Luke Stableford CBT & Mindfulness

24/02/2024

What if believing that your relationship should be passionate and intense was actually making your relationship worse?

After spending years studying relationship dynamics, I realised that the dissatisfaction that most of us feel in relationships is partly because unconsciously we’re holding the belief that “love should always feel passionate and intense”.

The romantic love or “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is biologically wired to last between 6 months to 2 years. After this, those juicy feelings of passion and intensity fade…

At this point we feel discontent with our partners, often believing that we’re not in love anymore or they don’t want us. Many relationships end at this point, which is then repeated in later relationships. If they don’t end, they become cold and couples run parallel disconnected lives.

There have been a number of scientific studies that suggest romantic love and passion fade over time. AND that it can also evolve into a deeper, more stable form of love characterised by commitment, companionship, and emotional intimacy.

So here's the missing link that I discovered on my journey. Rather than focussing on the lack of passion or trying to increase it, relationships need nurturing by increasing emotional intimacy and communication. If not, you’re likely to be unhappy in your relationships.

And the good news is that passion can then paradoxically be rekindled! Coming from a deeper and more stable place.

Now, this takes persistent work… But I hope your relationship is worth it!

In the meantime, let me know in the comments, what aspects of love do you value most in your relationships?

01/02/2024

13/09/2023

Putting your else out there and trying something new is cringe 🤣🙌

16/02/2023

This stood out for me as something I need to regularly remind myself! However, the more I work through my own stuff the more I’m able to connect to universal love. It just depends on the intention motivating personal growth.

15/02/2023

Follow my new business Instagram account and learn more about my journey and work with psychotherapy, personal development, plant medicines, and ta**ra.

15/02/2023

Self care? Or self defeating? Whether a behaviour like treating ourselves to a piece of the best carrot cake ever is helpful or unhelpful depends on the function and context of the behaviour.

What does it do for us? Does it temporarily get rid of unwanted feelings? Is it a regular pattern? What are the long term consequences? Eg if I were eating sweet treats when I feel sad or stressed on a regular basis then it’s likely to block emotional processing and lead to unwanted consequences such as health issues and maintenance of mental health issues.

In this context it was an indulgent sensual treat as part a day spent connecting with friends. A move towards values rather than away from distress. That’s the key.

Ultimately doing anything to block emotions in likely to be unhelpful in the long run. Sure we all do it and a little temporary respite is ok. And if it becomes a pattern better to take some time off. I’m currently taking time off caffeine and alcohol for that reason.

What are your go to emotional blockers?

14/02/2023

A reminder that I still need to do my movement practice today!

13/02/2023

I have this discussion with clients when they finish therapy. Many people tend to work on their mental health when they are feeling distressed - stressed, anxious, depressed. And then when they’re feeling better and/or finish therapy they stop doing the things that were helping them “feel better”. Unfortunately, this often means that the symptoms return over time.

This makes sense as we are strongly motivated by avoiding discomfort. And when the discomfort goes we are no longer motivated to do the work. Focusing on getting rid of unwanted uncomfortable experiences does not work in the long run.

It’s more about developing skills to respond flexibly so that they have less impact on our lives. The time to practice this is when we don’t need them - when we’re not distressed. And then we are prepared for when life’s inevitable challenges trigger distress and reactiveness.

My view is to see mental wellbeing as a life long practice, a hobby that helps us to get the most out of life. Because life is precious and I want it to be as fulfilling and meaningful as possible. The more I work on my mental wellbeing the better my life is. And the more able I am to stay well from mental health difficulties.

Have a daily mental wellbeing practice and develop knowledge and skills through reading, courses, podcasts. A mental wellbeing practice can include whatever you find useful - mindfulness, compassion, breathwork, journaling, tools from therapy. Keep those tools sharp and ready for use.

10/02/2023

Many people try to control or change their thinking or emotions. It is natural and understandable to want to get rid of experiences that are unpleasant. We all do it. And these are not under our direct control and attempts to do so typically lead to increased suffering and vicious cycles that keep us stuck.

Focus on the only thing that you can control - your behaviour. And there is no need to change thoughts and feelings - they change indirectly through changing behaviour. Sure, you can “unhook” from your thoughts and feelings, change your relationship to them, so that they have less impact on taking action.

Cultivate willingness (acceptance) to experience uncomfortable thoughts and feelings in the service of creating a values driven meaningful and fulfilling life. In a mental health context, this typically means exposure and behavioural activation. You will find that these thoughts and feelings have less impact on you and may change altogether.

Often easier with a therapist or a coach. Book a free exploration call with me - link in bio.

10/02/2023

Believing that they are responsible for how others feel comes up with the majority of my clients. And this is something that I also unconsciously believed… I still notice sometimes that my actions are coming from this place. Attempting to make others feel better, to fix them, offer solutions… to rescue, or to not do or say things that

We are conditioned to believe this as children by parents who know no different. It is so common that it’s pretty much woven into our culture.

Instead, focus on what you are responsible for - your behaviour. Act in accordance with your values eg being kind, generous… or whatever is important to you. Communicating compassionately. Speaking your feelings and needs and asking what others need. Compassionately holding space for another to feel without trying to fix it. Asking consent before offering solutions. Notice when you change how you behave to avoid upsetting someone else when it doesn’t actually serve you.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Non-violent Communication, is an inspiration and a teacher for me. Shame he has passed over. And his work lives on.

**ra **ra