Parenthood in Mind

23/08/2024

I talk a lot about the importance of stories and narratives in my work as a perinatal psychologist.

The reproductive story
The story of how you became a parent
The importance of subverting cultural narratives on parenthood and how we become mothersand fathers
How vital 'other/ed' stories of parenthood are
The positive impact on us when we can read stories that go off grid about

Donor conception
Surrogacy
Solo parenthood by choice
Reciprocal IVF
Adoption
Parenthood after infertility
Same s*x parenting
Depression and anxiety as we become parents

And there are many amazing people who I've tagged on here who share their stories to light the way ahead for others

BUT it is still important that if you are new to your story
If you are not yet secure in your story
Of loss
Of infertility
Of birth trauma
Of relationship breakdown
Of struggling with your mental health
Or whatever else you're struggling with
That you know that it's totally OK
Who you share your story with
And that it really is alright to only share it with those
Who will privilege
And cherish
And protect it
This choice is always yours.

Much love and support to anyone who today is struggling with their story.
Wondering if they'll ever find a way through
To their happy ending
I see you.

So what stories have you read or heard that've helped you in your transition to parenthood? What's helped you with your story of parenthood?

As always I'd love to hear from you 😍

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*xparents .

22/08/2024

**Content warning parenting after babyloss**

The penumbra baby*

A moment of distraction
Of reverie
A wave of distress washes over her features.
She startles to see her not him
In her arms.
A moment of confusion.

It's not that she loves this baby less but her being finally here reminds her of the baby she has lost.
The baby she still longs for.
Life, love and longing.
The pull of wanting to remember him
After all this time of wanting to forget
Seizes her anew and
The guilt of not being present enough
Gets buried even deeper.

Who to tell?
Who would understand?
Who would support such ingratitude?
The Gods have smiled on her again.
This rainbow child
Dappled
Golden
Bringing colour and light
Shadow and sadness.

When will she be free of this?
This bubbling conflict?
Perhaps there is some meaning
In this aching entrapment.
The price of
Love and Loss
Combined.

Julianne Boutaleb
April 2021
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Today is Rainbow Baby Day.

How does one love a child after loss?
How do we hold the child we have lost in our minds AND attend to the baby in our arms now?
What sort of parent do we become after pregnancy loss?
How is the journey into parenthood marked or impacted?
How were you affected?
As always I'd love to hear from you ❤

If you need support please take a look at the tagged supports.
And we at Parenthood In Mind can help too.

* The penumbra baby (Reid, 2007) is a term used instead of rainbow baby in parent-infant psychotherapy to capture the light and shade, joy and sadness that we inevitably experience when parenting our longed for babies after loss.

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21/08/2024

Will we see you there???

SAVE THE DATE!

We’re SO excited to share the date for our next in-person ‘Donor Conception: Connecting Through Conversations’ event - which will be held in London on Saturday 2nd November. This time we’re focusing on providing information, support and real-life connection for anyone who is on the path to parenthood through donor conception at the pre-parenting stage. If you’re either making the decision, going through treatment, or post-treatment (prior to having your little one in your arms), you’ll be welcomed in a safe and compassionate space with others who are at a similar stage, with similar thoughts, feelings and questions to you. (And if you’re parenting after donor conception don’t worry…we’ll be hosting a specific parenting event in early 2025!)

This event is going to be our best yet, we’ll be announcing our speaker line-up of those with lived experiences - recipient parents, donors and donor conceived people, as well as our professional speakers, including the fabulous Julianne Boutaleb, Perinatal Psychologist from . We have a beautiful venue in Central London, with tickets including all refreshments, lunch and also the opportunity for networking and connection time at the end of the day as part of a drinks reception with us at and other attendees.

Every event we’ve held so far has completely sold-out tickets and so, before we announce the details, we wanted to offer the chance for you to join the waitlist to be the first to hear and get access to our early-bird discounted tickets - of which there will only be a limited number available.

Click on the link in our bio to be added to the waitlist - with tickets going on sale at the end of next week!

We can’t wait to welcome you there! 💛

*Huge thanks to our sponsors for making this event possible.*

11/07/2024

"If you're a coach, it's a bit like being a parent. You've gone past the moment when it's about you - it's about what you pass onto others."

Gareth Southgate

I'm Irish. In my fifties. Have lived here for over 26 years. Old enough to remember real life political tensions between Ireland and England. And have never felt able to fully cheer on England. But with Southgate at the helm, it feels different.

Not just because of the team's diversity. Or the fact that this manager has supported his team to take the knee, and called out racist attacks against players like Saka. But I feel there is something even greater at play (excuse the pun!) What I love most about watching this England team is what they are unconsciously modelling for many of the young men who will be watching the game. Here is a group of men who support each other in their vulnerability, not just their successes.

Here is a coach who offers a steady fatherly hand
Who tenderly offers advice hard won from experience
Who says it's OK
I believe in you
It doesn't matter what others are saying
You can do this.

And for many of the men I see for therapy this tenderness matters
It is often lacking for so many men I see
When they are struggling with infertility
Or having to get their heads around pregnancy loss
Or feel ashamed of how depressed and anxious or traumatised they feel postnatally
Or don't know who to talk to about fears they'll never be a dad

So to see a man hold another man
So tenderly
To see him hold their vulnerability
To whisper it's OK
I believe in you
It's going to work out fine
Even if it's on the football pitch
That matters.

I've tagged lots of wonderful resources and accounts to support men with these issues.

26/06/2024

Thank you so much for sharing my words on parenting after infertility and loss.

Can you relate?
Have you felt pressured to 'love every minute' of being a parent because of all you had to go through?
Have you felt you had to push some of these feelings down?
How able have you felt to be honest about how hard you've found parenthood after infertility?

As always, I'd love to hear from you ❤️

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13/06/2024

Just like mothers, fathers too have to find their way with the new tasks of parenthood, but often without clear role models or expertly tailored support services just for them....and often as one father put it in a recent study by Wittkowski et al (2017) "not overly sure what you're supposed to be doing...."

We need to understand more about men's psychological vulnerability in the transition to parenthood. We know that men do undergo hormonal and brain changes just like women do - recent research suggests fathers to be who co-habit with their partner experience a drop in levels of testosterone and peak levels of oxytocin.

We also know that the very support structures set up to support couples in the transition to parenthood may not actually be experienced as helpful by men. Indeed in the study above, Wittkowski found that attending antenatal classes left many men feeling more emotionally separate from their partners and increased their feelings of  helplessness.
And how do new fathers express these feelings of "completely-at-a-lossness" as Dickon Bevington, a psychiatrist specialising in paternal mental health calls it? Increased irritability, emotional withdrawal, exhaustion, panic or acting out via over work, alcohol use or emotional affairs and unfortunately increased suicidality.

Is it completely coincidental that su***de is the leading cause of death in men aged 15-44 when they are most likely to be starting families?

Fathers also transition from pregnancy and birth traumatised (Etheridge & Slade, 2017) or depressed and struggle to bond with their baby.

Overlooked, dismissed, misunderstood.
Are we speaking out enough about the need to hold the father in families? who holds him? If we agree we should all be mothering the mother, who should be fathering the father? Or should we indeed be mothering him? Where is his tribe? What can we do differently for dads?

Really pleased to have contributed to this brilliant article on these issue by in today's online

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10/06/2024

Can we ever really prepare for the moral and ethical complexity of infertility and fertility treatment? And the sorts of decisions we may have to make as we start down this path to parenthood? Having worked with countless individuals and couples over the years, this is the aspect of ART that few are ever ready for.

And the sorts of decisions they face?

Can I put cultural and religious beliefs about ART to one side?
Am I willing to take risks with my health?
Should we raise more money to continue?
Do we let go of our frozen embryos?
Should I consider reducing this multiple pregnancy for my physical or mental health?
Can I really terminate this pregnancy when I might not get pregnant again?
Can I go through this again to give my child a sibling?
Can I allow myself stop?
Can I do this alone?
Should I try this add on treatment?
Should I consider donor conception or surrogacy?

And these decisions have to be made
under time pressure
Often with no one to consult with
When we are most fearful and exhausted
On different pages
With little time to truly understand the implications.

Decisions made in minutes whose impacts are felt across a lifetime...
The science taking us beyond what most other people know or have ever experienced when contemplating parenthood
You cross a threshold and sometimes what you have to decide comes up against who you thought you were.
And you're expected to make these decisions when your mind is clouded by grief and addled by trauma

How does one ever know the 'right' thing to do?
How does one imagine the consequences
The implications
The repercussions
And yet imagine them you must

How have you experienced these issues? How have they impacted you?
What has helped you?

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