So there I stand in the mirror and what do I see? I see a reflection I don't want to see. A body I want to cover up and hide. A body I continuously compare to a thousand others. A refection that is loved by many, but not by myself.
WOW 2 STONE IN 11 WEEKS! That's crazy! What's your secret? How have you managed that? You look so different! Well done! That's amazing! I can really see it in you face!
Aged 32 and mum to three beautiful children, who are also my proudest achievements. After having my third child I realised that my body is not as resilient as it used to be. I enjoyed being pregnant and I think its safe to say, that I probably made the most of it too. It was the baby that loved the chocolate cake and biscuits! I mean, before I fell pregnant I was what they call 'happy in love' or 'comfortable.' Which really meant... I had hit the age where staying in the warm to watch Netflix and order a take away, with extra munchies for after, was the new night out for me. Not once was I told I was fat or un pretty, but gradually I began to dodge the mirror as I passed it.
I can honestly say that I've never been one to monitor my weight. This is mostly down to the battery needing to be changed in my mums scales since forever. That was probably not a bad thing either, as weighing can become obsessive. I’m more of a 'if I don't know I don't worry about it' kind of girl. That is until I had to visit the hospital for a check up. There it was! I knew my weight! Then the paranoia set in. Though the cakes and biscuits kept coming. I mean they taste so good, why would I want to say no?
My daughter was born. She is perfect. I on the other hand have never felt so dreadful. Every part of my body ached and for like over a week as well. I don't remember that happening the first or second time round. Maybe it was because I was pushing in my 30's now? I don't know? But it was defiantly different, I can tell you that. A few months passed and I swear I still looked pregnant. Well everyone told me I was looking 'really well' but I didn't feel it. My jeans that I wore before my first child still didn't fit and I swear my nose was still twice the size. I decided it was time to sort myself out. I was fed up, feeling tired, heavy and hungry. And sick of wearing extra baggy t-shirts. It's hard to hide your body in the summer!
I joined the gym. I really put myself out there though, I joined a proper ‘mans gym’ full of weights, loud bangs and grunting! Lucky for me, it was my friend who persuaded me to go there and I'm so glad she did, because I love it. But the change I was expecting didn't come... I needed to do something else. I needed to try a diet? O M G the dreaded diet! One thing I always swore I could never do. 'I love food too much' It started... 'I don't want to live on salad' or 'rabbit food' as some might call it. No! 'Chocolate is my best friend, chocolate needs me' the excuses kept coming. Anything but a diet! Then there it was, typed into google by my gym buddy’s phone 'Slimming World group near me.' Boom! there it was, round the corner from where I live as well. The group was even running later on that morning. Even better... NOT! 'I'm not ready yet' It started again... 'I need at least one more week of eating what I want' the excuses kept coming... 'I need more time to prepare myself...' But there I was, just a couple of hours later, opening the door to my new slimming world group. Opening the door that changed so much, so quickly.
It took a lot more of the whole talking to myself, to get me through them doors. I did not have a clue what to expect. You hear such mixed views on different ‘diets’ and I felt really nervous. I actually think, if I was walking through them doors alone, I might of never made it. Seriously, what was I so worried about? The building was welcoming and so where the people inside it. A friendly lady approached me and began talking... I remember leaving that group feeling surprised and strangely determined to forget about my chocolate bar waiting for me at home. I actually wanted to give this whole thing a good go. I had already began learning some new things, not only about food, but myself and even others. I'm not the only one who looks in the mirror and see's something they're not happy with.
And so my journey began. I wasn't dieting, I was food optimising. Look at me now! I've already stopped dodging the mirror. And let me tell you, that's a hard thing to do when there is one smack facing you every morning, when you roll out of bed. Come to think of it, I don't often roll out of bed anymore. I defiantly have a lot more 'get up and go' in me since walking through that door 11 weeks ago. In fact I'm feeling great. I've got 'that feeling'. I've fell in love with food in a new way. I cook more. I'm no longer sick of eating the same old dinners. Me and everyone else in my family, including the kids, have explored so may new flavours and I've not had one complaint yet!
There's a few favourites in there... My mum loves the 'Caribbean Pepper Pot’ My boyfriend loves the 'Tagliatelle bolognese' My son loves the Chilli-loaded Wedges.' Me on the other hand, I cant choose. There's too many, including 'Home made burgers' and 'Slimming World chips' or a 'fry Light' ‘Full English breakfast’. Fry light is my new best friend now. I haven't left my old best friend chocolate out though. I still manage to enjoy my time with chocolate. Mostly in the evenings, when I sit down to watch the soaps. Just not throughout the day, all day, every day. It also usually comes in the form of a 'Hifi bar' along with a mug of hot chocolate.
I love my Slimming World group and I make sure I go every week. Even when I'm not feeling like it, because I know if I haven't had a 'good week' or I have not stayed 'on plan' there's no judgement there. I don't need to feel ashamed. We're all human after all and we're all there for the same purpose. I've made new friends, I've learnt new things and I’ve felt supported when I've needed it. Most importantly, I've celebrated my success! Its hard work being human, being busy, feeling tired or emotional. Days change and so do moods and its when my mood changes I need the most support. The last thing I want to be doing is spending the day or week with my old best friend chocolate again. Some friendships can be bad for you. And all things bad for you are usually the ones that are the most fun. There's this mate I go out with sometimes, they call her Alcohol...
I'll always remember my first week, because It took me a while to get around the fact that if the food is free, I can eat as much of it as I like!? Seriously, how is anyone going to tell me that I can eat a fry up for breakfast, pasta for lunch and potatoes for dinner, everyday if I want and loose weight by next week? But you can. Because after cooking my meals the slimming world way, weighing out my healthy extras and avoiding my syns. I stood on them scales the very next week and I had lost 2lb. The second week I lost 3.5lb. It works! It works and I'm not hungry! Better still, I'm not living off only salad and fruit. I don't snack on chocolate, crisps and biscuits throughout the day anymore, for a quick fix to fill up. But I don't even want to, because I'm not hungry. And I'm always hungry. My shopping bill has actually gone down. My meals taste better and If I'm honest, I am actually annoyed that I didn't try it all sooner. This is defiantly me now. I'm defiantly a member for life. I've got 'that feeling' back. I'm already happier and more confident.
When I go out shopping, I'm looking at clothes I actually like, instead of the ones that will do well to hide my lumps and bumps. People have started to notice. That is a feeling I can't explain, but it feels great! I've got more drive and determination. That started from my first loss. Each week after that made me want it even more. I feel healthier, I'm not tired all the time and I can run up the stairs now, without getting out of breath half way up. My body feels lighter and there's definitely more spring in my step.
People might read this and think 'yeah ok, whatever' I was actually that person once. But honestly, all it takes is that first step. Big losses can happen quickly and they can happen at a steady rate. Anything is possible. I've found myself again in loosing weight and that is the one gain I am determined to hold on to.
So there I stand in the mirror and what do I see? I see a refection of strength and determination. A body that has been through so much and survived. A body that is not perfect but is mine. A reflection I am learning to love again.
