22/01/2024
I so did not want to go on this hike today. Everything in me wanted to hide away, my mind telling me I shouldn't bother, giving me every excuse it could think of. "Your body aches, your knee hurts, you should rest". I said "thank you for your care" and went anyway. An hour into the walk, I desperately wanted to turn around, go back home, get under the duvet and put on a movie - anything to stop the onslaught of memories, real and imagined, the playing out of conversations had and conversations I wished I'd had. And then I cried. And I kept on walking as I cried. And slowly, the mind began to settle. I began to notice the sounds and smells around me, the colours of the trees and the sky, the dappled sunlight. I had my lunch in the company of a robin, got lost and added another 2 miles to my already 5 mile walk. But I feel sooo much better for it now. The monkey mind can be overwhelming, and we distract ourselves with movies, alcohol, drugs, extreme sports, work, (social media!)...but it's still there. When all else goes quiet, it's there, and louder than ever. And it needs space to express. I haven't allowed mine much space the last few years. It's been too much, too scary, too unsafe. But this year, I'm giving it space.
