22/03/2025
We have made mental health a common enemy, something to be afraid and ashamed of, something we do not talk about for fear of rejection, judgement and harsh criticism. All the things we do to ourselves when we are living with depression, anxiety, stress, we don’t need someone else to do it, we are already masters at self punishment, so we remain in our own heads making up scenarios, catastrophising, self blaming and feeling completely and utterly lost.
“why didn’t he say something?”
I hear it all the time, we don’t say anything because society from the government down has made it uncomfortable and almost impossible to talk about our own actual suffering.
No one knew I was living with depression, I would laugh and joke, from the outside in, people thought I had my whole life together. At one point I was getting my teaching degree and four other courses while working full time with four children, doing sport in the evenings, they attended school and their sports, they showed no indication of a family struggling. The I moved on to running a business, doing my masters, delivering workshops, and it all got done to a high standard.
Inside was another story, I was suffering, I was in deep emotional pain, I couldn’t; think straight, I lost my memory, I experienced a loss of peripheral vision, I developed a stutter, I constantly judged myself against intolerably high standards, I criticised myself and judged my inability to change the very thing I was helping other people change my thoughts. It was hell, but I feel lucky to never have wanted to take my own life as an option.
I did however hit rock bottom where a dark and devastating thought had the ability to change my life for the worst but it changed my life for the better. In October of 2015, I new that I either had to walk away from my family or do something to change my situation, so without any medical or therapeutic intervention I set about making the changes I needed to make. I worked hard to make myself better. (as as sideline I helped my son go from 8-9 panic / anxiety attacks a day to nothing, 9yrs this year, that’s another story)
I did it on my own by choice, I didn’t look for another way, I suppose that's the high achiever in me. Now O am grateful for that battle and I see my role as making sure people don’t feel like they are on their own suffering.
It’s hard but not impossible, so please share with your friends who might need to hear that there is hope, that there is a way out no matter who tells you this is it forever, it is not true.
