16/04/2026
I've worked with dozens of people who struggle with the same thing:
They can't access their anger.
Not because they're naturally calm, but because somewhere along the way, they learned anger wasn't safe.
A man came to see me who described himself as "too passive."
His partner would cross boundaries. His boss would pile on unreasonable demands. People would take advantage.
And he'd just... absorb it.
He knew he should stand up for himself, set boundaries, say no.
But every time he tried, he'd feel overwhelming guilt and anxiety.
"I just don't want to be difficult," he'd say.
Here's what we uncovered:
Growing up, his dad had an explosive temper. Anger meant doors slamming, shouting, people getting hurt emotionally.
His mum's response? She'd become completely calm. Soothing. Absorbing everyone's emotions to keep the peace.
So he learned:
Anger = danger and destruction
Being calm and accommodating = being good and safe
His brain built a rule: "Never let anger out. It only causes harm."
By adulthood, he'd buried his anger so deeply he couldn't even feel it anymore.
But here's the thing: anger isn't the problem. Unhealthy expression of anger is the problem.
Anger itself is information. It tells you when boundaries are being crossed, when something isn't right, when you need to protect yourself.
Without access to that information, he couldn't stand up for himself.
Not because he was weak, but because his system had learned that any self-protection through anger was dangerous.
Once he understood this, he stopped seeing his passivity as a character flaw.
He saw it as a protection mechanism that had served him as a child but was no longer needed.
And slowly, he learned he could feel anger without becoming his father. He could set boundaries without everything falling apart.
Most people who struggle to stand up for themselves don't lack courage.
They lack the sense of it being safe to allow themselves to act differently.
Have you ever struggled to feel anger even when the situation clearly called for it - and can you trace that back to what anger meant in your early life? 💭
