel and the jolly s**t and just be, that’s ok.
Whatever you need to do it’s ok.
If you need to just hang on and survive this month, and hide from the world, it’s ok.
Hang on in there and it will soon be January.
